Yesterday's Miracles

Here is the talk I gave in my church's sacrament meeting last week, before Thanksgiving.

{Learn more about my faith here}

A few years ago, I was in the midst of a few very difficult trials, all at once. (Isn't that how it always happens?) It was a soul-anguishing season, to say the least. One of these trials included my precious Daddy. He had discovered that he had a cancerous tumor in his small intestine. I remember desperately pleading with my Heavenly Father to please just spare my Daddy. I would be on my best behavior forever more, if only my Daddy could be okay. Immediately after finding the tumor, he was scheduled to have surgery where they would remove the tumor, and get a better idea of his prognosis. Needless to say, we felt agonized by this waiting game.
{To read more about this experience, click here}

The day of his surgery, our number one prayer was that the cancer hadn't spread to his lymph nodes-- because if it had, it would be very bad news. We found out, following the surgery, that unfortunately, the cancer had spread. I remember my Mommy, and Daddy and I holding each other on my dad's hospital bed, sobbing, after hearing this heart-breaking news. It couldn't be true! And then, soon after, we learned that it had just spread locally, and it was contained, and was completely removed-- the surgery was a total success! It was truly a miracle! The sequence of events that led to this amazing news, was inspired all along, and we were, undoubtedly the very blessed recipients of a miracle!

I vowed that day, that I would always remember the miracle we had received, and that I would always thank Heavenly Father for it. It turned out, that every one of the difficult trials we faced during this season, turned into absolute miracles, at the hand of God. We were witnesses of many modern-day miracles, and we were graciously blessed. As I pondered the events that surrounded this experience, a very simple truth was revealed to me, that I strive to remember.

{Taken right after his surgery in 2008}

I will never allow yesterday's miracle, 

to become today's normal. 

Once again,

I will never allow yesterday's miracle, to 

become today's normal. 

How appropriate that on this beautiful Sunday before Thanksgiving, we get to share some thoughts on gratitude. I am truly grateful for this opportunity today.

I don't know about you, but when I study the Gospel, I love to get to the roots of doctrine. When referring to the roots of what's important pertaining to gratitude, there is nothing more meaningful, deeply rooted or sacred than the gift of our Savior's atoning sacrifice. It is the foundation for all other blessings we receive. This gift, alone, is cause for rejoicing every day! And this gift, is what brings true joy, happiness, and peace in this life—for this infinite gift, I know each of us is deeply grateful.

Pres. Marion G. Romney said it best.

“We should be thankful and express appreciation for all favors received—and surely we receive many. The chief objects of our gratitude, however, should be, and are, God, our Heavenly Father, and his son Jesus Christ, our Lord and Redeemer. …

“To the Lord Jesus we owe an undying debt of gratitude, for he bought us with a great price. It is impossible for us, weak mortals as we are, to fully comprehend and appreciate the sufferings he endured on the cross that he might gain for us the victory over death.” 

To me, to be grateful and to remember are closely related. My all-time favorite word is the word remember. I love it. It has a sacred place in my heart. To me, it denotes Divinity. It reminds me of keeping all that is sacred, true, and holy in the front of my mind and heart. To “remember” means to live from this space of remembrance, and keep a bright recollection of God's handiwork in my world. To stay united with Christ in all that I do. To always remember, and be grateful for the miracles I receive.

I love what King Benjamin said in Mosiah 4:11,12. You can turn there with me, if you'd like.

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel."

I love this, listen carefully to what “always” happens when we do this...(four things)

“And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.” 

It's interesting to me, that being grateful is a commandment. In D&C 59:7 it says, “Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.” And yet, while we are commanded to give thanks, we reap such huge benefits for obeying.

Who in the Saratoga Springs 7th ward, wouldn't want to ALWAYS rejoice? Or ALWAYS be filled with God's love? That might come in handy?! With Kids? Or ALWAYS retain a remission of our sins? Or ALWAYS learn more about our Creator? Or ALWAYS receive more truth from Him? How much sweeter would each of our lives be if we more fully obeyed the commandment to give thanks? Here's a few questions for us to ponder: What healing could take place for you and me, personally, if we can be just a little more grateful? And claim these promises? How can we be blessed, and bless those around us by being more grateful? If something pops into our minds, I challenge all of us to make a note of it, and test this out for ourselves.

Being grateful is a commandment, and carries with it rich promises. So, what about ingratitude?
This poem says it well:

“How Different.”

Some murmur when the sky is clear

And wholly bright to view,

If one small speck of dark appear

In their great heaven of blue:

And some with thankful love are filled,

If but one streak of light,

One ray of God’s good mercy, gild

The darkness of their night.

