A Journey of a Thousand Miles, Begins With a Single Step: A Single Step

This beautiful quote, "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step," is by Lao-tzu. Had to give the credit where it's deserved. 

Well, today was the first day of school. YEAH! And boo, at the same time. 

As much as I am convinced that I am SO ready for school to start, and ready for a change of pace, 

I still get a sting in my eyes and a lump in my throat once I watch that little brown eyed boy bound into the school for the first time.

Time goes SO fast. 

I remember, as a kid, thinking a month was SUCH a long time. And a year, was never-ending.

Well, those days are long over. 

My baby boy just turned 2!

And my other baby just started 2nd grade!

How did this happen?

I'm still in 2nd grade? How is it possible for a 2nd grader to have a 2nd grader?

It's a mystery.

It's an emphatic reminder that I MUST slow down, play more, snuggle more, talk more, LISTEN (about some one's future plans, that involve building a factory where droids do all his work, HE is in charge!

and he creates real light sabers, compasses, Santa's sleighs and much, much MORE-in one long, run-on sentence with no breath in between)

more.

I love my babies, 

like more than I can even express. 

I FREAKING LOVE MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They drive me absolutely inSANE at times. But then, the next moment, they melt my heart 

with something hilarious or sweet, and I'm smitten. All over again. 

OOOOOH how I love my babies.

I want more, lots more. 

Okay, so the last couple months, I officially began a journey from perfection to peace.

On a drive home from Zion's National Park, where we hiked Angel's Landing,

and the Narrows, I had an "aha!" moment.

We had such a blissful time on this trip. I mean heavenly.

For me, I LOVE to hike, run, walk, strengthen this healthy body I've been blessed with.

And, even more, I ADORE nature, God's creations, this beautiful earth.

Because it always involves feeling an abundance of God's love-and feeling the Spirit, the whole time.

I LOVE it. 

I also LOVE my babies 

(meaning: my actual babies, but also the people I love most in this world. My sweet Jamous, #1, my parents, family, siblings, and I have a few babies that are my framily-friends I choose for family.)

However, when all three are combined-

Well, that is my definition of HEAVEN.

Literal heaven.

So, we experienced this at Zion's, and it calmed my soul,

I could breath deeper, I felt at peace from the core of my being.

It was almost as if my "vibration" was deeper, slower, more at peace, and sensitive to 

eternal perspective.

So, then, as we were just driving into Utah County, where we live, I felt this very sudden surge of anxiety come over me.

I started panicking. My body felt tense, tight, achy.

My heart started pounding, my breathing began to race,

FEAR overcame my being.

What?

How is this possible?

After such an exquisite experience, how is this feeling so suddenly overtaking my soul?

It was a moment where I fell right into a "sweet spot." 

Remember me explaining this?

Well, I felt a shift. I wanted to get to the bottom of why this was coming on.

I love my life! I am so blessed!

So, why when I was re-entering my life, was there such a flood of anxiety threatening my very peace of mind?

The quality of my life. 

"I don't want to live this way, Hunny."

I said to my sweet Jamous.

I felt an intense desire, like never before, to get feedback, from my Jamous, the one who knows me best, watches my antics, why I was feeling this?

How am I creating this?

I asked him to give me some honest, un-filtered ideas as to why this was coming on.

He was hesitant, at first. It turns out I have had my days of 

"thinking I have it all figured out." 

Not very open to my sweetie's suggestions. Not willing to see things from a different paradigm.

So, after a second, and third re-assurance that I truly wanted his feedback, he finally gave me some.

"Hunny, you're too damn hard on yourself. You just expect WAY too much of yourself. You want to be 

perfect at everything. You want to be the perfect Mom, wife, sister, daughter, grand daughter, friend, ward sister, compassionate service leader, hairstylist, housekeeper, you expect to be perfect at your eating and exercise. You want to please everyone, and do everything all the time. You are running WAY faster than is wise, and you have strength. You beat yourself up all the time. It's bad."

He went on and on.

And while I've always known I was a perfectionist. I didn't, until that moment, realize the UGLY side of  it.

I kinda thought it just meant that I like to do things 100%-perfect. "How can that be bad?" I thought.

I just wanted to reach my full potential. And I realize I have been given MUCH, and have lots of passions,

and roles that I want to pursue. Like, eat up for dinner, dig into. 

But, at that moment, I was "downloaded" with the reality of the way I was choosing to engage, think,

expect of myself, BEAT UP ON MYSELF, etc.

And I was also "downloaded" with how hurtful this is to me. To Christy, my spirit. That I was missing so much of the peace and joy my life 

has to offer, because of my obsessive thoughts, my out of control desire to 

PLEASE FREAKING EVERYONE!!!

Oh my gosh! How sick I am of thinking I have to be perfect!! 

And put my peace, and joy on the sacrificial alter

 in the name of "pleasing people." 

Who, as it turns out, aren't the ones I can blame. It's MY expectations, my ridiculous ideas of achieving perfection in this life. Actually fantasizing about how amazing it would be to wake up one morning,

on top of it ALL! 

