Comparison Oblivion is the Giver of JOY

Interesting. I just finished reading a post. All about how this woman walked into church with her family all mismatched, not dressed in anything special for Easter Sunday. And how they aren't the "perfectly matched plaid" family in pastels on Easter Sunday. And how she looked at all the families walking in in their perfectly styled outfits matching head to toe. With accessories, purses, etc to finish off the perfect look. And she says how at one point she would have compared herself and felt so inadequate, and beat herself up because of the stark contrast between how her family is dressed and the seemingly perfect family.... She also said how she has come to realize how much more she appreciates having good health, and living her life. She doesn't worry about those insignificant details anymore.

All of this struck me in such an interesting way. Because I feel like I have been on both sides of this story. And comparison. I know I have been that Momma who was GIDDY to put together beautiful, new, spring outfits for my precious babies to wear on Easter Sunday. And how seeing them all together, on Easter Sunday, in a photo about made my heart burst all over the place. And how those are the moments that I always dreamt of as a Momma. Enjoying the moment, reveling in the spirit of the day. And feeling totally blessed beyond measere, and at peace with it all.

And then, I remembered how last year on Easter, we weren't even at church. We were home sick. Because we COULD NOT catch a break with the winter sickness. And we didn't even think about getting new Easter clothes. And how I felt sad that we missed church, and taking part in all the fun activities and the beautiful spirit that we enjoy on Easter Sunday, but how I felt at peace with it all. My insides felt still, calm, okay with "missing out" on Easter. Because I understood that the MOST important components were in place. And the rest doesn't create happiness, it's just extra stuff. That is just for fun.

And then, I remembered a time when I actually used to abhor the thought of posting an obligatory Easter picture of all of my kids in their new outfits, smiling so perfectly and looking so perfectly put together, because I didn't want to be
"one of those Utah Mormon mommies." NOT because I didn't LOVE the picture, and wanted to share it with the people I love, but I didn't want to be lumped into some group. I didn't want to "appear" to be following the pack and doing what I did out of a "wanting to fit in" motive. Because I DIDN'T want to blend in. AT ALL. And how I actually used to GO OUT of my way to set myself apart from "the norm" because I REALLY didn't want to just follow the pack. BE just like everyone else. Just another cheesy, Utah mom. But, it's interesting how in the attempt to be "authentic" and be ME, I actually wasn't. I was actually denying myself of that gift. To just be me. Now, I can see just how very judgmental and immature this thought train was. Bless. My. Heart.

And then I realized. I do not feel like I need to "keep up with the joneses," or "post my obligatory Easter pic" or "make sure we all wear matching pastel outfits." Or even look left or right to compare myself to anyone else. I honestly don't even think I noticed if anyone else had matching pastel outfits on at church today? I don't think the thought of making sure we all matched even crossed my mind. But I guess we kind of did match? So, this year, were we one of the families that "appeared" to be all perfectly matched? Is that a bad thing? Hmmm....

What I DID notice is a whole bunch of darling families at church in the cutest Easter outfits. With their facing beaming with excitement. I noticed some cute kids, families in their regular church clothes but those beaming faces! I noticed some beautiful parents slaving away to keep their children alive and happy. Some in pastels and others in black. And can I even remember who wore what? But the thought of comparing, or drawing conclusions about me, my family and other families honestly didn't even make it into my mind. And to be honest, I would like to venture to think that it probably didn't enter most other people's minds either!

I guess the point I am coming to here, is most people are doing what they feel is the most abundant choice. Some Easters, the most abundant choice for our family was to put our regular church clothes on, put a smile on our faces and get our little tushies to church to worship our Savior. Some years, we were able to wear brand new Easter clothes to church! But we got our little tushies to church to worship our Savior. Other years, we were at home, sick, in pajamas watching movies all day long on Easter Sunday. And the clothes stuff? And matching? Or not? Is it even worth a thought? Is it even a topic that deserves a moment of our energy or time?

I feel FREE!!! Cause guess what!?!? I LOVE seeing all of my friends and families post their DARLING family pics on Easter! And I LOVE to share my photos too! Matching? Non-matching? Black? Maroon? Pastel? GREEEEAT! WHO GIVES A flying RAT'S A! The faces! The grinning! The love, the JOY! The families, of all shapes and sizes.. THAT is what I love to see. THAT is what fills my heart. And the thought of "setting myself apart" or even NOTICING if we matched, they matched or didn't is like, HUH?!

And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by YOU. I know that most of you if not all of you are JUST LIKE ME. WE DO NOT CARE! Is it fun to get a new outfit at Easter? Or a new tie? Of course! But does it define the kind of Mom I am? Or define what kind of family we are?! UUUUUUUUH HELLO!!! Of course NOT.

