Comparison Oblivion is the Giver of JOY

Interesting. I just finished reading a post. All about how this woman walked into church with her family all mismatched, not dressed in anything special for Easter Sunday. And how they aren't the "perfectly matched plaid" family in pastels on Easter Sunday. And how she looked at all the families walking in in their perfectly styled outfits matching head to toe. With accessories, purses, etc to finish off the perfect look. And she says how at one point she would have compared herself and felt so inadequate, and beat herself up because of the stark contrast between how her family is dressed and the seemingly perfect family.... She also said how she has come to realize how much more she appreciates having good health, and living her life. She doesn't worry about those insignificant details anymore.

All of this struck me in such an interesting way. Because I feel like I have been on both sides of this story. And comparison. I know I have been that Momma who was GIDDY to put together beautiful, new, spring outfits for my precious babies to wear on Easter Sunday. And how seeing them all together, on Easter Sunday, in a photo about made my heart burst all over the place. And how those are the moments that I always dreamt of as a Momma. Enjoying the moment, reveling in the spirit of the day. And feeling totally blessed beyond measere, and at peace with it all.

And then, I remembered how last year on Easter, we weren't even at church. We were home sick. Because we COULD NOT catch a break with the winter sickness. And we didn't even think about getting new Easter clothes. And how I felt sad that we missed church, and taking part in all the fun activities and the beautiful spirit that we enjoy on Easter Sunday, but how I felt at peace with it all. My insides felt still, calm, okay with "missing out" on Easter. Because I understood that the MOST important components were in place. And the rest doesn't create happiness, it's just extra stuff. That is just for fun.

And then, I remembered a time when I actually used to abhor the thought of posting an obligatory Easter picture of all of my kids in their new outfits, smiling so perfectly and looking so perfectly put together, because I didn't want to be
"one of those Utah Mormon mommies." NOT because I didn't LOVE the picture, and wanted to share it with the people I love, but I didn't want to be lumped into some group. I didn't want to "appear" to be following the pack and doing what I did out of a "wanting to fit in" motive. Because I DIDN'T want to blend in. AT ALL. And how I actually used to GO OUT of my way to set myself apart from "the norm" because I REALLY didn't want to just follow the pack. BE just like everyone else. Just another cheesy, Utah mom. But, it's interesting how in the attempt to be "authentic" and be ME, I actually wasn't. I was actually denying myself of that gift. To just be me. Now, I can see just how very judgmental and immature this thought train was. Bless. My. Heart.

And then I realized. I do not feel like I need to "keep up with the joneses," or "post my obligatory Easter pic" or "make sure we all wear matching pastel outfits." Or even look left or right to compare myself to anyone else. I honestly don't even think I noticed if anyone else had matching pastel outfits on at church today? I don't think the thought of making sure we all matched even crossed my mind. But I guess we kind of did match? So, this year, were we one of the families that "appeared" to be all perfectly matched? Is that a bad thing? Hmmm....

What I DID notice is a whole bunch of darling families at church in the cutest Easter outfits. With their facing beaming with excitement. I noticed some cute kids, families in their regular church clothes but those beaming faces! I noticed some beautiful parents slaving away to keep their children alive and happy. Some in pastels and others in black. And can I even remember who wore what? But the thought of comparing, or drawing conclusions about me, my family and other families honestly didn't even make it into my mind. And to be honest, I would like to venture to think that it probably didn't enter most other people's minds either!

I guess the point I am coming to here, is most people are doing what they feel is the most abundant choice. Some Easters, the most abundant choice for our family was to put our regular church clothes on, put a smile on our faces and get our little tushies to church to worship our Savior. Some years, we were able to wear brand new Easter clothes to church! But we got our little tushies to church to worship our Savior. Other years, we were at home, sick, in pajamas watching movies all day long on Easter Sunday. And the clothes stuff? And matching? Or not? Is it even worth a thought? Is it even a topic that deserves a moment of our energy or time?