Elder Eyring said:

“The Prophet Joseph said at one time that one of the greatest sins of which the Latter-day Saints would be guilty is the sin of ingratitude. THE SIN OF INGRATITUDE. I presume most of us have not thought of that as a great sin. There is a great tendency for us in our prayers and in our pleadings with the Lord to ask for additional blessings. But sometimes I feel we need to devote more of our prayers to expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving for blessings already received. We enjoy so much.”

Elder Eyring also said this:

“We so easily forget that we came into life with nothing. Whatever we get soon seems our natural right, not a gift. And we forget the giver. Then our gaze shifts from what we have been given to what we don’t have yet.”

I can't speak for you, but I know that I have absolutely been guilty of the great sin of ingratitude. A couple of years ago, as part of my New Year's theme, I knew it was time to cultivate a more grateful countenance. So, here's what I did. Every time I felt the need to complain about something, I would stop, and find SOMETHING, ANYTHING directly related to the forthcoming complaint and search instead for a blessing.

For example:
If I'm about to complain about the mountains of laundry that I get to keep washing, drying, folding, putting away, and picking up off the floor, instead I stop. How are these mountains a blessing? Well, they keep my angel babies warm, and clothed. And, the clothes, the many many clothes...a blessing? Or a curse? Immediately, the rage melts away, and instead, my heart is full. As I sit there watching James fold them all. Wink wink.

If I am about to complain about the toothpaste splatters on the mirror, instead I thank Heavenly Father for giving me such a kind, incredibly handsome and intelligent sweetheart. The toothpaste splatter means that my husband is alive, he woke up this morning, he is capable of providing for us, and that he values oral hygiene, which I am, indeed :) grateful for ;)

When my strong-willed little off spring is expressing his great dissatisfaction with being in time-out, and his refusal to comply with the “we must wear clothing to school” rule, when I'm about to look to the heavens and ask REEEAAALLY!?! Instead, I thank Heavenly Father for sending me such a valiant, strong soul! And I am grateful for the opportunity to fulfill the role I have always aspired for most, being a Mommy.

This little spin on gratitude has proven to add light to my heart, brought me closer to Christ, and is a stepping stone on my pathway to discipleship. I can testify of the truthfulness of the promises that come from choosing to be grateful.

Another effective way to cultivate a grateful countenance, is to write. President Spencer W. Kimball described the process of inspired writing: “Those who keep a book of remembrance are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives. Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.”

President Eyring adds to this: 

"As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me today?” If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes, you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life."

As poor, young newlyweds, James and I started writing “our little list of miracles.”
Here are a couple examples:

July 6th, 2003--We found the perfect shoes for James for 12.99 at Big 5. YAY! Our brand new box springs from the DI for 10 bucks! Christy broke her tooth, but it doesn't hurt at all! Aka We don't have to spend money to fix it until it hurts. No joke: 7 months later: Christy's tooth broke even more, still NO PAIN! :) June 2004 Found out we are pregnant!! So excited!

These are just a couple of examples, but we have pages and pages of these kinds of miracles throughout our first years together. I can also testify of the reality of writing our little miracles down. For me, it's my way of taking ownership of my own, personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and recognizing His hand in the details of my life.

Here's another question: What miracles have each of us received that have gone unnoticed? Are we missing opportunities to record these blessings that could bless us and our posterity? What miracles have I received that deserve to be written and preserved? I challenge each of us to write these things down, just a little more.

In closing,

Elder Hales said, “Gratitude expressed to our Heavenly Father in prayer for what we have brings a calming peace—a peace which allows us to not canker our souls for what we don’t have. Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. 

President Eyring said, “The remembrance King Benjamin urged upon us can be ours. Remembrance is the seed of gratitude which is the seed of generosity. Gratitude for the remission of sins is the seed of charity, the pure love of Christ.”

I know with all my heart that as each of us remembers Christ's atonement, records our miracles, and chooses gratitude, we will more clearly see the very Hand of God in our every day and experience more joy and peace in this life.

Gold

Picture this...

Lake Powell. Early morning. On the very top, open deck of the Jex's houseboat. Laid back, feet up. Enjoying the vast stillness. The sun is just beginning to rise, and brighten up the sky. The water is nearly still, just a gentle wave carefully rocks the boat in a slow, rhythmic, almost hypnotizing way. The trickling of these gentle waves is the only sound. The towering, red rock surrounding me casts an amber glow into the crisp, morning air. 

Aaaaaaah...It's just me, my journal, and this moment. 

Frequently, I will have what I call a "break-through" or an "a-ha moment," a "light bulb," an epiphany...

Usually, these are preceded by chaos, change, struggle, a wrestle before God in some way. 

However, sometimes I feel transcended, gifted a beautiful Divine download that doesn't 

require such a struggle. 

To me, it seems to be a "heavenly hug." An out-pouring from a loving Heavenly Daddy 

who wants nothing more than to express to His babies how much He adores them.