It feels so wonderful to just be. To accept what is. The season. To LOVE what is. To know that true happiness doesn't come from stuff. But sometimes, stuff is FUN! And that's okay. BUT it doesn't define me, you, or anyone. What really matters is pleasing HIM.

I used to spend my LIFE trying tirelessly to please EVERYONE. To feel like I was "approved" by everyone. HOLY DRAINING. I feel such a stark contrast with that now. I know now, I am most certainly NOT pleasing everyone. I know there are probably more people who disapprove of me than ever before. BUT it feels wonderful to me! It's okay! I do my very best. And I don't always measure up to others' expectations, and I am okay with that. AHHH.. My heart is fuller than it's ever been. I am not always perfect at this. Not gonna pretend to be. But my heart's desire is to please ONE. Him. To make SURE I am in alignment with His plan. His desires for me. For us. Because HE is the ONLY one who can fill me ALL. THE. WAY. UP. His approval fills me to overflowing. And HIS way is ALWAYS the best way.

The Pendulum

I'm alive! It feels so good to look at/remember that I have a blog that I love! And have I mentioned before how much I LOVE to write!? Oh, I love it and miss it. And have been inspired many times to KEEP writing. So I must. I have NOT been creating time to write lately and I desperately miss it. I am creating another shift and exercising my "Christ-centered Peace" muscle and overcoming my "perfectionism" inclination. My tendency is to avoid blogging unless I have three hours of un-interrupted peace to sit and write in peace. BAAHAHAHA... Have you noticed how regularly I have been blogging lately? Yeah, so it's gonna be short, imperfect, real, but SOMETHING, RIGHT?! 

I had baby Lucy on May 3, 2013. She is SUCH a dolly dolly! I am SOOO in love with her! We all are. I feel abundantly blessed every day to have a gorgeous, sweet little daughter in my world. So blessed. Joy that is FAR BEYOND description...

With her pregnancy, came some very difficult trials for me, if I'm being real and honest, and I am.

I was SO sick. Like I never could comprehend how sick I could be-in lots of ways. I was physically, car sick for about four months. Every day and night. It didn't let up at all. Which was so exhausting. I was extremely fatigued. I have never experienced that kind of exhaustion. Mentally I was a crazy person. Oh nelly. I was depressed, no doubt. I felt post-partum depression/anxiety while pregnant...Huh?? I was not seeing reality--I felt a severe hormonal imbalance that 

rocked. my. world. 

I remember actually experiencing feelings/thoughts/emotions that I NEVER felt before. Like..."I must escape this pain. SOMEHOW." And "What is the point of this agony? Of life?" I remember specifically visiting the temple with great hopes to receive revelation/comfort regarding the thought I struggled with the most--"Heavenly Father asks that I multiply and replenish the earth. And that's exactly what I am striving to do. So, why is this absolutely killing me? Where are the blessings? Grace? Where is the end? Relief? Why does this have to be SO hard? If I am striving to do what Heavenly Father asks, WHY am I SO unhappy?" {I am getting very real right now. I am a happy, grateful person, but this was honestly the anguished pleadings of my pregnant/hormonal soul.}

The responsibilities I had were overwhelming. 

We were building a home. YAY! And along with that, there was SO much to do! And even more to pay for! Eeeeeek. We were completing project "get completely out of debt and get our finances in perfect order so we can pass a financial rectal exam-pending." I had two young, energetic boys that I ADORE and felt a great desire/stewardship to nurture, love, teach. I was dealing with very challenging ADHD/defiant behaviors from my oldest son. I had the wife/homemaker responsibilities that had to be addressed on a DAILY basis. {Can't the laundry just stay in mountains?!?} And there was a few months of a very intense marital struggle that was very difficult for me. James' work situation was such that he was under intense pressure to perform--OR ELSE. {With a baby on the way and our home being built. Ah. yikes}

I was still doing a crazy long hair day once {let's be honest--more than once} a week that was about 13-14 hours a day. And keeping my clients cared for and taken care of was of chief importance to me. 

The bottom line of this whole pity story of mine is this:

I simply HAD to be in a "good place" in order to meet my responsibilities and I didn't feel up to the task.

Like, NOT AT ALL.

Then, there was the guilt for not feeling good. 

OH MY GOSH. 

I think all the mamas out there can relate!

I was not in a good place and it was killing me. 

Drowning. Fast and hard.

So, December 2012 I was at the height of this hellish feeling and I went to the Savior of the World with my Jamous. I had been "wrestling before God" with this for several months and didn't feel like I was breaking through anything--no lightbulbs. No epiphanies. It was and continued to be a dark place.