I feel FREE!!! Cause guess what!?!? I LOVE seeing all of my friends and families post their DARLING family pics on Easter! And I LOVE to share my photos too! Matching? Non-matching? Black? Maroon? Pastel? GREEEEAT! WHO GIVES A flying RAT'S A! The faces! The grinning! The love, the JOY! The families, of all shapes and sizes.. THAT is what I love to see. THAT is what fills my heart. And the thought of "setting myself apart" or even NOTICING if we matched, they matched or didn't is like, HUH?!

And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by YOU. I know that most of you if not all of you are JUST LIKE ME. WE DO NOT CARE! Is it fun to get a new outfit at Easter? Or a new tie? Of course! But does it define the kind of Mom I am? Or define what kind of family we are?! UUUUUUUUH HELLO!!! Of course NOT.

It feels so wonderful to just be. To accept what is. The season. To LOVE what is. To know that true happiness doesn't come from stuff. But sometimes, stuff is FUN! And that's okay. BUT it doesn't define me, you, or anyone. What really matters is pleasing HIM.

I used to spend my LIFE trying tirelessly to please EVERYONE. To feel like I was "approved" by everyone. HOLY DRAINING. I feel such a stark contrast with that now. I know now, I am most certainly NOT pleasing everyone. I know there are probably more people who disapprove of me than ever before. BUT it feels wonderful to me! It's okay! I do my very best. And I don't always measure up to others' expectations, and I am okay with that. AHHH.. My heart is fuller than it's ever been. I am not always perfect at this. Not gonna pretend to be. But my heart's desire is to please ONE. Him. To make SURE I am in alignment with His plan. His desires for me. For us. Because HE is the ONLY one who can fill me ALL. THE. WAY. UP. His approval fills me to overflowing. And HIS way is ALWAYS the best way.

The Pendulum

I'm alive! It feels so good to look at/remember that I have a blog that I love! And have I mentioned before how much I LOVE to write!? Oh, I love it and miss it. And have been inspired many times to KEEP writing. So I must. I have NOT been creating time to write lately and I desperately miss it. I am creating another shift and exercising my "Christ-centered Peace" muscle and overcoming my "perfectionism" inclination. My tendency is to avoid blogging unless I have three hours of un-interrupted peace to sit and write in peace. BAAHAHAHA... Have you noticed how regularly I have been blogging lately? Yeah, so it's gonna be short, imperfect, real, but SOMETHING, RIGHT?! 

I had baby Lucy on May 3, 2013. She is SUCH a dolly dolly! I am SOOO in love with her! We all are. I feel abundantly blessed every day to have a gorgeous, sweet little daughter in my world. So blessed. Joy that is FAR BEYOND description...

With her pregnancy, came some very difficult trials for me, if I'm being real and honest, and I am.

I was SO sick. Like I never could comprehend how sick I could be-in lots of ways. I was physically, car sick for about four months. Every day and night. It didn't let up at all. Which was so exhausting. I was extremely fatigued. I have never experienced that kind of exhaustion. Mentally I was a crazy person. Oh nelly. I was depressed, no doubt. I felt post-partum depression/anxiety while pregnant...Huh?? I was not seeing reality--I felt a severe hormonal imbalance that 

rocked. my. world. 

I remember actually experiencing feelings/thoughts/emotions that I NEVER felt before. Like..."I must escape this pain. SOMEHOW." And "What is the point of this agony? Of life?" I remember specifically visiting the temple with great hopes to receive revelation/comfort regarding the thought I struggled with the most--"Heavenly Father asks that I multiply and replenish the earth. And that's exactly what I am striving to do. So, why is this absolutely killing me? Where are the blessings? Grace? Where is the end? Relief? Why does this have to be SO hard? If I am striving to do what Heavenly Father asks, WHY am I SO unhappy?" {I am getting very real right now. I am a happy, grateful person, but this was honestly the anguished pleadings of my pregnant/hormonal soul.}

The responsibilities I had were overwhelming. 