What the hell?!?!?

As if that's even possible??

Oooooh, how disgusted I am with the thought that I have been deceived.

It's one of my biggest and ugliest weaknesses.
Satan has had some success with me on this one. Or used to, at least.

He probably can't get me to commit some huge, heinous sin, on a daily basis.

 But he can absolutely get me to run this number, beat myself up, believe the lies, be prisoner to my 

obsessive, perfection thoughts. 

Because this one looks beautiful. It seems 

SEEMS beautiful. 

Lots of goals, wanting to be good, serve others, improve.

And when I buy into this bull shiz, here's what it looks like to my family, my babies, and all those around me.

I am RUSHING, hurrying, all the time. My house is either perfect or a wreck, my heart is heavy. I'm not really ever anywhere. Because I'm always multi-tasking to attempt to attain the un-attainable, "being on top of it ALL!" I'm uptight, easily irritated. Less patient, less joyful. More worry, anxious, doubtful, fearful.

I pick at my Jamous. I am so much more aware of all of his weaknesses, because my job is to perfect him too, right? I read anything BUT the word of God. I'm searching for a secular answer to alleviate this feeling. 

I'm stuck in the all or nothing/black or white mentality. So, I'm either SUPER fit, or SUPER itchy (eating emotionally, not working out unless it's perfect, not eating healthy unless it's perfect.)

Staying up way too late, cleaning, stressing, worrying, playing back the day, giving myself a beating for everything I "think" wasn't perfect.

Just for a moment, looking over this horrible space, I create for myself, 

isn't this precisely where Satan wants me?

I don't reach out when I'm in this space, I don't feel worthy to pray, 

so I don't. 

I don't share the love I have with those around me, I'm too consumed with my imperfect state. 

This one has been  a life-long struggle for me.

It's been a roller-coaster, and definitely hasn't defined my life. 

There are times and seasons where I feel it almost overtake me, 

then other seasons where I feel it conquered. 

But, at that moment, in the car, I was acutely aware of the contrast.

I experienced such joy, happiness, contentment, peace of mind, my heart was soaring.

And then, 

BAM!

I felt "the cave" come on so strong.

It was a tender mercy. A sweet spot.

I was gifted with this experience, so I could SEE and FEEL and KNOW

the stark contrast of these two "spaces" and CHOOSE which one I wanted to adopt permanently-

As my way of BEing, my way of life.

To pass on to my beautiful children. 

I have a CHOICE.

So, thus began 

 My Journey From Perfection to Peace.

And from that moment, June 10th, 2012, I was on a mission.

To study, learn, come to KNOW the beast I was facing, (perfectionism)

so I could BEAT IT!

Which, now I know, is a blessing. Struggling with this beast is hard. It requires an awareness of my thoughts, 

my expectations, humility, total and complete TRUST in my Savior, and a commitment to change. 

And this is hard, for a girl like me, to do. 

But, I can literally see how I was given this, and other "beasts" as a catalyst to get me 

closer to Christ and my Heavenly Father. 

Who I love beyond anything I could ever express with words.
This beasts compels me to 

rely

on His Divine, enabling power, His atonement, His mercy, His love. 

Because, I've tried wrestling this beast without their power, 

and it doesn't work.

Sweet Spot.

As I infiltrate this struggle with the 

power, mercy, and love

of the atonement, I can do it! We can do it!

I would be a liar if I didn't testify, that I have literally felt the REALITY of the 

enabling power

 of the atonement.

I have attained "that feeling" of "being on top of it all."

Because I know that where I fall short, my beautiful Savior takes what I've done, and 

super charges all my efforts. And then, He, so lovingly, turns to me, and fills me with His peace.

Oh, how I love His peace. It's my addiction. {tears}

I KNOW this is true. 

And my heart is changed. Converted. From a struggling, imperfect girl-

to a Divine, spirit daughter of God 

on a mortal journey to learn.

All is Well.

xo

A Tender Day

Today was a beautifully, normal day.

I felt especially tender, today. I cried, and sniffed the tears back most of the day. 

But, they were Happy. Humble. Grateful. "Not having room enough to receive it" tears.

I went to a Humanitarian Service meeting at the Stake Center this morning.

The Spirit touched my heart, and it changed me.

They explained one of the projects they were doing, that involved giving dresses to children in Kenya.

At one point, they showed a video of some highlights of this project. One of the highlights was a group of Africans standing up, clapping, dancing, and singing a song.

{They kinda looked like this}

Here it is:

"I am happy today, so happy.

In Jesus name I am happy.

Because he has taken away, my sins away. I am happy so happy today.

Hallelujah!

{tapping watch}

The time to be happy is now, is NOW.

{point down}

And the place to be happy is here, is HERE.

{holds hands with neighbors & swings}

And the way to be happy is to make someone happy and to have a little heaven down here.

Hallelujah!

The time to be happy is now, is NOW.

The place to be happy is here, is HERE.