BUT 

I was still seeking for the light, and I knew that if I continued to wrestle, Heavenly Father would come through. And I knew that.

As we were stretching during the intermission, it came. 

I remember so vividly.

I was wearing my coral maternity blouse with a little gold buckle at the collar bone.

I was stretching my back {my sciatic nerve pinched like CRAZY during my pregnancy}

And looking down on the crowd from the balcony.

Completely unforeseen tears streamed down my face and I felt that heavenly hug, Divine understanding, make sense of my madness. I got the download I had been aching for, the purpose was clear to me where I felt like I had been wearing REALLY dirty goggles. My pain was all I could see. But at this moment, I felt a paradigm shift and I felt so much love from my Heavenly Daddy. 

And here is the download that changed everything.

The pendulum swings BOTH ways. 

There MUST needs be opposition in ALL things.

We MUST know the bitter to truly appreciate the sweet.

To the degree that the pain reaches, is exactly the degree that the joy reaches when the pendulum swings the opposite way. 

The fact that I was experiencing SUCH anguish meant that there was INTENSE joy coming my way. The place was being carved out to be CAPABLE of truly experiencing that kind of JOY. Had I not been in such turmoil, I would not have been capable of feeling the deep and indescribable joy I was headed for. Does that make sense? I'll tell you---it did NOT make sense to me until that moment. Until Heavenly Father touched my mind and my heart like only He can, I was out of alignment, and could not make sense of it all. But once He graced me with just another little taste of His knowledge, it all aligned, my mind and heart got clear and immediately I shifted.

So, instantly instead of feeling picked on, confused, frustrated at the discomfort I was experiencing, I was able to see the loving hand of God!

He was blessing me with the ABILITY to receive and transcend the pain with exceedingly GREAT JOY to come!!! 

It was ALL a blessing! A gift! 

He allowed the bitterness so that I could be ready, be prepared, be EQUIPPED to feel the same degree of heavenly joy.

For that pendulum to take that SAME momentum it had gained swinging into the valley of death, and when the time was right, when the "fourth watch" had come, the pendulum would soar into joy and happiness that is beyond mortal description.

Once again, I learned how good God is. 

Always.

I was SURE before, that this was just senseless suffering. Like I had been dealt a crappy card. 

Some women just have easy pregnancies, and float through the whole thing.

Surely, I was just afflicted because I was one of the unlucky ones.

But NO.

ALWAYS and forever, there is always Divine wisdom and order.

ALWAYS God loves us, and me.

ALWAYS He wants to bless me. 

ALWAYS He KNOWS my suffering and watches with compassion.

ALWAYS He carries us, me.

ALWAYS there is a unique, carefully orchestrated plan for each and every one of His children.

ALWAYS, each day is numbered and has a purpose.

ALWAYS there is light, if I

KEEP ON SEEKING, asking, knocking. 

Even just a little.

This season wasn't my greatest example of daily scripture study.

My heart was so heavy it seemed overwhelming.

But I did seek a little, and that was enough.

It wasn't as season of complete faithfulness and positive attitude on my part.

But I did keep tiredly striving, and that was enough.

I didn't pour my heart out in prayer on my knees each morning and night for hours at a time.

But my exhausted, desperate pleas for relief  and understanding were enough.

I don't think this can truly be captured with words-the feeling was so big and all-encompassing that I was changed-again.

And I saw again, how this mortal life is a series of epiphanies.

 All spaced out and strung together intermingled with struggles, hardships, heart-wrenching trials that don't seem to make sense.

But always the pendulum swings both ways and brings joy and happiness that can and will always surpass the suffering.

And that is good news.

Grateful. Blessed.

XO

We walked around temple square after the Savior of the World--while it was a blizzard! I have never felt the spirit so strong on Temple Square until this night. A little piece of heaven was gifted to us on that night.

Yesterday's Miracles

Here is the talk I gave in my church's sacrament meeting last week, before Thanksgiving.

{Learn more about my faith here}

A few years ago, I was in the midst of a few very difficult trials, all at once. (Isn't that how it always happens?) It was a soul-anguishing season, to say the least. One of these trials included my precious Daddy. He had discovered that he had a cancerous tumor in his small intestine. I remember desperately pleading with my Heavenly Father to please just spare my Daddy. I would be on my best behavior forever more, if only my Daddy could be okay. Immediately after finding the tumor, he was scheduled to have surgery where they would remove the tumor, and get a better idea of his prognosis. Needless to say, we felt agonized by this waiting game.
{To read more about this experience, click here}

The day of his surgery, our number one prayer was that the cancer hadn't spread to his lymph nodes-- because if it had, it would be very bad news. We found out, following the surgery, that unfortunately, the cancer had spread. I remember my Mommy, and Daddy and I holding each other on my dad's hospital bed, sobbing, after hearing this heart-breaking news. It couldn't be true! And then, soon after, we learned that it had just spread locally, and it was contained, and was completely removed-- the surgery was a total success! It was truly a miracle! The sequence of events that led to this amazing news, was inspired all along, and we were, undoubtedly the very blessed recipients of a miracle!