We were building a home. YAY! And along with that, there was SO much to do! And even more to pay for! Eeeeeek. We were completing project "get completely out of debt and get our finances in perfect order so we can pass a financial rectal exam-pending." I had two young, energetic boys that I ADORE and felt a great desire/stewardship to nurture, love, teach. I was dealing with very challenging ADHD/defiant behaviors from my oldest son. I had the wife/homemaker responsibilities that had to be addressed on a DAILY basis. {Can't the laundry just stay in mountains?!?} And there was a few months of a very intense marital struggle that was very difficult for me. James' work situation was such that he was under intense pressure to perform--OR ELSE. {With a baby on the way and our home being built. Ah. yikes}

I was still doing a crazy long hair day once {let's be honest--more than once} a week that was about 13-14 hours a day. And keeping my clients cared for and taken care of was of chief importance to me. 

The bottom line of this whole pity story of mine is this:

I simply HAD to be in a "good place" in order to meet my responsibilities and I didn't feel up to the task.

Like, NOT AT ALL.

Then, there was the guilt for not feeling good. 

OH MY GOSH. 

I think all the mamas out there can relate!

I was not in a good place and it was killing me. 

Drowning. Fast and hard.

So, December 2012 I was at the height of this hellish feeling and I went to the Savior of the World with my Jamous. I had been "wrestling before God" with this for several months and didn't feel like I was breaking through anything--no lightbulbs. No epiphanies. It was and continued to be a dark place.

BUT 

I was still seeking for the light, and I knew that if I continued to wrestle, Heavenly Father would come through. And I knew that.

As we were stretching during the intermission, it came. 

I remember so vividly.

I was wearing my coral maternity blouse with a little gold buckle at the collar bone.

I was stretching my back {my sciatic nerve pinched like CRAZY during my pregnancy}

And looking down on the crowd from the balcony.

Completely unforeseen tears streamed down my face and I felt that heavenly hug, Divine understanding, make sense of my madness. I got the download I had been aching for, the purpose was clear to me where I felt like I had been wearing REALLY dirty goggles. My pain was all I could see. But at this moment, I felt a paradigm shift and I felt so much love from my Heavenly Daddy. 

And here is the download that changed everything.

The pendulum swings BOTH ways. 

There MUST needs be opposition in ALL things.

We MUST know the bitter to truly appreciate the sweet.

To the degree that the pain reaches, is exactly the degree that the joy reaches when the pendulum swings the opposite way. 

The fact that I was experiencing SUCH anguish meant that there was INTENSE joy coming my way. The place was being carved out to be CAPABLE of truly experiencing that kind of JOY. Had I not been in such turmoil, I would not have been capable of feeling the deep and indescribable joy I was headed for. Does that make sense? I'll tell you---it did NOT make sense to me until that moment. Until Heavenly Father touched my mind and my heart like only He can, I was out of alignment, and could not make sense of it all. But once He graced me with just another little taste of His knowledge, it all aligned, my mind and heart got clear and immediately I shifted.

So, instantly instead of feeling picked on, confused, frustrated at the discomfort I was experiencing, I was able to see the loving hand of God!

He was blessing me with the ABILITY to receive and transcend the pain with exceedingly GREAT JOY to come!!! 

It was ALL a blessing! A gift! 

He allowed the bitterness so that I could be ready, be prepared, be EQUIPPED to feel the same degree of heavenly joy.

For that pendulum to take that SAME momentum it had gained swinging into the valley of death, and when the time was right, when the "fourth watch" had come, the pendulum would soar into joy and happiness that is beyond mortal description.

Once again, I learned how good God is. 

Always.

I was SURE before, that this was just senseless suffering. Like I had been dealt a crappy card. 

Some women just have easy pregnancies, and float through the whole thing.

Surely, I was just afflicted because I was one of the unlucky ones.

But NO.

ALWAYS and forever, there is always Divine wisdom and order.

ALWAYS God loves us, and me.

ALWAYS He wants to bless me. 

ALWAYS He KNOWS my suffering and watches with compassion.

ALWAYS He carries us, me.

ALWAYS there is a unique, carefully orchestrated plan for each and every one of His children.

