The Switchboard

Here is an excerpt from my journal entry on July 29th, 2012.

"It's now 5:30am. I woke up at 3:30 am with my neck and back killing me! And my contacts in, teeth not brushed-never good. I have had the hardest time getting back to sleep. My mind is just RACING. I feel so overwhelmed. So out of control. I feel like there are SO many good things that I want to do- and some "must dos" that I am missing out on. I'm really struggling with that. It's been a very busy season. I feel guilty for not making the summer a little more relaxed for Jax, but maybe that's just me being ridiculous again. I really just feel like I am always in a hurry! It's driving me crazy! I just need to get over filling my days with SO much. I just love so many things and people, and want so much for my family and my life. I really get to sit down, list my priorities, and actually practice scheduling peace into my life. Something has to go, not sure what, but there is just too much (mostly good) in my days, and on my mind. 

What is my #1 purpose?

What is absolutely, bottom line MOST important?

It's time for a start over, re-do.

I also get to look back over this beautiful summer and notice where I spent a lot of my time. Feel gratitude and validation for the truth. Just get that reassurance that, for the most part, I AM already choosing the BEST things, I just get to calm the inner chatterbox. 

Why are some of the most important things going undone?

How can I make some decisions, then be thrilled with my NOW?

I get to notice the growth that has come, there have been 

miracles--already.

But have I allowed yesterday's miracle to be today's normal?

Oh, please no.

I get to be in gratitude for the miracles I receive, and REMEMBER them.

{Interjection: I am such a list girl. I mean, really?!? Even at 3:30 in the morning, feeling totally stressed, it's time for lists? Crazy girl.}

What I want more of in my life:

*peaceful, study and writing time

*connection with Jax, Cbear, Jamous

*peaceful, in-the-moment playing, reading to my babies

*writing, reflecting, blogging-it truly is therapeutic

*temple time

*scripture, doctrine study

*cooking-relaxed cooking {if that's even possible}

*read and finish A book at a time. Don't start ten and finish none. Parenting/marriage/biographies

*communion with God in prayer

*Walks, runs

*mountains

*teaching my babies fun stuff

*pictures PRINTED out, put in frames around our home

*create peace with finding a babysitter, to facilitate dates happening more

*organizing pictures time

*piano

*work on a monthly value for family

What I want LESS of in my life:

*pressure

*HURRYING

*feeling inadequate

*questioning myself

*beating myself up

*comparing my faults to the "illusion of perfection" in others

*wasted time

*stress about cleaning

*desire to do it all: Gain a better understanding of doing one thing at a time

*worrying about future: enjoy the joys of now while they're here

What I'm doing right:

{This seems a little awkward, but here goes. Straight out of my journal. I'm stretching, right?}

*Teaching my babies to love

*keeping up on their books of cuteness

*striving to cultivate a love for their Savior

*having FHE

*reading Book of Mormon stories to them

*taking lots of pictures

*teaching them to love each other

*working on Jaxon's articles of faith with him

*completely organized the basement, phew

*love doing hair part-time, creating some extra money for our fam

{This feels really really weird. Awkward! But I felt totally inspired to list this. To see some reality amidst the "illusions" in my mind.}

*I know my heart is in the right place

*having so freaking much fun with my babies, laughing our brains out

*Commitment to 100% full tithing!

*started my blog-finally!

*striving to praise Jamous, let little things go, striving to be unconditional for him

*striving to focus on the joy in my life, being satisfied with my now

*striving to be positive with Jax most of the time

*striving to be a supportive sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, etc."

These lists are in no way "complete" or in any particular order. At 3:30 in the morning, my mind exploded onto the pages of my journal, and this is what came out. 

I can see how the aching neck, and back and inability to sleep were Divinely perfect. In the middle of the night was the only "peaceful" time where my heart was open and still. This was a wrestle before God for me, no doubt. 

Because after this "mental vomiting, cleanse" I had a very direct, and precise download of clarity.

One of the most undeniable answers to prayer I have ever received.

Here's the answer:

{Quoting from my journal again}

"I get to decide what I am okay with being

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

at.