And the way to be happy is to make someone happy and to have a little heaven down here.

{jump!}

Are you kidding me? These people have so much to complain about, SO much. And yet here they are, sincerely singing from the bottom of their hearts, with grins on their faces, this song of praise to their Savior, of gratitude, and being outward focused, and living in the moment with joy!!?!?!?!? 

Humbled. Grateful. Compassion, and then, the tears.

I am getting my hands on a copy of that video.

Then, after I came home, I had the opportunity to explain the experience to Jaxon, 

and show him some videos of Humanitarian work of the church. And some photos. 

My tender-hearted little guy was glued to every word, and every image. 

After I tucked him into bed tonight, he heard me in the hall, and from his bed he asked, "Mom? Why do those kids with their bones showing not have any food? Oh, I just hate it. Poor guys."

{Pardon the horribly sad photo, it must be remembered with today's experiences}

A moment I shall not forget.


Another powerful, yet totally random

Bathtub epiphany:

Lately, we have re-committed to pay a 100% full, honest tithing. To be quite honest, this is a commandment I haven't been extremely diligent at. For the first few years of our marriage, finances were a source of chaos- enough said. But, we have been blessed, the last couple years, and I have felt strongly, it IS time to commit to this. So we have committed. Sounds easy enough. BUT it has been hard! Getting into this habit takes a LOT of self discipline, planning, etc. BUT James and I have both felt we desperately want to experience the blessings promised to full tithe payers. So, naturally, the last couple of days, I have felt those doubts creeping in, as they always do. Daunting thoughts of other things that "need" to be purchased, instead of being integrity on our commitment and covenant. So, what I have decided to do, is immerse myself in conference talks, the scriptures, beautiful music, Mormon messages, anything to invite the Spirit into my home, and heart to solidify the commitment and obliterate the fear, and doubt--whenever I feel the darkness creeping in. 

It turns out, it WORKS!

Sure enough, when I pray for inspiration, then prepare my heart 

{aka shut up the incessant mental, chatter box}

Heavenly Father answers with precision. 

And here is my answer: 

{the best I can do with words, one of those "hard-to-capture-with-words" things}

As a mortal, I have many distractions, good and bad, that can keep my mind humming and 

my heart "in" the world. 

Heavenly Father wants, deeply, for me to come to Him.

And He also wants, desperately, to bless me.

BUT, He CANNOT bless me, or be with me

unless

I come TO Him, and 

qualify

 for the blessings. So, there is this place.

I call it {for now} 

The sweet spot.

This place, at first, may not seem sweet. In fact, for a mortal girl, it can be very uncomfortable, and can turn

dark, and lonely and hideous. 

This space is where the doubt creeps in, when the fear rears its ugly head, and the devil, himself,

runs his number. This number is very specific, and, I believe, each of us has a "number" the devil knows 

he can use to GET us.

Just a couple of examples of Christy's number...

Self-beating, guilt, comparing, imaginary stories, excuses, rationalizing, judgment,

HURRYING, picking apart my body, focusing on my "imperfections," feeling inadequate,

obsessing over my weaknesses, overscheduling, obsessing about my house, maintaining an inward focus, worry, WORRY, worry, 

fault-finding in my favorite sweeties, PERFECTIONist thinking, all or nothing-ness, anal-izing,

to name a few.

This space is ugly.

No fun, it's dark, depressing, and my light is dimmed, 

arrows go inward,

And he GOT me.

So, why do I call it the sweet spot?

Today, I got that answer.

A paradigm shift. 

It's this moment, the one where I feel all, or one of these uglies creeping in, that I have a CHOICE.

Once I recognize the pattern, I can CHOOSE to immerse myself in light, until it permeates the ugly, 

OR

I can choose to submit, give up, and allow the ugly to drag me into the cave. Where no growth occurs, and 

the Divine connection is severed, and commitments broken.

{One of my favorite Greg Olsen paintings}

In this moment, there CAN be a real, literal recognition of my "weakness." {Ether 12:27,28}

My mortal state, my total and complete dependence upon my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

There can be a sweet remembrance of my Divine nature, and of my 

literal Father in heaven
who can lift me- out of the cave.

Who KNOWS me, and who has ALL strength, ALL power, and IS the very definition of peace.

& that, is sweet.

And that is also why I am given trials of my faith {today, tithing} 

{insert whatever else is challenging, here} 

It is BECAUSE I get to remember that I am a mortal. 

I do not have knowledge, strength, power, and peace 

without-Divinity.

As soon as I recognize this, and turn to my Father in Heaven, 

and access the infinite, and unconditional power of the atonement,

through my Savior, Jesus Christ--

the sweetness melts my fear, reminds me of what I know- to be true, strengthens me, gives me

the power to put my faith in action, and fills my complete being with 

peace.

Divine peace.

The kind that He created, designed from the beginning, and gifts to His children. 

It comes only,

only

from God.

Sweet, so sweet. 

No words can explain, 

and I am so grateful.

xo