ALWAYS, each day is numbered and has a purpose.

ALWAYS there is light, if I

KEEP ON SEEKING, asking, knocking. 

Even just a little.

This season wasn't my greatest example of daily scripture study.

My heart was so heavy it seemed overwhelming.

But I did seek a little, and that was enough.

It wasn't as season of complete faithfulness and positive attitude on my part.

But I did keep tiredly striving, and that was enough.

I didn't pour my heart out in prayer on my knees each morning and night for hours at a time.

But my exhausted, desperate pleas for relief  and understanding were enough.

I don't think this can truly be captured with words-the feeling was so big and all-encompassing that I was changed-again.

And I saw again, how this mortal life is a series of epiphanies.

 All spaced out and strung together intermingled with struggles, hardships, heart-wrenching trials that don't seem to make sense.

But always the pendulum swings both ways and brings joy and happiness that can and will always surpass the suffering.

And that is good news.

Grateful. Blessed.

XO

We walked around temple square after the Savior of the World--while it was a blizzard! I have never felt the spirit so strong on Temple Square until this night. A little piece of heaven was gifted to us on that night.

The Switchboard

Here is an excerpt from my journal entry on July 29th, 2012.

"It's now 5:30am. I woke up at 3:30 am with my neck and back killing me! And my contacts in, teeth not brushed-never good. I have had the hardest time getting back to sleep. My mind is just RACING. I feel so overwhelmed. So out of control. I feel like there are SO many good things that I want to do- and some "must dos" that I am missing out on. I'm really struggling with that. It's been a very busy season. I feel guilty for not making the summer a little more relaxed for Jax, but maybe that's just me being ridiculous again. I really just feel like I am always in a hurry! It's driving me crazy! I just need to get over filling my days with SO much. I just love so many things and people, and want so much for my family and my life. I really get to sit down, list my priorities, and actually practice scheduling peace into my life. Something has to go, not sure what, but there is just too much (mostly good) in my days, and on my mind. 

What is my #1 purpose?

What is absolutely, bottom line MOST important?

It's time for a start over, re-do.

I also get to look back over this beautiful summer and notice where I spent a lot of my time. Feel gratitude and validation for the truth. Just get that reassurance that, for the most part, I AM already choosing the BEST things, I just get to calm the inner chatterbox. 

Why are some of the most important things going undone?

How can I make some decisions, then be thrilled with my NOW?

I get to notice the growth that has come, there have been 

miracles--already.

But have I allowed yesterday's miracle to be today's normal?

Oh, please no.

I get to be in gratitude for the miracles I receive, and REMEMBER them.

{Interjection: I am such a list girl. I mean, really?!? Even at 3:30 in the morning, feeling totally stressed, it's time for lists? Crazy girl.}

What I want more of in my life:

*peaceful, study and writing time

*connection with Jax, Cbear, Jamous

*peaceful, in-the-moment playing, reading to my babies

*writing, reflecting, blogging-it truly is therapeutic

*temple time

*scripture, doctrine study

*cooking-relaxed cooking {if that's even possible}

*read and finish A book at a time. Don't start ten and finish none. Parenting/marriage/biographies

*communion with God in prayer

*Walks, runs

*mountains

*teaching my babies fun stuff

*pictures PRINTED out, put in frames around our home

*create peace with finding a babysitter, to facilitate dates happening more

*organizing pictures time

*piano

*work on a monthly value for family

What I want LESS of in my life:

*pressure

*HURRYING

*feeling inadequate

*questioning myself

*beating myself up

*comparing my faults to the "illusion of perfection" in others

*wasted time

*stress about cleaning

*desire to do it all: Gain a better understanding of doing one thing at a time

*worrying about future: enjoy the joys of now while they're here

What I'm doing right:

{This seems a little awkward, but here goes. Straight out of my journal. I'm stretching, right?}

*Teaching my babies to love

*keeping up on their books of cuteness

*striving to cultivate a love for their Savior

*having FHE

*reading Book of Mormon stories to them

*taking lots of pictures

*teaching them to love each other

*working on Jaxon's articles of faith with him

*completely organized the basement, phew

*love doing hair part-time, creating some extra money for our fam

{This feels really really weird. Awkward! But I felt totally inspired to list this. To see some reality amidst the "illusions" in my mind.}

*I know my heart is in the right place

*having so freaking much fun with my babies, laughing our brains out

*Commitment to 100% full tithing!