This day, I was given one of those. 

As I sat there, relishing the peaceful moment, I reflected on how grateful I am.

No, really.

HOW GRATEFUL I AM.

I have known some really difficult, humbling, hideous seasons of life.

Trials.

Just like every one I know has. 

And while these trials truly bring with them growth--spiritual strength that can't be gained otherwise,

at this moment, I was feeling deep, sincere, I-wanna-scream-and-shout

gratitude for ALL my blessings!

And feeling accomplished, kind of feeling like, 

"YAY!!! That one is done!" I AM SO BLESSED!!! 

Also, recognizing the opening of a new chapter, and the closing of this difficult chapter. 

It's like I had reached the top of a towering mountain, and was looking back! And looking down. Seeing the journey as a whole--the rough stretches, blood, sweat, tears, and smooth stretches. Taking it all in, and feeling deeply, sincerely grateful to have been carried through it, and now to see it come to an end. 

Aaaaaah.

And, for this moment, I was able to reflect on this particular season of great heart-ache, and uncertainty that shook me to the core. It seemed to be much more than I could endure--and then,

 I realized the very hand of God in all of it. 

I realized how very literally my Savior carried me, blessed me, transformed me, and transformed my husband. How He allowed there to be a trial of my faith, knowing fully my potential, and knowing fully the blessings that would come as a DIRECT result of this trial. 

That kind of love. Just wow.

And that was the precursor to the light bulb that came next.

I was gifted with a beautiful conclusion to all of this.

A heavenly hug.

A Divine download. 

About gratitude.

Often times, as a mortal, I find myself reaching. 

Wanting... more. Always more. 

"As soon as I get___________THEN things will be awesome and I will be happy."

"Just imagine, once THIS happens, THEN my life will be perfect."

"Won't it be amazing when THIS finally happens?! Can you even imagine how life will be then?!"

I call it the "As soon as" syndrome. 

As soon as (whatever it is I'm wanting) THEN all will be perfect! And THEN I can be happy and feel fulfilled, relaxed, done, peaceful.

The focus is always in the future, somewhere else, a mystical place called, "someday."

It's a place that's out of my reach, and always will be.

That "perfect, peaceful" time when THIS happens, is a lie.

IT'S A LIE.

An illusion.

As a mortal, it's never going to come.

NEVER!!!

It's the day-dreaming of a recovering perfectionist girl who fantasizes about that "one day" when all is well in her world. When THIS THAT and THIS have happened, all is perfectly cleaned, organized, everyone is happy, cooperative and I'm on top of it all!!!!

It's impossible! Right?!

Or is it?

Here's the light bulb:

Gratitude is like digging into the land right under my feet, right where I stand. Right where 

I AM, 

now.

And when I do, I find a beautiful gold mine.

A cavern full of gems, diamonds, treasures beyond anything I could ever reach or long for. 

When I start wanting, feeling weak, in my smallness, comparing, being ungrateful, covetous, underwhelmed with life, 

(or ANY negative emotion)

it serves me to:

Stop moving my feet (and mind)

BE still

...Remember...

dig deep

look up and look around. 

Great treasures lie right where I am right now, they're all around!

But if I'm so busy looking into my tomorrows, day-dreaming about "as soon as" I will miss the cavern filled with treasures RIGHT under my feet.

It serves me to remember the real treasures. To remember where joy and abundance really live. 

{In. the. moment.

IN gratitude.} 

THAT'S where abundance lives. That's where I feel fulfilled, relaxed, done, peaceful.  

It's real magic. 

When I do this, my whole reality is shifted.

I couldn't ask for one more thing. 

There is no tomorrow, because today--this moment, is all I'm promised, and all I want.

When I stop searching for abundance, I find that it lives right where I am. It's not going to come "as soon as...." it lives in me. And I CAN feel THAT peace, when I choose to dig into my abundance cave right where I am.

And, indeed, all IS well.

A Witch Lives Here With Her Little Monsters

Saw that sign at Barnes and Noble and it just fit.

The truth is, as most everyone knows by now, I am pregnant!!!

We couldn't be more thrilled! What a blessing! It's such wonderful news to our little family.

James is elated, Jax can't even stand thinking about it without giggling and saying, "oooh, coot baby!" And Cbear just grins and points to Mommy's belly, "Bee-bee!"

And Christy, well I have wanted more babies for a long time! So, I cannot even handle the excitement. 

We feel very literally blessed--divine abundance.

I've wanted to blog for a while, but with me, I am a "promoter" and a very verbal girl. If I am experiencing something wonderful, you're going to hear about it! If I'm having a BURST, you're going to hear about it, and if I'm having a really cruddy day, you're going to hear about it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't quite so verbal with ALL things, but it's just me. 

Darn it.