I vowed that day, that I would always remember the miracle we had received, and that I would always thank Heavenly Father for it. It turned out, that every one of the difficult trials we faced during this season, turned into absolute miracles, at the hand of God. We were witnesses of many modern-day miracles, and we were graciously blessed. As I pondered the events that surrounded this experience, a very simple truth was revealed to me, that I strive to remember.

{Taken right after his surgery in 2008}

I will never allow yesterday's miracle, 

to become today's normal. 

Once again,

I will never allow yesterday's miracle, to 

become today's normal. 

How appropriate that on this beautiful Sunday before Thanksgiving, we get to share some thoughts on gratitude. I am truly grateful for this opportunity today.

I don't know about you, but when I study the Gospel, I love to get to the roots of doctrine. When referring to the roots of what's important pertaining to gratitude, there is nothing more meaningful, deeply rooted or sacred than the gift of our Savior's atoning sacrifice. It is the foundation for all other blessings we receive. This gift, alone, is cause for rejoicing every day! And this gift, is what brings true joy, happiness, and peace in this life—for this infinite gift, I know each of us is deeply grateful.

Pres. Marion G. Romney said it best.

“We should be thankful and express appreciation for all favors received—and surely we receive many. The chief objects of our gratitude, however, should be, and are, God, our Heavenly Father, and his son Jesus Christ, our Lord and Redeemer. …

“To the Lord Jesus we owe an undying debt of gratitude, for he bought us with a great price. It is impossible for us, weak mortals as we are, to fully comprehend and appreciate the sufferings he endured on the cross that he might gain for us the victory over death.” 

To me, to be grateful and to remember are closely related. My all-time favorite word is the word remember. I love it. It has a sacred place in my heart. To me, it denotes Divinity. It reminds me of keeping all that is sacred, true, and holy in the front of my mind and heart. To “remember” means to live from this space of remembrance, and keep a bright recollection of God's handiwork in my world. To stay united with Christ in all that I do. To always remember, and be grateful for the miracles I receive.

I love what King Benjamin said in Mosiah 4:11,12. You can turn there with me, if you'd like.

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel."

I love this, listen carefully to what “always” happens when we do this...(four things)

“And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.” 

It's interesting to me, that being grateful is a commandment. In D&C 59:7 it says, “Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.” And yet, while we are commanded to give thanks, we reap such huge benefits for obeying.

Who in the Saratoga Springs 7th ward, wouldn't want to ALWAYS rejoice? Or ALWAYS be filled with God's love? That might come in handy?! With Kids? Or ALWAYS retain a remission of our sins? Or ALWAYS learn more about our Creator? Or ALWAYS receive more truth from Him? How much sweeter would each of our lives be if we more fully obeyed the commandment to give thanks? Here's a few questions for us to ponder: What healing could take place for you and me, personally, if we can be just a little more grateful? And claim these promises? How can we be blessed, and bless those around us by being more grateful? If something pops into our minds, I challenge all of us to make a note of it, and test this out for ourselves.

Being grateful is a commandment, and carries with it rich promises. So, what about ingratitude?
This poem says it well:

“How Different.”

Some murmur when the sky is clear

And wholly bright to view,

If one small speck of dark appear

In their great heaven of blue:

And some with thankful love are filled,

If but one streak of light,

One ray of God’s good mercy, gild

The darkness of their night.

Elder Eyring said:

“The Prophet Joseph said at one time that one of the greatest sins of which the Latter-day Saints would be guilty is the sin of ingratitude. THE SIN OF INGRATITUDE. I presume most of us have not thought of that as a great sin. There is a great tendency for us in our prayers and in our pleadings with the Lord to ask for additional blessings. But sometimes I feel we need to devote more of our prayers to expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving for blessings already received. We enjoy so much.”

Elder Eyring also said this:

“We so easily forget that we came into life with nothing. Whatever we get soon seems our natural right, not a gift. And we forget the giver. Then our gaze shifts from what we have been given to what we don’t have yet.”