*started my blog-finally!

*striving to praise Jamous, let little things go, striving to be unconditional for him

*striving to focus on the joy in my life, being satisfied with my now

*striving to be positive with Jax most of the time

*striving to be a supportive sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, etc."

These lists are in no way "complete" or in any particular order. At 3:30 in the morning, my mind exploded onto the pages of my journal, and this is what came out. 

I can see how the aching neck, and back and inability to sleep were Divinely perfect. In the middle of the night was the only "peaceful" time where my heart was open and still. This was a wrestle before God for me, no doubt. 

Because after this "mental vomiting, cleanse" I had a very direct, and precise download of clarity.

One of the most undeniable answers to prayer I have ever received.

Here's the answer:

{Quoting from my journal again}

"I get to decide what I am okay with being

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

at.

{spectrum of "how I'm doing" in every aspect of life.}

In every role of life, and every desire I have, decide where I stand.

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

Realize I CANNOT, in this life, be excellent at everything all the time.

Especially for an ADD, perfectionist girl. With a million wonderful thoughts, {visualized being done so flawlessly} flooding my brain incessantly. 

It's almost like creating a report card for myself, with all the different roles, desires I have.

And DECIDE where I can be okay, good, neutral and it's actually healthy to be that way in-

and where my priorities and my PURPOSE require me to be better, best and excellent!

And here's the key

AND BE AT PEACE WITH IT.

Some days, and weeks call for more from a certain area. 

Like a dial, or adjusters on a sound equalizer-switchboard.

That looks kinda like this-

or this

Moment to moment, my priorities/the correct balance will change. So, my roles will fluctuate-somewhat.

There are always constants, but some roles will move on and off the switchboard and the 

level of intensity of some will fluctuate, for each role and desire.

THAT is just the way this mortal life was designed. I can't possibly achieve perfect balance, in this life, that doesn't change. It will change constantly. 

And when one area, role isn't at full blast, 

IT'S OKAY!

I get to take a look at what IS at full blast, at the moment, and realize it's perfect.

Divinely perfect.

As long as I am staying in tune with the Spirit, and He is guiding where I set each switch for the moment, I can be at peace with how I am spending my moments. 

Ah!

Relief!

Bottom Line:

Once I've prayed, planned, and prepared, I can live completely in the moment, and know for certain, that I AM on God's errand, and He is happy with me. Which, in turn, means I feel 

peace

and 

enJOY each and every moment.

Recognizing that seasons change, and God sees the whole picture. 

Have faith, and BE still in this.

Love,

Deet Dee"

That was the end of my brilliant light bulb moment that came in the middle of the night. 

Taken right from my journal.

This "download" has completely changed my life. 

Since this revelation, I have had MUCH more of the 

"I want more of this in my life" list in my days,

and MUCH less 

guilt. 

Honestly, I feel I have been blessed to have that "5-letter-word" diminished to almost nothing, in my heart.

Where God is, guilt isn't. 

{The "mommy" guilt, I'm referring to.}

And as I am seeking to bring God into my heart, my life, my switchboard-the guilt is gone!

And leaves 

peace 

in its place.

xo

Chapter 2-Brad Wilcox: Juggling Before God

What's really interesting to me, is that at Education Week, just a couple weeks later, I had a Divine reinforcement of this exact concept. 

And, seriously?!

I have been reading books, listening to talks, writing in my journal, 

searching

for an answer to this "age-old" question, of how to create balance 

{and ultimately have peace amidst a chaotic, good stuff-filled life}

for YEARS!!!

I've tried SO many things to achieve this balance, but always felt the anxiety that I still wasn't measuring up.

Because "achieving balance" is not something that is set up, organized, created, 

or 

checked off.