So, the idea of blogging about something other than our latest news, or talking about something other than how BLASTED sick I've been, just wasn't going to happen. So until the news went public, my fingers stayed quiet. 

And the truth is, while I am BEYOND ELATED for this little tweetie bird to be safely nested in my baby box, I have been one sick girl. OH my goodness. I don't throw up, but it feels like I'm riding the "Gravitron" 

{You know that one carnival ride that looks like a spaceship, and it spins around and around and around and around??} all day.

Yikes. I literally feel like that ALL day and night. Wow. Pardon me, while I complain for a moment. I warned you, I am incapable of "glossing over" things or faking most things. So, dead seriously, I have felt like a witch! I have hormones flooding my body {that's where the witch part comes in}--not felt like myself at all lately, I feel like I just finished running a marathon when I first wake up in the morning, and also, I'm riding the Gravitron all--day--long! Being prego with my boys, I felt this same kind of sick, but I figured out a way around the constant sickies. Not with this one. Zofran? sick. I eat? I'm sick. I don't eat? I'm sick. Morning? Sick. Afternoon? Sick. Night? Sickest. Okay, you get the idea. Complaining complete.

GRATEFUL GIRL

So, have I mentioned how excited I am to have a tweetie bird nestled safely in my body?! I AM! And I very humbly realize it could be MUCH much worse. So grateful, I AM. 

The whole point of today's post is the recognition of just how quickly one can go from being a girl who's pretty much high on life most days, 

to being a peuky, exhausted witch in less than three months. 

This is me now.

This is real.

Witches, in fact, do exist.

That's it.

I'm being a witch for Halloween.

In fact, why wait for Halloween? I'll start the whole witch thing like a month ago!
I think I might have the cackle down, been practicing my spell casting lately, and pretty sure my pregnant concoctions count as brew. 

And, at this season of my life, while I am SO in love with my sweet babies {always}

looking through the peuky, exhausted, witchy goggles I've been sporting, my sweet babies can sometimes appear as.....well......

 little monsters!

Cute little monsters!

Bless their hearts.

Couldn't have asked for better timing, right?

The countdown is on, in just 4 weeks, 

I'll be back!!!

xo

SO grateful

New Hairs For Us

We dipped Cbear's hair in Kool-Aid.

Jax looks like his Mama at this age, with his new blonde cut

We went with a "Bieber" look for me. 

James wanted a "flowier" look

Cbear in 85 years

What do ya think? Sexy and we know it.

Good laughs are therapy on a "valley day" like today.

Grateful girl.

xo

The Switchboard

Here is an excerpt from my journal entry on July 29th, 2012.

"It's now 5:30am. I woke up at 3:30 am with my neck and back killing me! And my contacts in, teeth not brushed-never good. I have had the hardest time getting back to sleep. My mind is just RACING. I feel so overwhelmed. So out of control. I feel like there are SO many good things that I want to do- and some "must dos" that I am missing out on. I'm really struggling with that. It's been a very busy season. I feel guilty for not making the summer a little more relaxed for Jax, but maybe that's just me being ridiculous again. I really just feel like I am always in a hurry! It's driving me crazy! I just need to get over filling my days with SO much. I just love so many things and people, and want so much for my family and my life. I really get to sit down, list my priorities, and actually practice scheduling peace into my life. Something has to go, not sure what, but there is just too much (mostly good) in my days, and on my mind. 

What is my #1 purpose?

What is absolutely, bottom line MOST important?

It's time for a start over, re-do.

I also get to look back over this beautiful summer and notice where I spent a lot of my time. Feel gratitude and validation for the truth. Just get that reassurance that, for the most part, I AM already choosing the BEST things, I just get to calm the inner chatterbox. 

Why are some of the most important things going undone?

How can I make some decisions, then be thrilled with my NOW?

I get to notice the growth that has come, there have been 

miracles--already.

But have I allowed yesterday's miracle to be today's normal?

Oh, please no.

I get to be in gratitude for the miracles I receive, and REMEMBER them.

{Interjection: I am such a list girl. I mean, really?!? Even at 3:30 in the morning, feeling totally stressed, it's time for lists? Crazy girl.}

What I want more of in my life:

*peaceful, study and writing time

*connection with Jax, Cbear, Jamous

*peaceful, in-the-moment playing, reading to my babies

*writing, reflecting, blogging-it truly is therapeutic

*temple time

*scripture, doctrine study

*cooking-relaxed cooking {if that's even possible}

*read and finish A book at a time. Don't start ten and finish none. Parenting/marriage/biographies

*communion with God in prayer

*Walks, runs

*mountains

*teaching my babies fun stuff

*pictures PRINTED out, put in frames around our home

*create peace with finding a babysitter, to facilitate dates happening more

*organizing pictures time

*piano

*work on a monthly value for family

What I want LESS of in my life:

*pressure

*HURRYING

*feeling inadequate

*questioning myself

*beating myself up

*comparing my faults to the "illusion of perfection" in others

*wasted time

*stress about cleaning

*desire to do it all: Gain a better understanding of doing one thing at a time

*worrying about future: enjoy the joys of now while they're here

What I'm doing right:

{This seems a little awkward, but here goes. Straight out of my journal. I'm stretching, right?}

*Teaching my babies to love

*keeping up on their books of cuteness

*striving to cultivate a love for their Savior

*having FHE

*reading Book of Mormon stories to them

*taking lots of pictures

*teaching them to love each other

*working on Jaxon's articles of faith with him

*completely organized the basement, phew

*love doing hair part-time, creating some extra money for our fam

{This feels really really weird. Awkward! But I felt totally inspired to list this. To see some reality amidst the "illusions" in my mind.}

*I know my heart is in the right place

*having so freaking much fun with my babies, laughing our brains out

*Commitment to 100% full tithing!

*started my blog-finally!

*striving to praise Jamous, let little things go, striving to be unconditional for him

*striving to focus on the joy in my life, being satisfied with my now

*striving to be positive with Jax most of the time

*striving to be a supportive sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, etc."

These lists are in no way "complete" or in any particular order. At 3:30 in the morning, my mind exploded onto the pages of my journal, and this is what came out. 

I can see how the aching neck, and back and inability to sleep were Divinely perfect. In the middle of the night was the only "peaceful" time where my heart was open and still. This was a wrestle before God for me, no doubt. 

Because after this "mental vomiting, cleanse" I had a very direct, and precise download of clarity.

One of the most undeniable answers to prayer I have ever received.

Here's the answer:

{Quoting from my journal again}

"I get to decide what I am okay with being

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

at.

{spectrum of "how I'm doing" in every aspect of life.}

In every role of life, and every desire I have, decide where I stand.

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

Realize I CANNOT, in this life, be excellent at everything all the time.

Especially for an ADD, perfectionist girl. With a million wonderful thoughts, {visualized being done so flawlessly} flooding my brain incessantly. 

It's almost like creating a report card for myself, with all the different roles, desires I have.

And DECIDE where I can be okay, good, neutral and it's actually healthy to be that way in-

and where my priorities and my PURPOSE require me to be better, best and excellent!

And here's the key

AND BE AT PEACE WITH IT.

Some days, and weeks call for more from a certain area. 

Like a dial, or adjusters on a sound equalizer-switchboard.

That looks kinda like this-

or this

Moment to moment, my priorities/the correct balance will change. So, my roles will fluctuate-somewhat.

There are always constants, but some roles will move on and off the switchboard and the 

level of intensity of some will fluctuate, for each role and desire.

THAT is just the way this mortal life was designed. I can't possibly achieve perfect balance, in this life, that doesn't change. It will change constantly. 

And when one area, role isn't at full blast, 

IT'S OKAY!

I get to take a look at what IS at full blast, at the moment, and realize it's perfect.

Divinely perfect.

As long as I am staying in tune with the Spirit, and He is guiding where I set each switch for the moment, I can be at peace with how I am spending my moments. 

Ah!

Relief!

Bottom Line:

Once I've prayed, planned, and prepared, I can live completely in the moment, and know for certain, that I AM on God's errand, and He is happy with me. Which, in turn, means I feel 

peace

and 

enJOY each and every moment.

Recognizing that seasons change, and God sees the whole picture. 

Have faith, and BE still in this.

Love,

Deet Dee"

That was the end of my brilliant light bulb moment that came in the middle of the night. 

Taken right from my journal.

This "download" has completely changed my life. 

Since this revelation, I have had MUCH more of the 

"I want more of this in my life" list in my days,

and MUCH less 

guilt. 

Honestly, I feel I have been blessed to have that "5-letter-word" diminished to almost nothing, in my heart.

Where God is, guilt isn't. 

{The "mommy" guilt, I'm referring to.}

And as I am seeking to bring God into my heart, my life, my switchboard-the guilt is gone!

And leaves 

peace 

in its place.

xo

Chapter 2-Brad Wilcox: Juggling Before God

What's really interesting to me, is that at Education Week, just a couple weeks later, I had a Divine reinforcement of this exact concept. 

And, seriously?!

I have been reading books, listening to talks, writing in my journal, 

searching

for an answer to this "age-old" question, of how to create balance 

{and ultimately have peace amidst a chaotic, good stuff-filled life}

for YEARS!!!

I've tried SO many things to achieve this balance, but always felt the anxiety that I still wasn't measuring up.

Because "achieving balance" is not something that is set up, organized, created, 

or 

checked off.

So, I searched, and searched and desperately sought out the answer.