{spectrum of "how I'm doing" in every aspect of life.}

In every role of life, and every desire I have, decide where I stand.

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

Realize I CANNOT, in this life, be excellent at everything all the time.

Especially for an ADD, perfectionist girl. With a million wonderful thoughts, {visualized being done so flawlessly} flooding my brain incessantly. 

It's almost like creating a report card for myself, with all the different roles, desires I have.

And DECIDE where I can be okay, good, neutral and it's actually healthy to be that way in-

and where my priorities and my PURPOSE require me to be better, best and excellent!

And here's the key

AND BE AT PEACE WITH IT.

Some days, and weeks call for more from a certain area. 

Like a dial, or adjusters on a sound equalizer-switchboard.

That looks kinda like this-

or this

Moment to moment, my priorities/the correct balance will change. So, my roles will fluctuate-somewhat.

There are always constants, but some roles will move on and off the switchboard and the 

level of intensity of some will fluctuate, for each role and desire.

THAT is just the way this mortal life was designed. I can't possibly achieve perfect balance, in this life, that doesn't change. It will change constantly. 

And when one area, role isn't at full blast, 

IT'S OKAY!

I get to take a look at what IS at full blast, at the moment, and realize it's perfect.

Divinely perfect.

As long as I am staying in tune with the Spirit, and He is guiding where I set each switch for the moment, I can be at peace with how I am spending my moments. 

Ah!

Relief!

Bottom Line:

Once I've prayed, planned, and prepared, I can live completely in the moment, and know for certain, that I AM on God's errand, and He is happy with me. Which, in turn, means I feel 

peace

and 

enJOY each and every moment.

Recognizing that seasons change, and God sees the whole picture. 

Have faith, and BE still in this.

Love,

Deet Dee"

That was the end of my brilliant light bulb moment that came in the middle of the night. 

Taken right from my journal.

This "download" has completely changed my life. 

Since this revelation, I have had MUCH more of the 

"I want more of this in my life" list in my days,

and MUCH less 

guilt. 

Honestly, I feel I have been blessed to have that "5-letter-word" diminished to almost nothing, in my heart.

Where God is, guilt isn't. 

{The "mommy" guilt, I'm referring to.}

And as I am seeking to bring God into my heart, my life, my switchboard-the guilt is gone!

And leaves 

peace 

in its place.

xo

Chapter 2-Brad Wilcox: Juggling Before God

What's really interesting to me, is that at Education Week, just a couple weeks later, I had a Divine reinforcement of this exact concept. 

And, seriously?!

I have been reading books, listening to talks, writing in my journal, 

searching

for an answer to this "age-old" question, of how to create balance 

{and ultimately have peace amidst a chaotic, good stuff-filled life}

for YEARS!!!

I've tried SO many things to achieve this balance, but always felt the anxiety that I still wasn't measuring up.

Because "achieving balance" is not something that is set up, organized, created, 

or 

checked off.

So, I searched, and searched and desperately sought out the answer.

You just read about the very intimate, Heavenly Father to Christy Cook Jex answer that I received. 

The answer.

The one that works, over and over again. The answer from the one and only true source of truth.

That doesn't change, from beginning to end, it's the same.

Oh, how grateful I am for the answer I received!!! 

I feel 100 pounds lighter!

AND THEN

 at Education Week, listening to one of the most sockety men I have ever known,

Brad Wilcox,

I had a Divine reinforcement of this concept.

Oh, my heart! So grateful.

Spoken so eloquently, and from so much experience and Christ-centered service that seemed impossible to balance, 

Brad Wilcox beautifully portrayed his "download" on this same idea. Receiving this revelation, having the same concept completely gifted to me, by someone who I adore- in a way that melted my heart!?! God is good. How grateful I am for His very personal love and concern for this little crazy girl. Watch for similarities in his "download" and mine. It's clear that the source of the epiphanies was the same. 

He calls it "Learning to Juggle Our Many Responsibilities."

He told a story about a man who juggled for God. The book is called "The Clown of God."

It's a beautiful story. So perfectly portrays the essence of this concept.

