I'm alive! It feels so good to look at/remember that I have a blog that I love! And have I mentioned before how much I LOVE to write!? Oh, I love it and miss it. And have been inspired many times to KEEP writing. So I must. I have NOT been creating time to write lately and I desperately miss it. I am creating another shift and exercising my "Christ-centered Peace" muscle and overcoming my "perfectionism" inclination. My tendency is to avoid blogging unless I have three hours of un-interrupted peace to sit and write in peace. BAAHAHAHA... Have you noticed how regularly I have been blogging lately? Yeah, so it's gonna be short, imperfect, real, but SOMETHING, RIGHT?!
I had baby Lucy on May 3, 2013. She is SUCH a dolly dolly! I am SOOO in love with her! We all are. I feel abundantly blessed every day to have a gorgeous, sweet little daughter in my world. So blessed. Joy that is FAR BEYOND description...
With her pregnancy, came some very difficult trials for me, if I'm being real and honest, and I am.
I was SO sick. Like I never could comprehend how sick I could be-in lots of ways. I was physically, car sick for about four months. Every day and night. It didn't let up at all. Which was so exhausting. I was extremely fatigued. I have never experienced that kind of exhaustion. Mentally I was a crazy person. Oh nelly. I was depressed, no doubt. I felt post-partum depression/anxiety while pregnant...Huh?? I was not seeing reality--I felt a severe hormonal imbalance that
rocked. my. world.
I remember actually experiencing feelings/thoughts/emotions that I NEVER felt before. Like..."I must escape this pain. SOMEHOW." And "What is the point of this agony? Of life?" I remember specifically visiting the temple with great hopes to receive revelation/comfort regarding the thought I struggled with the most--"Heavenly Father asks that I multiply and replenish the earth. And that's exactly what I am striving to do. So, why is this absolutely killing me? Where are the blessings? Grace? Where is the end? Relief? Why does this have to be SO hard? If I am striving to do what Heavenly Father asks, WHY am I SO unhappy?" {I am getting very real right now. I am a happy, grateful person, but this was honestly the anguished pleadings of my pregnant/hormonal soul.}
The responsibilities I had were overwhelming.
We were building a home. YAY! And along with that, there was SO much to do! And even more to pay for! Eeeeeek. We were completing project "get completely out of debt and get our finances in perfect order so we can pass a financial rectal exam-pending." I had two young, energetic boys that I ADORE and felt a great desire/stewardship to nurture, love, teach. I was dealing with very challenging ADHD/defiant behaviors from my oldest son. I had the wife/homemaker responsibilities that had to be addressed on a DAILY basis. {Can't the laundry just stay in mountains?!?} And there was a few months of a very intense marital struggle that was very difficult for me. James' work situation was such that he was under intense pressure to perform--OR ELSE. {With a baby on the way and our home being built. Ah. yikes}
I was still doing a crazy long hair day once {let's be honest--more than once} a week that was about 13-14 hours a day. And keeping my clients cared for and taken care of was of chief importance to me.
The bottom line of this whole pity story of mine is this:
I simply HAD to be in a "good place" in order to meet my responsibilities and I didn't feel up to the task.
Like, NOT AT ALL.
Then, there was the guilt for not feeling good.
OH MY GOSH.
I think all the mamas out there can relate!
I was not in a good place and it was killing me.
Drowning. Fast and hard.
So, December 2012 I was at the height of this hellish feeling and I went to the Savior of the World with my Jamous. I had been "wrestling before God" with this for several months and didn't feel like I was breaking through anything--no lightbulbs. No epiphanies. It was and continued to be a dark place.
BUT
I was still seeking for the light, and I knew that if I continued to wrestle, Heavenly Father would come through. And I knew that.
As we were stretching during the intermission, it came.
I remember so vividly.
I was wearing my coral maternity blouse with a little gold buckle at the collar bone.
I was stretching my back {my sciatic nerve pinched like CRAZY during my pregnancy}
And looking down on the crowd from the balcony.
Completely unforeseen tears streamed down my face and I felt that heavenly hug, Divine understanding, make sense of my madness. I got the download I had been aching for, the purpose was clear to me where I felt like I had been wearing REALLY dirty goggles. My pain was all I could see. But at this moment, I felt a paradigm shift and I felt so much love from my Heavenly Daddy.
And here is the download that changed everything.
The pendulum swings BOTH ways.
There MUST needs be opposition in ALL things.
We MUST know the bitter to truly appreciate the sweet.
To the degree that the pain reaches, is exactly the degree that the joy reaches when the pendulum swings the opposite way.
The fact that I was experiencing SUCH anguish meant that there was INTENSE joy coming my way. The place was being carved out to be CAPABLE of truly experiencing that kind of JOY. Had I not been in such turmoil, I would not have been capable of feeling the deep and indescribable joy I was headed for. Does that make sense? I'll tell you---it did NOT make sense to me until that moment. Until Heavenly Father touched my mind and my heart like only He can, I was out of alignment, and could not make sense of it all. But once He graced me with just another little taste of His knowledge, it all aligned, my mind and heart got clear and immediately I shifted.
So, instantly instead of feeling picked on, confused, frustrated at the discomfort I was experiencing, I was able to see the loving hand of God!
He was blessing me with the ABILITY to receive and transcend the pain with exceedingly GREAT JOY to come!!!
It was ALL a blessing! A gift!
He allowed the bitterness so that I could be ready, be prepared, be EQUIPPED to feel the same degree of heavenly joy.
For that pendulum to take that SAME momentum it had gained swinging into the valley of death, and when the time was right, when the "fourth watch" had come, the pendulum would soar into joy and happiness that is beyond mortal description.
Once again, I learned how good God is.
Always.
I was SURE before, that this was just senseless suffering. Like I had been dealt a crappy card.
Some women just have easy pregnancies, and float through the whole thing.
Surely, I was just afflicted because I was one of the unlucky ones.
But NO.
ALWAYS and forever, there is always Divine wisdom and order.
ALWAYS God loves us, and me.
ALWAYS He wants to bless me.
ALWAYS He KNOWS my suffering and watches with compassion.
ALWAYS He carries us, me.
ALWAYS there is a unique, carefully orchestrated plan for each and every one of His children.
ALWAYS, each day is numbered and has a purpose.
ALWAYS there is light, if I
KEEP ON SEEKING, asking, knocking.
Even just a little.
This season wasn't my greatest example of daily scripture study.
My heart was so heavy it seemed overwhelming.
But I did seek a little, and that was enough.
It wasn't as season of complete faithfulness and positive attitude on my part.
But I did keep tiredly striving, and that was enough.
I didn't pour my heart out in prayer on my knees each morning and night for hours at a time.
But my exhausted, desperate pleas for relief and understanding were enough.
I don't think this can truly be captured with words-the feeling was so big and all-encompassing that I was changed-again.
And I saw again, how this mortal life is a series of epiphanies.
All spaced out and strung together intermingled with struggles, hardships, heart-wrenching trials that don't seem to make sense.
But always the pendulum swings both ways and brings joy and happiness that can and will always surpass the suffering.
And that is good news.
Grateful. Blessed.
XO
We walked around temple square after the Savior of the World--while it was a blizzard! I have never felt the spirit so strong on Temple Square until this night. A little piece of heaven was gifted to us on that night.