You just read about the very intimate, Heavenly Father to Christy Cook Jex answer that I received. 

The answer.

The one that works, over and over again. The answer from the one and only true source of truth.

That doesn't change, from beginning to end, it's the same.

Oh, how grateful I am for the answer I received!!! 

I feel 100 pounds lighter!

AND THEN

 at Education Week, listening to one of the most sockety men I have ever known,

Brad Wilcox,

I had a Divine reinforcement of this concept.

Oh, my heart! So grateful.

Spoken so eloquently, and from so much experience and Christ-centered service that seemed impossible to balance, 

Brad Wilcox beautifully portrayed his "download" on this same idea. Receiving this revelation, having the same concept completely gifted to me, by someone who I adore- in a way that melted my heart!?! God is good. How grateful I am for His very personal love and concern for this little crazy girl. Watch for similarities in his "download" and mine. It's clear that the source of the epiphanies was the same. 

He calls it "Learning to Juggle Our Many Responsibilities."

He told a story about a man who juggled for God. The book is called "The Clown of God."

It's a beautiful story. So perfectly portrays the essence of this concept.

Here are some of the ideas he shared that reinforced, so perfectly, my "switchboard" epiphany.

"There is a scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that talks about how we will not be tempted beyond what we can handle. But, sometimes, it is taken out of context. So the meaning sounds like, "we will not be given more than we can handle."

He quoted a man named Chris Belcher {who went blind from cancer} who said, "We ARE given more than we can handle-the Savior makes up the difference."

He also went on to say,

"Simplify! We already have. What do we cut out, vacations? Church? Exercise? Eating healthy? Okay. 

Prioritize! 1. Family 2. Church 3. Work-sounds really nice, but the realities are different. Is it even possible to balance?

Elder Holland said once, {paraphrased} 

"What must come first and foremost, is our personal relationship with God."

Then Bro. Wilcox said, 

"When I do this, the Holy Ghost always tells me what comes second, and third. And it changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. I'm avoiding the crisis by allowing God to manage my moments. It's the only way I can live this multi-faceted life, being pulled on every side- IN PEACE.

How does Christ know who to pass over, and who needs a miracle? The Spirit will give you a little tug here, or there, who needs a little more. These tugs make the "good tasks" I'm doing "better." 

Also, I can live with integrity, and peace amidst the multi-tasking, knowing that I am in alignment."

One thing he said that I LOVED, 

"Juggling doesn't allow me to be everything to everyone everywhere, but it allows me to be something, somewhere, to someone."

Bro Wilcox talked about a time when he felt overwhelmed with his many responsibilities. He asked his wife, "When is it just going to even out?"

She {a nurse} said, "When you're hooked up to a heart monitor, you don't want a straight line. The ups and downs mean you're alive! And that you're participating, not just existing."

Another thing he said, that I could paste on my mirror,

Remember, "I am juggling for God!

The ball size, number of balls are different for everyone. But our purpose must be the same. Christ died so I can live, learn, juggle. As we do, we learn to be more like the master juggler of the whole universe. Our efforts to juggle are worth it." 

These two experiences have changed me forever. I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to receive personal revelation from God. The trick is REMEMBERing to seek it. 

But I am so grateful that He is always here, ready and willing to teach me, comfort me, and fill me with His peace.

Why?

While in church yesterday, I heard something that hit me.

I know for a fact, I've heard it before, but I was prepared to hear it differently.

We were discussing why we live the gospel.

And this was a LIGHTBULB for me.

In parenting, in marriage, doing hair, daily habits, eating and exercise habits, saving money, spending money, running errands, feeling fulfillment in everyday craziness, knowing what to simplify-out of my life, capturing moments with my camera (and my phone more often), choosing to get up early and get the critters ready for 9am church, making choices to NOT do something, choosing not to hold a grudge, and move on, setting up my vteaching for the month, choosing to forgive, knowing when to move on, choosing to play with my babies instead of the "to-do" list, choosing not to get drunk when I've had "one of those days" as a Mommy, and I'm spent...

This concept applies to all of the above and so many more.

Pres. Uchtdorf, one of my most favorite apostles and mentors, said this in his talk, "The Why of the Priesthood."

Simply stated,

"The why inspires the soul."

In every aspect of life, if chaos, confusion, frustration, or indecisiveness comes, asking "why?" inspires the soul.

It brings purpose, clarity, peace, simpicity, resolve, strength, 

and joy in what I DO choose to do.

He also said, 

"The what informs, the why transforms."

I love this. 

The "why?" transforms me from an informed "what-to-do-list," psycho, over-scheduled, lunatic 

to a peaceful, eternal-perspective-REMEMBERing Christy of Christ.

{Did you know Remember is my favorite word?}

And that's the truth. Could it really be so simple? If I can only 

REMEMBER

then it is pretty simple.