I can't speak for you, but I know that I have absolutely been guilty of the great sin of ingratitude. A couple of years ago, as part of my New Year's theme, I knew it was time to cultivate a more grateful countenance. So, here's what I did. Every time I felt the need to complain about something, I would stop, and find SOMETHING, ANYTHING directly related to the forthcoming complaint and search instead for a blessing.

For example:
If I'm about to complain about the mountains of laundry that I get to keep washing, drying, folding, putting away, and picking up off the floor, instead I stop. How are these mountains a blessing? Well, they keep my angel babies warm, and clothed. And, the clothes, the many many clothes...a blessing? Or a curse? Immediately, the rage melts away, and instead, my heart is full. As I sit there watching James fold them all. Wink wink.

If I am about to complain about the toothpaste splatters on the mirror, instead I thank Heavenly Father for giving me such a kind, incredibly handsome and intelligent sweetheart. The toothpaste splatter means that my husband is alive, he woke up this morning, he is capable of providing for us, and that he values oral hygiene, which I am, indeed :) grateful for ;)

When my strong-willed little off spring is expressing his great dissatisfaction with being in time-out, and his refusal to comply with the “we must wear clothing to school” rule, when I'm about to look to the heavens and ask REEEAAALLY!?! Instead, I thank Heavenly Father for sending me such a valiant, strong soul! And I am grateful for the opportunity to fulfill the role I have always aspired for most, being a Mommy.

This little spin on gratitude has proven to add light to my heart, brought me closer to Christ, and is a stepping stone on my pathway to discipleship. I can testify of the truthfulness of the promises that come from choosing to be grateful.

Another effective way to cultivate a grateful countenance, is to write. President Spencer W. Kimball described the process of inspired writing: “Those who keep a book of remembrance are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives. Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.”

President Eyring adds to this: 

"As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me today?” If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes, you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life."

As poor, young newlyweds, James and I started writing “our little list of miracles.”
Here are a couple examples:

July 6th, 2003--We found the perfect shoes for James for 12.99 at Big 5. YAY! Our brand new box springs from the DI for 10 bucks! Christy broke her tooth, but it doesn't hurt at all! Aka We don't have to spend money to fix it until it hurts. No joke: 7 months later: Christy's tooth broke even more, still NO PAIN! :) June 2004 Found out we are pregnant!! So excited!

These are just a couple of examples, but we have pages and pages of these kinds of miracles throughout our first years together. I can also testify of the reality of writing our little miracles down. For me, it's my way of taking ownership of my own, personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and recognizing His hand in the details of my life.

Here's another question: What miracles have each of us received that have gone unnoticed? Are we missing opportunities to record these blessings that could bless us and our posterity? What miracles have I received that deserve to be written and preserved? I challenge each of us to write these things down, just a little more.

In closing,

Elder Hales said, “Gratitude expressed to our Heavenly Father in prayer for what we have brings a calming peace—a peace which allows us to not canker our souls for what we don’t have. Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. 

President Eyring said, “The remembrance King Benjamin urged upon us can be ours. Remembrance is the seed of gratitude which is the seed of generosity. Gratitude for the remission of sins is the seed of charity, the pure love of Christ.”

I know with all my heart that as each of us remembers Christ's atonement, records our miracles, and chooses gratitude, we will more clearly see the very Hand of God in our every day and experience more joy and peace in this life.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles, Begins With a Single Step: A Single Step

This beautiful quote, "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step," is by Lao-tzu. Had to give the credit where it's deserved. 

Well, today was the first day of school. YEAH! And boo, at the same time. 

As much as I am convinced that I am SO ready for school to start, and ready for a change of pace, 

I still get a sting in my eyes and a lump in my throat once I watch that little brown eyed boy bound into the school for the first time.

Time goes SO fast. 

I remember, as a kid, thinking a month was SUCH a long time. And a year, was never-ending.

Well, those days are long over. 

My baby boy just turned 2!

And my other baby just started 2nd grade!

How did this happen?

I'm still in 2nd grade? How is it possible for a 2nd grader to have a 2nd grader?

It's a mystery.

It's an emphatic reminder that I MUST slow down, play more, snuggle more, talk more, LISTEN (about some one's future plans, that involve building a factory where droids do all his work, HE is in charge!

and he creates real light sabers, compasses, Santa's sleighs and much, much MORE-in one long, run-on sentence with no breath in between)

more.

I love my babies, 

like more than I can even express. 

I FREAKING LOVE MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They drive me absolutely inSANE at times. But then, the next moment, they melt my heart 

with something hilarious or sweet, and I'm smitten. All over again. 

OOOOOH how I love my babies.

I want more, lots more. 

Okay, so the last couple months, I officially began a journey from perfection to peace.

On a drive home from Zion's National Park, where we hiked Angel's Landing,

and the Narrows, I had an "aha!" moment.