So, I searched, and searched and desperately sought out the answer.

You just read about the very intimate, Heavenly Father to Christy Cook Jex answer that I received. 

The answer.

The one that works, over and over again. The answer from the one and only true source of truth.

That doesn't change, from beginning to end, it's the same.

Oh, how grateful I am for the answer I received!!! 

I feel 100 pounds lighter!

AND THEN

 at Education Week, listening to one of the most sockety men I have ever known,

Brad Wilcox,

I had a Divine reinforcement of this concept.

Oh, my heart! So grateful.

Spoken so eloquently, and from so much experience and Christ-centered service that seemed impossible to balance, 

Brad Wilcox beautifully portrayed his "download" on this same idea. Receiving this revelation, having the same concept completely gifted to me, by someone who I adore- in a way that melted my heart!?! God is good. How grateful I am for His very personal love and concern for this little crazy girl. Watch for similarities in his "download" and mine. It's clear that the source of the epiphanies was the same. 

He calls it "Learning to Juggle Our Many Responsibilities."

He told a story about a man who juggled for God. The book is called "The Clown of God."

It's a beautiful story. So perfectly portrays the essence of this concept.

Here are some of the ideas he shared that reinforced, so perfectly, my "switchboard" epiphany.

"There is a scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that talks about how we will not be tempted beyond what we can handle. But, sometimes, it is taken out of context. So the meaning sounds like, "we will not be given more than we can handle."

He quoted a man named Chris Belcher {who went blind from cancer} who said, "We ARE given more than we can handle-the Savior makes up the difference."

He also went on to say,

"Simplify! We already have. What do we cut out, vacations? Church? Exercise? Eating healthy? Okay. 

Prioritize! 1. Family 2. Church 3. Work-sounds really nice, but the realities are different. Is it even possible to balance?

Elder Holland said once, {paraphrased} 

"What must come first and foremost, is our personal relationship with God."

Then Bro. Wilcox said, 

"When I do this, the Holy Ghost always tells me what comes second, and third. And it changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. I'm avoiding the crisis by allowing God to manage my moments. It's the only way I can live this multi-faceted life, being pulled on every side- IN PEACE.

How does Christ know who to pass over, and who needs a miracle? The Spirit will give you a little tug here, or there, who needs a little more. These tugs make the "good tasks" I'm doing "better." 

Also, I can live with integrity, and peace amidst the multi-tasking, knowing that I am in alignment."

One thing he said that I LOVED, 

"Juggling doesn't allow me to be everything to everyone everywhere, but it allows me to be something, somewhere, to someone."

Bro Wilcox talked about a time when he felt overwhelmed with his many responsibilities. He asked his wife, "When is it just going to even out?"

She {a nurse} said, "When you're hooked up to a heart monitor, you don't want a straight line. The ups and downs mean you're alive! And that you're participating, not just existing."

Another thing he said, that I could paste on my mirror,

Remember, "I am juggling for God!

The ball size, number of balls are different for everyone. But our purpose must be the same. Christ died so I can live, learn, juggle. As we do, we learn to be more like the master juggler of the whole universe. Our efforts to juggle are worth it." 

These two experiences have changed me forever. I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to receive personal revelation from God. The trick is REMEMBERing to seek it. 

But I am so grateful that He is always here, ready and willing to teach me, comfort me, and fill me with His peace.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles, Begins With a Single Step: A Single Step

This beautiful quote, "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step," is by Lao-tzu. Had to give the credit where it's deserved. 

Well, today was the first day of school. YEAH! And boo, at the same time. 

As much as I am convinced that I am SO ready for school to start, and ready for a change of pace, 

I still get a sting in my eyes and a lump in my throat once I watch that little brown eyed boy bound into the school for the first time.

Time goes SO fast. 

I remember, as a kid, thinking a month was SUCH a long time. And a year, was never-ending.

Well, those days are long over. 

My baby boy just turned 2!

And my other baby just started 2nd grade!

How did this happen?