Here's a link to the actual talk

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-why-of-priesthood-service?lang=eng&query=priesthood

I'm sure I can figure out a cool way to make the link inside the word "here," but for now, it's not perfect, but here it is. 

(Remember-this is my journey from perfection 

{not doing things unless they're perfect} 

to peace 

{realizing that doing something-imperfectly is much better than doing nothing-perfectly.)

I'm stretching!

While this talk is specifically addressed to priesthood holders, and priesthood responsibilities, I love how Sis. Joan Hall adapted it to women.

"The why of living the gospel."

I love it.

xo

A Journey of a Thousand Miles, Begins With a Single Step: A Single Step

This beautiful quote, "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step," is by Lao-tzu. Had to give the credit where it's deserved. 

Well, today was the first day of school. YEAH! And boo, at the same time. 

As much as I am convinced that I am SO ready for school to start, and ready for a change of pace, 

I still get a sting in my eyes and a lump in my throat once I watch that little brown eyed boy bound into the school for the first time.

Time goes SO fast. 

I remember, as a kid, thinking a month was SUCH a long time. And a year, was never-ending.

Well, those days are long over. 

My baby boy just turned 2!

And my other baby just started 2nd grade!

How did this happen?

I'm still in 2nd grade? How is it possible for a 2nd grader to have a 2nd grader?

It's a mystery.

It's an emphatic reminder that I MUST slow down, play more, snuggle more, talk more, LISTEN (about some one's future plans, that involve building a factory where droids do all his work, HE is in charge!

and he creates real light sabers, compasses, Santa's sleighs and much, much MORE-in one long, run-on sentence with no breath in between)

more.

I love my babies, 

like more than I can even express. 

I FREAKING LOVE MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They drive me absolutely inSANE at times. But then, the next moment, they melt my heart 

with something hilarious or sweet, and I'm smitten. All over again. 

OOOOOH how I love my babies.

I want more, lots more. 

Okay, so the last couple months, I officially began a journey from perfection to peace.

On a drive home from Zion's National Park, where we hiked Angel's Landing,

and the Narrows, I had an "aha!" moment.

We had such a blissful time on this trip. I mean heavenly.

For me, I LOVE to hike, run, walk, strengthen this healthy body I've been blessed with.

And, even more, I ADORE nature, God's creations, this beautiful earth.

Because it always involves feeling an abundance of God's love-and feeling the Spirit, the whole time.

I LOVE it. 

I also LOVE my babies 

(meaning: my actual babies, but also the people I love most in this world. My sweet Jamous, #1, my parents, family, siblings, and I have a few babies that are my framily-friends I choose for family.)

However, when all three are combined-

Well, that is my definition of HEAVEN.

Literal heaven.

So, we experienced this at Zion's, and it calmed my soul,

I could breath deeper, I felt at peace from the core of my being.

It was almost as if my "vibration" was deeper, slower, more at peace, and sensitive to 

eternal perspective.

So, then, as we were just driving into Utah County, where we live, I felt this very sudden surge of anxiety come over me.

I started panicking. My body felt tense, tight, achy.

My heart started pounding, my breathing began to race,

FEAR overcame my being.

What?

How is this possible?

After such an exquisite experience, how is this feeling so suddenly overtaking my soul?

It was a moment where I fell right into a "sweet spot." 

Remember me explaining this?

Well, I felt a shift. I wanted to get to the bottom of why this was coming on.

I love my life! I am so blessed!

So, why when I was re-entering my life, was there such a flood of anxiety threatening my very peace of mind?

The quality of my life. 

"I don't want to live this way, Hunny."

I said to my sweet Jamous.

I felt an intense desire, like never before, to get feedback, from my Jamous, the one who knows me best, watches my antics, why I was feeling this?

How am I creating this?

I asked him to give me some honest, un-filtered ideas as to why this was coming on.

He was hesitant, at first. It turns out I have had my days of 

"thinking I have it all figured out." 

Not very open to my sweetie's suggestions. Not willing to see things from a different paradigm.

So, after a second, and third re-assurance that I truly wanted his feedback, he finally gave me some.

"Hunny, you're too damn hard on yourself. You just expect WAY too much of yourself. You want to be 

perfect at everything. You want to be the perfect Mom, wife, sister, daughter, grand daughter, friend, ward sister, compassionate service leader, hairstylist, housekeeper, you expect to be perfect at your eating and exercise. You want to please everyone, and do everything all the time. You are running WAY faster than is wise, and you have strength. You beat yourself up all the time. It's bad."

He went on and on.

And while I've always known I was a perfectionist. I didn't, until that moment, realize the UGLY side of  it.

I kinda thought it just meant that I like to do things 100%-perfect. "How can that be bad?" I thought.