Here are some of the ideas he shared that reinforced, so perfectly, my "switchboard" epiphany.

"There is a scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that talks about how we will not be tempted beyond what we can handle. But, sometimes, it is taken out of context. So the meaning sounds like, "we will not be given more than we can handle."

He quoted a man named Chris Belcher {who went blind from cancer} who said, "We ARE given more than we can handle-the Savior makes up the difference."

He also went on to say,

"Simplify! We already have. What do we cut out, vacations? Church? Exercise? Eating healthy? Okay. 

Prioritize! 1. Family 2. Church 3. Work-sounds really nice, but the realities are different. Is it even possible to balance?

Elder Holland said once, {paraphrased} 

"What must come first and foremost, is our personal relationship with God."

Then Bro. Wilcox said, 

"When I do this, the Holy Ghost always tells me what comes second, and third. And it changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. I'm avoiding the crisis by allowing God to manage my moments. It's the only way I can live this multi-faceted life, being pulled on every side- IN PEACE.

How does Christ know who to pass over, and who needs a miracle? The Spirit will give you a little tug here, or there, who needs a little more. These tugs make the "good tasks" I'm doing "better." 

Also, I can live with integrity, and peace amidst the multi-tasking, knowing that I am in alignment."

One thing he said that I LOVED, 

"Juggling doesn't allow me to be everything to everyone everywhere, but it allows me to be something, somewhere, to someone."

Bro Wilcox talked about a time when he felt overwhelmed with his many responsibilities. He asked his wife, "When is it just going to even out?"

She {a nurse} said, "When you're hooked up to a heart monitor, you don't want a straight line. The ups and downs mean you're alive! And that you're participating, not just existing."

Another thing he said, that I could paste on my mirror,

Remember, "I am juggling for God!

The ball size, number of balls are different for everyone. But our purpose must be the same. Christ died so I can live, learn, juggle. As we do, we learn to be more like the master juggler of the whole universe. Our efforts to juggle are worth it." 

These two experiences have changed me forever. I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to receive personal revelation from God. The trick is REMEMBERing to seek it. 

But I am so grateful that He is always here, ready and willing to teach me, comfort me, and fill me with His peace.

Precious Baby

Have you ever been in a situation where there is a teacher, instructor, book, seminar, or anything, where you are asked to make a list of your strengths? I have. So many times. It's always a bitter sweet experience. Honestly, at first, I feel very uncomfortable. Who likes to sit and do that? I usually feel "at a loss" to begin with. And then, I innately know the very strongest attribute of Christy Cook Jex. And I feel okay admitting this, and sharing it, because it centers on other people. It's my capacity for love. I know, that a very major part of my mission on this earth, is to love people. Not just feel the love, but to verbally express it. Also, as part of a very personal, and sacred blessing I've received, it mentions that I have an "eye for beauty. Not only in the physical dimension, but the spiritual too." And I recognize that. I do feel like I'm able to truly "see" people. I truly do BURST for people, like a lot. I feel intense surges of pure, Christ-like, explosive love for people! It usually ends in either a bite on their arm, a big squeeze, a clenched, shaking jaw, an explosion of  "oooooooooooh," a little smack on the butt, or James takes a beating. Cause he's usually standing closest to me, and someone has to take it, right?! Or, he'll be the "scapegoat" if the person isn't near me, isn't big enough, (babies) or strong enough to take such a blow. 

And, on top of this, I've felt also, that I MUST share with them how I "see" them. Because, I know for a fact, people don't hear the compliments we think of them nearly as much as would serve them. So, if I walking by someone who has a pretty smile, they're gonna hear it. "Stranger" or not. Or if someone looks extra beautiful, they're gonna hear it. If they have a beautiful set of ........feet, they're gonna get squeezed. ;) If they have a fuzzy set of ear-lobes, they're gonna get bitten. (My poor brother-in-law.) Or, if I recognize a spiritual attribute that I admire, it won't do un-said. I realize that being so verbal like this, with people, could cause my words to seem "watered down," but I don't care. They're still going to hear it, and I mean every word I say.