I'm still in 2nd grade? How is it possible for a 2nd grader to have a 2nd grader?

It's a mystery.

It's an emphatic reminder that I MUST slow down, play more, snuggle more, talk more, LISTEN (about some one's future plans, that involve building a factory where droids do all his work, HE is in charge!

and he creates real light sabers, compasses, Santa's sleighs and much, much MORE-in one long, run-on sentence with no breath in between)

more.

I love my babies, 

like more than I can even express. 

I FREAKING LOVE MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They drive me absolutely inSANE at times. But then, the next moment, they melt my heart 

with something hilarious or sweet, and I'm smitten. All over again. 

OOOOOH how I love my babies.

I want more, lots more. 

Okay, so the last couple months, I officially began a journey from perfection to peace.

On a drive home from Zion's National Park, where we hiked Angel's Landing,

and the Narrows, I had an "aha!" moment.

We had such a blissful time on this trip. I mean heavenly.

For me, I LOVE to hike, run, walk, strengthen this healthy body I've been blessed with.

And, even more, I ADORE nature, God's creations, this beautiful earth.

Because it always involves feeling an abundance of God's love-and feeling the Spirit, the whole time.

I LOVE it. 

I also LOVE my babies 

(meaning: my actual babies, but also the people I love most in this world. My sweet Jamous, #1, my parents, family, siblings, and I have a few babies that are my framily-friends I choose for family.)

However, when all three are combined-

Well, that is my definition of HEAVEN.

Literal heaven.

So, we experienced this at Zion's, and it calmed my soul,

I could breath deeper, I felt at peace from the core of my being.

It was almost as if my "vibration" was deeper, slower, more at peace, and sensitive to 

eternal perspective.

So, then, as we were just driving into Utah County, where we live, I felt this very sudden surge of anxiety come over me.

I started panicking. My body felt tense, tight, achy.

My heart started pounding, my breathing began to race,

FEAR overcame my being.

What?

How is this possible?

After such an exquisite experience, how is this feeling so suddenly overtaking my soul?

It was a moment where I fell right into a "sweet spot." 

Remember me explaining this?

Well, I felt a shift. I wanted to get to the bottom of why this was coming on.

I love my life! I am so blessed!

So, why when I was re-entering my life, was there such a flood of anxiety threatening my very peace of mind?

The quality of my life. 

"I don't want to live this way, Hunny."

I said to my sweet Jamous.

I felt an intense desire, like never before, to get feedback, from my Jamous, the one who knows me best, watches my antics, why I was feeling this?

How am I creating this?

I asked him to give me some honest, un-filtered ideas as to why this was coming on.

He was hesitant, at first. It turns out I have had my days of 

"thinking I have it all figured out." 

Not very open to my sweetie's suggestions. Not willing to see things from a different paradigm.

So, after a second, and third re-assurance that I truly wanted his feedback, he finally gave me some.

"Hunny, you're too damn hard on yourself. You just expect WAY too much of yourself. You want to be 

perfect at everything. You want to be the perfect Mom, wife, sister, daughter, grand daughter, friend, ward sister, compassionate service leader, hairstylist, housekeeper, you expect to be perfect at your eating and exercise. You want to please everyone, and do everything all the time. You are running WAY faster than is wise, and you have strength. You beat yourself up all the time. It's bad."

He went on and on.

And while I've always known I was a perfectionist. I didn't, until that moment, realize the UGLY side of  it.

I kinda thought it just meant that I like to do things 100%-perfect. "How can that be bad?" I thought.

I just wanted to reach my full potential. And I realize I have been given MUCH, and have lots of passions,

and roles that I want to pursue. Like, eat up for dinner, dig into. 

But, at that moment, I was "downloaded" with the reality of the way I was choosing to engage, think,

expect of myself, BEAT UP ON MYSELF, etc.

And I was also "downloaded" with how hurtful this is to me. To Christy, my spirit. That I was missing so much of the peace and joy my life 

has to offer, because of my obsessive thoughts, my out of control desire to 

PLEASE FREAKING EVERYONE!!!