I just wanted to reach my full potential. And I realize I have been given MUCH, and have lots of passions,

and roles that I want to pursue. Like, eat up for dinner, dig into. 

But, at that moment, I was "downloaded" with the reality of the way I was choosing to engage, think,

expect of myself, BEAT UP ON MYSELF, etc.

And I was also "downloaded" with how hurtful this is to me. To Christy, my spirit. That I was missing so much of the peace and joy my life 

has to offer, because of my obsessive thoughts, my out of control desire to 

PLEASE FREAKING EVERYONE!!!

Oh my gosh! How sick I am of thinking I have to be perfect!! 

And put my peace, and joy on the sacrificial alter

 in the name of "pleasing people." 

Who, as it turns out, aren't the ones I can blame. It's MY expectations, my ridiculous ideas of achieving perfection in this life. Actually fantasizing about how amazing it would be to wake up one morning,

on top of it ALL! 

What the hell?!?!?

As if that's even possible??

Oooooh, how disgusted I am with the thought that I have been deceived.

It's one of my biggest and ugliest weaknesses.
Satan has had some success with me on this one. Or used to, at least.

He probably can't get me to commit some huge, heinous sin, on a daily basis.

 But he can absolutely get me to run this number, beat myself up, believe the lies, be prisoner to my 

obsessive, perfection thoughts. 

Because this one looks beautiful. It seems 

SEEMS beautiful. 

Lots of goals, wanting to be good, serve others, improve.

And when I buy into this bull shiz, here's what it looks like to my family, my babies, and all those around me.

I am RUSHING, hurrying, all the time. My house is either perfect or a wreck, my heart is heavy. I'm not really ever anywhere. Because I'm always multi-tasking to attempt to attain the un-attainable, "being on top of it ALL!" I'm uptight, easily irritated. Less patient, less joyful. More worry, anxious, doubtful, fearful.

I pick at my Jamous. I am so much more aware of all of his weaknesses, because my job is to perfect him too, right? I read anything BUT the word of God. I'm searching for a secular answer to alleviate this feeling. 

I'm stuck in the all or nothing/black or white mentality. So, I'm either SUPER fit, or SUPER itchy (eating emotionally, not working out unless it's perfect, not eating healthy unless it's perfect.)

Staying up way too late, cleaning, stressing, worrying, playing back the day, giving myself a beating for everything I "think" wasn't perfect.

Just for a moment, looking over this horrible space, I create for myself, 

isn't this precisely where Satan wants me?

I don't reach out when I'm in this space, I don't feel worthy to pray, 

so I don't. 

I don't share the love I have with those around me, I'm too consumed with my imperfect state. 

This one has been  a life-long struggle for me.

It's been a roller-coaster, and definitely hasn't defined my life. 

There are times and seasons where I feel it almost overtake me, 

then other seasons where I feel it conquered. 

But, at that moment, in the car, I was acutely aware of the contrast.

I experienced such joy, happiness, contentment, peace of mind, my heart was soaring.

And then, 

BAM!

I felt "the cave" come on so strong.

It was a tender mercy. A sweet spot.

I was gifted with this experience, so I could SEE and FEEL and KNOW

the stark contrast of these two "spaces" and CHOOSE which one I wanted to adopt permanently-

As my way of BEing, my way of life.

To pass on to my beautiful children. 

I have a CHOICE.

So, thus began 

 My Journey From Perfection to Peace.

And from that moment, June 10th, 2012, I was on a mission.

To study, learn, come to KNOW the beast I was facing, (perfectionism)

so I could BEAT IT!

Which, now I know, is a blessing. Struggling with this beast is hard. It requires an awareness of my thoughts, 

my expectations, humility, total and complete TRUST in my Savior, and a commitment to change. 

And this is hard, for a girl like me, to do. 

But, I can literally see how I was given this, and other "beasts" as a catalyst to get me 

closer to Christ and my Heavenly Father. 

Who I love beyond anything I could ever express with words.
This beasts compels me to 

rely

on His Divine, enabling power, His atonement, His mercy, His love. 

Because, I've tried wrestling this beast without their power, 

and it doesn't work.

Sweet Spot.

As I infiltrate this struggle with the 

power, mercy, and love

of the atonement, I can do it! We can do it!

I would be a liar if I didn't testify, that I have literally felt the REALITY of the 

enabling power

 of the atonement.

I have attained "that feeling" of "being on top of it all."

Because I know that where I fall short, my beautiful Savior takes what I've done, and 

super charges all my efforts. And then, He, so lovingly, turns to me, and fills me with His peace.

Oh, how I love His peace. It's my addiction. {tears}

I KNOW this is true. 

And my heart is changed. Converted. From a struggling, imperfect girl-

to a Divine, spirit daughter of God 

on a mortal journey to learn.

All is Well.

xo