We had such a blissful time on this trip. I mean heavenly.

For me, I LOVE to hike, run, walk, strengthen this healthy body I've been blessed with.

And, even more, I ADORE nature, God's creations, this beautiful earth.

Because it always involves feeling an abundance of God's love-and feeling the Spirit, the whole time.

I LOVE it. 

I also LOVE my babies 

(meaning: my actual babies, but also the people I love most in this world. My sweet Jamous, #1, my parents, family, siblings, and I have a few babies that are my framily-friends I choose for family.)

However, when all three are combined-

Well, that is my definition of HEAVEN.

Literal heaven.

So, we experienced this at Zion's, and it calmed my soul,

I could breath deeper, I felt at peace from the core of my being.

It was almost as if my "vibration" was deeper, slower, more at peace, and sensitive to 

eternal perspective.

So, then, as we were just driving into Utah County, where we live, I felt this very sudden surge of anxiety come over me.

I started panicking. My body felt tense, tight, achy.

My heart started pounding, my breathing began to race,

FEAR overcame my being.

What?

How is this possible?

After such an exquisite experience, how is this feeling so suddenly overtaking my soul?

It was a moment where I fell right into a "sweet spot." 

Remember me explaining this?

Well, I felt a shift. I wanted to get to the bottom of why this was coming on.

I love my life! I am so blessed!

So, why when I was re-entering my life, was there such a flood of anxiety threatening my very peace of mind?

The quality of my life. 

"I don't want to live this way, Hunny."

I said to my sweet Jamous.

I felt an intense desire, like never before, to get feedback, from my Jamous, the one who knows me best, watches my antics, why I was feeling this?

How am I creating this?

I asked him to give me some honest, un-filtered ideas as to why this was coming on.

He was hesitant, at first. It turns out I have had my days of 

"thinking I have it all figured out." 

Not very open to my sweetie's suggestions. Not willing to see things from a different paradigm.

So, after a second, and third re-assurance that I truly wanted his feedback, he finally gave me some.

"Hunny, you're too damn hard on yourself. You just expect WAY too much of yourself. You want to be 

perfect at everything. You want to be the perfect Mom, wife, sister, daughter, grand daughter, friend, ward sister, compassionate service leader, hairstylist, housekeeper, you expect to be perfect at your eating and exercise. You want to please everyone, and do everything all the time. You are running WAY faster than is wise, and you have strength. You beat yourself up all the time. It's bad."

He went on and on.

And while I've always known I was a perfectionist. I didn't, until that moment, realize the UGLY side of  it.

I kinda thought it just meant that I like to do things 100%-perfect. "How can that be bad?" I thought.

I just wanted to reach my full potential. And I realize I have been given MUCH, and have lots of passions,

and roles that I want to pursue. Like, eat up for dinner, dig into. 

But, at that moment, I was "downloaded" with the reality of the way I was choosing to engage, think,

expect of myself, BEAT UP ON MYSELF, etc.

And I was also "downloaded" with how hurtful this is to me. To Christy, my spirit. That I was missing so much of the peace and joy my life 

has to offer, because of my obsessive thoughts, my out of control desire to 

PLEASE FREAKING EVERYONE!!!

Oh my gosh! How sick I am of thinking I have to be perfect!! 

And put my peace, and joy on the sacrificial alter

 in the name of "pleasing people." 

Who, as it turns out, aren't the ones I can blame. It's MY expectations, my ridiculous ideas of achieving perfection in this life. Actually fantasizing about how amazing it would be to wake up one morning,

on top of it ALL! 

What the hell?!?!?

As if that's even possible??

Oooooh, how disgusted I am with the thought that I have been deceived.

It's one of my biggest and ugliest weaknesses.
Satan has had some success with me on this one. Or used to, at least.

He probably can't get me to commit some huge, heinous sin, on a daily basis.

 But he can absolutely get me to run this number, beat myself up, believe the lies, be prisoner to my 

obsessive, perfection thoughts. 

Because this one looks beautiful. It seems 

SEEMS beautiful. 

Lots of goals, wanting to be good, serve others, improve.

And when I buy into this bull shiz, here's what it looks like to my family, my babies, and all those around me.

I am RUSHING, hurrying, all the time. My house is either perfect or a wreck, my heart is heavy. I'm not really ever anywhere. Because I'm always multi-tasking to attempt to attain the un-attainable, "being on top of it ALL!" I'm uptight, easily irritated. Less patient, less joyful. More worry, anxious, doubtful, fearful.

I pick at my Jamous. I am so much more aware of all of his weaknesses, because my job is to perfect him too, right? I read anything BUT the word of God. I'm searching for a secular answer to alleviate this feeling. 