Today I had one of the most profound experiences of my entire 30 years on the earth. 

I cannot let this day pass, and the intensity of this experience fade even for one day without recording the moment of today. 

I was sitting in Merilee Boyack's class, again. Next to my beautiful baby sister, Niki. Sis. Boyack was explaining how much God loves us. She showed a picture of one of her adorable, newborn grandsons. She asked a few questions regarding this concept. First of all, "Does this sweet baby have to do ANYthing to earn your love?" Of course not. But, then, I started drifting...Immediately, the words our of my mouth were, "OOOH shweetie." Only, I had to temper the usual volume, being that we were in an auditorium full of people, in a reverent setting. So, a very muted version was all I could indulge in. If you know, me, this is typical. As soon as there is a baby around, the crazy voices come out, there's lots of gritting of my teeth, shaking jaw, baby peach fuzz-sniffing, and maybe a mouth kiss, and sniff or two or seventy six. My own babies? Well, that's another story. Let's just say, we kinda make out. I cannot freaking handle how much I love babies. ESPECIALLY my precious babies. So, I was drifting into "the zone." The baby zone. Where my compulsions come blasting out, and I feel this overwhelmingly intense amount of sheer bursting love! I first experienced it with my angel, Jaxon. And then with the same intensity (I couldn't imagine this being possible) with our second angel baby, Christian. Once I first felt this overwhelmingly delicious love come spilling out of my heart and fill my entire soul, 

I KNEW, 

I knew, 

with absolute, undeniable clarity, and precision, and great humility that my calling in this life, on this earth, and for eternity, was to be their Mommy. It was the most instantaneous shift, and "download" from Heaven, I have ever experienced. And this runs deep into the very fiber of what makes me breath. And what beats my heart. And it is who I AM. 

All of that was important to depict, so today's moment hits home. 

So, there I sat. Just completely enveloped in "the zone." I could almost smell the baby's breath, and feel the furry hair as I sniffed it. And feel the soft skin, feel the weight of that sweet baby, fitting so perfectly in my arms. I almost wasn't hearing anything else Sis. Boyack was describing. And then this--it makes my chest shake to even type this right now. She said this. "Heavenly Father loves you like you love your babies. Because 

YOU are 

HIS 

precious 

baby.

In that moment, it was as if the tables were instantaneously turned. "The zone" that I had drifted to-filled with 

the bursting love I felt that can't be contained. The feeling that literally has NO words that capture its essence--it's not OF this world, or dimension. 

The feeling of complete unconditional love, unearned, but given fully.

The feeling of total peace, purpose, Divinity. 

I'm struggling right now to attempt describing this with words-

but it's all-consuming, Divine, transcendent, beautiful.

The tables turned.

All of a sudden, I, Christy, was the precious baby being adored.

Being held gently, kissed softly...adored.

It was like Heavenly Father wasn't holding back, nothing was left un-said. He "downloaded"

me with all He was pleased with, in me.

He gave powerful, Divine compliments to my heart. 

That filled me up to overflowing.

{I had to leave, or the snort-cry would have come.}

I literally felt even more intensity of love

from my Heavenly Father 

for me, 

than I feel in my daily life for my babies 

and others.

Read that again.

More?

Is that even possible??!?!

In that moment, I realized a small part of why I get to be a Mommy in this life, 

is to experience on a tiny scale, how God loves His children, me.

So that in turn, I can not only love with a Christ-like love, but 

receive, and believe the love He has for me.

It's all part of the intricate plan He has for me.

Part of His Divine design.

It was a burst. 

From Heavenly Father to me.

He taught me how to love like this. I am created from Him. 

As intense as I feel love, He has given me a mere spark of His capacity to love. 

Just a spark.

The expanse of His capacity to love, all at once, hit me. It surprised me. It humbled me, it was all-encompassing, overwhelming, and like 

nothing

nothing

 I'd ever felt before. 

{This is written in past-tense, but it changed my heart forever. And I feel it right now, still}

It was pure, powerful, the love of God. In all its majesty. 