I'm stuck in the all or nothing/black or white mentality. So, I'm either SUPER fit, or SUPER itchy (eating emotionally, not working out unless it's perfect, not eating healthy unless it's perfect.)

Staying up way too late, cleaning, stressing, worrying, playing back the day, giving myself a beating for everything I "think" wasn't perfect.

Just for a moment, looking over this horrible space, I create for myself, 

isn't this precisely where Satan wants me?

I don't reach out when I'm in this space, I don't feel worthy to pray, 

so I don't. 

I don't share the love I have with those around me, I'm too consumed with my imperfect state. 

This one has been  a life-long struggle for me.

It's been a roller-coaster, and definitely hasn't defined my life. 

There are times and seasons where I feel it almost overtake me, 

then other seasons where I feel it conquered. 

But, at that moment, in the car, I was acutely aware of the contrast.

I experienced such joy, happiness, contentment, peace of mind, my heart was soaring.

And then, 

BAM!

I felt "the cave" come on so strong.

It was a tender mercy. A sweet spot.

I was gifted with this experience, so I could SEE and FEEL and KNOW

the stark contrast of these two "spaces" and CHOOSE which one I wanted to adopt permanently-

As my way of BEing, my way of life.

To pass on to my beautiful children. 

I have a CHOICE.

So, thus began 

 My Journey From Perfection to Peace.

And from that moment, June 10th, 2012, I was on a mission.

To study, learn, come to KNOW the beast I was facing, (perfectionism)

so I could BEAT IT!

Which, now I know, is a blessing. Struggling with this beast is hard. It requires an awareness of my thoughts, 

my expectations, humility, total and complete TRUST in my Savior, and a commitment to change. 

And this is hard, for a girl like me, to do. 

But, I can literally see how I was given this, and other "beasts" as a catalyst to get me 

closer to Christ and my Heavenly Father. 

Who I love beyond anything I could ever express with words.
This beasts compels me to 

rely

on His Divine, enabling power, His atonement, His mercy, His love. 

Because, I've tried wrestling this beast without their power, 

and it doesn't work.

Sweet Spot.

As I infiltrate this struggle with the 

power, mercy, and love

of the atonement, I can do it! We can do it!

I would be a liar if I didn't testify, that I have literally felt the REALITY of the 

enabling power

 of the atonement.

I have attained "that feeling" of "being on top of it all."

Because I know that where I fall short, my beautiful Savior takes what I've done, and 

super charges all my efforts. And then, He, so lovingly, turns to me, and fills me with His peace.

Oh, how I love His peace. It's my addiction. {tears}

I KNOW this is true. 

And my heart is changed. Converted. From a struggling, imperfect girl-

to a Divine, spirit daughter of God 

on a mortal journey to learn.

All is Well.

xo

Precious Baby

Have you ever been in a situation where there is a teacher, instructor, book, seminar, or anything, where you are asked to make a list of your strengths? I have. So many times. It's always a bitter sweet experience. Honestly, at first, I feel very uncomfortable. Who likes to sit and do that? I usually feel "at a loss" to begin with. And then, I innately know the very strongest attribute of Christy Cook Jex. And I feel okay admitting this, and sharing it, because it centers on other people. It's my capacity for love. I know, that a very major part of my mission on this earth, is to love people. Not just feel the love, but to verbally express it. Also, as part of a very personal, and sacred blessing I've received, it mentions that I have an "eye for beauty. Not only in the physical dimension, but the spiritual too." And I recognize that. I do feel like I'm able to truly "see" people. I truly do BURST for people, like a lot. I feel intense surges of pure, Christ-like, explosive love for people! It usually ends in either a bite on their arm, a big squeeze, a clenched, shaking jaw, an explosion of  "oooooooooooh," a little smack on the butt, or James takes a beating. Cause he's usually standing closest to me, and someone has to take it, right?! Or, he'll be the "scapegoat" if the person isn't near me, isn't big enough, (babies) or strong enough to take such a blow. 

And, on top of this, I've felt also, that I MUST share with them how I "see" them. Because, I know for a fact, people don't hear the compliments we think of them nearly as much as would serve them. So, if I walking by someone who has a pretty smile, they're gonna hear it. "Stranger" or not. Or if someone looks extra beautiful, they're gonna hear it. If they have a beautiful set of ........feet, they're gonna get squeezed. ;) If they have a fuzzy set of ear-lobes, they're gonna get bitten. (My poor brother-in-law.) Or, if I recognize a spiritual attribute that I admire, it won't do un-said. I realize that being so verbal like this, with people, could cause my words to seem "watered down," but I don't care. They're still going to hear it, and I mean every word I say.

Today I had one of the most profound experiences of my entire 30 years on the earth. 

I cannot let this day pass, and the intensity of this experience fade even for one day without recording the moment of today. 

I was sitting in Merilee Boyack's class, again. Next to my beautiful baby sister, Niki. Sis. Boyack was explaining how much God loves us. She showed a picture of one of her adorable, newborn grandsons. She asked a few questions regarding this concept. First of all, "Does this sweet baby have to do ANYthing to earn your love?" Of course not. But, then, I started drifting...Immediately, the words our of my mouth were, "OOOH shweetie." Only, I had to temper the usual volume, being that we were in an auditorium full of people, in a reverent setting. So, a very muted version was all I could indulge in. If you know, me, this is typical. As soon as there is a baby around, the crazy voices come out, there's lots of gritting of my teeth, shaking jaw, baby peach fuzz-sniffing, and maybe a mouth kiss, and sniff or two or seventy six. My own babies? Well, that's another story. Let's just say, we kinda make out. I cannot freaking handle how much I love babies. ESPECIALLY my precious babies. So, I was drifting into "the zone." The baby zone. Where my compulsions come blasting out, and I feel this overwhelmingly intense amount of sheer bursting love! I first experienced it with my angel, Jaxon. And then with the same intensity (I couldn't imagine this being possible) with our second angel baby, Christian. Once I first felt this overwhelmingly delicious love come spilling out of my heart and fill my entire soul, 

I KNEW, 

I knew, 

with absolute, undeniable clarity, and precision, and great humility that my calling in this life, on this earth, and for eternity, was to be their Mommy. It was the most instantaneous shift, and "download" from Heaven, I have ever experienced. And this runs deep into the very fiber of what makes me breath. And what beats my heart. And it is who I AM. 

All of that was important to depict, so today's moment hits home. 

So, there I sat. Just completely enveloped in "the zone." I could almost smell the baby's breath, and feel the furry hair as I sniffed it. And feel the soft skin, feel the weight of that sweet baby, fitting so perfectly in my arms. I almost wasn't hearing anything else Sis. Boyack was describing. And then this--it makes my chest shake to even type this right now. She said this. "Heavenly Father loves you like you love your babies. Because 

YOU are 

HIS 

precious 

baby.

In that moment, it was as if the tables were instantaneously turned. "The zone" that I had drifted to-filled with 

the bursting love I felt that can't be contained. The feeling that literally has NO words that capture its essence--it's not OF this world, or dimension. 

The feeling of complete unconditional love, unearned, but given fully.

The feeling of total peace, purpose, Divinity. 

I'm struggling right now to attempt describing this with words-

but it's all-consuming, Divine, transcendent, beautiful.

The tables turned.

All of a sudden, I, Christy, was the precious baby being adored.

Being held gently, kissed softly...adored.

It was like Heavenly Father wasn't holding back, nothing was left un-said. He "downloaded"

me with all He was pleased with, in me.

He gave powerful, Divine compliments to my heart. 

That filled me up to overflowing.

{I had to leave, or the snort-cry would have come.}

I literally felt even more intensity of love

from my Heavenly Father 

for me, 

than I feel in my daily life for my babies 

and others.

Read that again.

More?

Is that even possible??!?!

In that moment, I realized a small part of why I get to be a Mommy in this life, 

is to experience on a tiny scale, how God loves His children, me.

So that in turn, I can not only love with a Christ-like love, but 

receive, and believe the love He has for me.

It's all part of the intricate plan He has for me.

Part of His Divine design.

It was a burst. 

From Heavenly Father to me.

He taught me how to love like this. I am created from Him. 

As intense as I feel love, He has given me a mere spark of His capacity to love. 

Just a spark.

The expanse of His capacity to love, all at once, hit me. It surprised me. It humbled me, it was all-encompassing, overwhelming, and like 

nothing

nothing

 I'd ever felt before. 

{This is written in past-tense, but it changed my heart forever. And I feel it right now, still}

It was pure, powerful, the love of God. In all its majesty. 

The unconditional, perfect, infinite love that God has for little, crazy Christy.

In that moment, a flood of miracle after miracle flashed before my mind. As if Heavenly Father was 

reminding me, while my heart was open, of all the countless times He had shown me this love, 

but I somehow missed it. I missed this. I didn't receive all that He had to give me. Until now.

He shows me.

Everyday. 

He's performed literal miracles in my life.

I've witnessed miracles.

I've seen them.

He knows me.

{tears flowing, even now}

He loves me. 

He adores me. 

and

 I am His precious baby.