The unconditional, perfect, infinite love that God has for little, crazy Christy.

In that moment, a flood of miracle after miracle flashed before my mind. As if Heavenly Father was 

reminding me, while my heart was open, of all the countless times He had shown me this love, 

but I somehow missed it. I missed this. I didn't receive all that He had to give me. Until now.

He shows me.

Everyday. 

He's performed literal miracles in my life.

I've witnessed miracles.

I've seen them.

He knows me.

{tears flowing, even now}

He loves me. 

He adores me. 

and

 I am His precious baby.

Cannot WAIT.

I am absolutely BURSTING with sockety concepts from Education Week. 

I CANNOT WAIT TO WRITE THEM!!! 

You just freakin wait.

I Can't Lie

I was thinking {probably better said, over-thinking, I do this a lot} today...

"I wonder if people think I'm just full of it?"

Like I run around blowing sunshine, pretending things are so perfect.

I ADORE my kids, my husband, my family, my neighborhood, my Savior, and the list goes on and on. 

BUT

Does the fact that I adore all these people mean that they are all perfect? And that there's nothing I could complain about? And no room for improvement from me, and lots of these people? 

Absolutely not. 

I had a moment today.

One of the instructors at Education Week, Merilee Boyack, who I adore,

read a poem called "Girl in a Whirl," by, Vicki Gunther.

It basically goes on and on about that "perfect" woman who we all compare ourselves to and abhor.

The one who seems to be on top of everything, finds time to do it all, never down, a resident "pro" at 

everything that our culture can adopt as "must-dos." That are not at all, in fact, must dos. I'll post it, sometime, but look it up. It's fabulous.

Anyway, that's when this thought came. 

 I'll be the first to admit, I am a very vocal and passionate girl. Sometimes, I'm not sure that's a great combination... 

But if I'm thinking it, feeling it, bursting over it, or really bugged about it, you'll hear about it. 

That goes for amazing days, and amazingly shizzy days, too.

So, welcome to an "UP" season in my life. It's real, I'm so grateful, 

and I would NEVER want to portray that my life is perfect, and that it's all easy, all the time,

figured out, and breezy for me. 

As a matter of fact, I have had a couple of experiences and seasons in my life

that were absolute HELL on earth. Totally, completely about did me in.

One of those seasons, I thought I did NOT have the capacity to make it through, literally.

My faith was tested, 

I mean

TESTED.

From this season, I have watched Heavenly Father use me as a tool, to be very open 

with people I love, and share my story, to assist Him in giving his precious children hope.

That even though we ALL have these horrific times, and difficult trials in our lives, 

we can do hard things.

And He is always, just always listening to our prayers 

and ready wrap us in His Divine love, and peace.

Life is a roller-coaster. Sometimes we're UP and sometimes we're down. 

And that's just the way it is. 

So, having said that, the truth is, I feel very blessed and happier than I've ever felt! I truly am becoming so much more aware of how richly blessed I am. It's interesting, because I don't "have" anymore than I've had in the past. But, I feel Christ more intricately involved in my life than ever before. And Christ IS light.

So, naturally, as I invite Him into my life more, there is more light in my life. 

So, even though there may not be any more there than before, the added light in my life, shines on things I never noticed before!

It's like comparing two identical rooms filled with the exact same stuff.

One room is pitch black, 

and the other fully lit.

Does the fact that we can't see what's in the dark room, mean it isn't as full as the other room?

Of course not.

I feel like Heavenly Father has his hand on the dimmer switch, and is gradually brightening the lights

in my life, through our Savior.

And I'm seeing the REALITY of how blessed I am.

Little corners filled with tender mercies, that were hidden in the shadows are now

glistening!

And that's the truth. 

Of course, there are always things I could complain about, of course.

But the truth is, I have SO much to be grateful for, 

so why would I sling poo?

When, instead, I am acutely aware and bursting for how blessed I am!!!

So, I could rant about something unimportant, 

or complain about my pinky toe nail. {I actually did hurt it lately, ;)}

But I KNOW the truth, and I am blessed, grateful, and my friends,

I cannot lie.

xo