Oh my gosh! How sick I am of thinking I have to be perfect!! 

And put my peace, and joy on the sacrificial alter

 in the name of "pleasing people." 

Who, as it turns out, aren't the ones I can blame. It's MY expectations, my ridiculous ideas of achieving perfection in this life. Actually fantasizing about how amazing it would be to wake up one morning,

on top of it ALL! 

What the hell?!?!?

As if that's even possible??

Oooooh, how disgusted I am with the thought that I have been deceived.

It's one of my biggest and ugliest weaknesses.
Satan has had some success with me on this one. Or used to, at least.

He probably can't get me to commit some huge, heinous sin, on a daily basis.

 But he can absolutely get me to run this number, beat myself up, believe the lies, be prisoner to my 

obsessive, perfection thoughts. 

Because this one looks beautiful. It seems 

SEEMS beautiful. 

Lots of goals, wanting to be good, serve others, improve.

And when I buy into this bull shiz, here's what it looks like to my family, my babies, and all those around me.

I am RUSHING, hurrying, all the time. My house is either perfect or a wreck, my heart is heavy. I'm not really ever anywhere. Because I'm always multi-tasking to attempt to attain the un-attainable, "being on top of it ALL!" I'm uptight, easily irritated. Less patient, less joyful. More worry, anxious, doubtful, fearful.

I pick at my Jamous. I am so much more aware of all of his weaknesses, because my job is to perfect him too, right? I read anything BUT the word of God. I'm searching for a secular answer to alleviate this feeling. 

I'm stuck in the all or nothing/black or white mentality. So, I'm either SUPER fit, or SUPER itchy (eating emotionally, not working out unless it's perfect, not eating healthy unless it's perfect.)

Staying up way too late, cleaning, stressing, worrying, playing back the day, giving myself a beating for everything I "think" wasn't perfect.

Just for a moment, looking over this horrible space, I create for myself, 

isn't this precisely where Satan wants me?

I don't reach out when I'm in this space, I don't feel worthy to pray, 

so I don't. 

I don't share the love I have with those around me, I'm too consumed with my imperfect state. 

This one has been  a life-long struggle for me.

It's been a roller-coaster, and definitely hasn't defined my life. 

There are times and seasons where I feel it almost overtake me, 

then other seasons where I feel it conquered. 

But, at that moment, in the car, I was acutely aware of the contrast.

I experienced such joy, happiness, contentment, peace of mind, my heart was soaring.

And then, 

BAM!

I felt "the cave" come on so strong.

It was a tender mercy. A sweet spot.

I was gifted with this experience, so I could SEE and FEEL and KNOW

the stark contrast of these two "spaces" and CHOOSE which one I wanted to adopt permanently-

As my way of BEing, my way of life.

To pass on to my beautiful children. 

I have a CHOICE.

So, thus began 

 My Journey From Perfection to Peace.

And from that moment, June 10th, 2012, I was on a mission.

To study, learn, come to KNOW the beast I was facing, (perfectionism)

so I could BEAT IT!

Which, now I know, is a blessing. Struggling with this beast is hard. It requires an awareness of my thoughts, 

my expectations, humility, total and complete TRUST in my Savior, and a commitment to change. 

And this is hard, for a girl like me, to do. 

But, I can literally see how I was given this, and other "beasts" as a catalyst to get me 

closer to Christ and my Heavenly Father. 

Who I love beyond anything I could ever express with words.
This beasts compels me to 

rely

on His Divine, enabling power, His atonement, His mercy, His love. 

Because, I've tried wrestling this beast without their power, 

and it doesn't work.

Sweet Spot.

As I infiltrate this struggle with the 

power, mercy, and love

of the atonement, I can do it! We can do it!

I would be a liar if I didn't testify, that I have literally felt the REALITY of the 

enabling power

 of the atonement.

I have attained "that feeling" of "being on top of it all."

Because I know that where I fall short, my beautiful Savior takes what I've done, and 

super charges all my efforts. And then, He, so lovingly, turns to me, and fills me with His peace.

Oh, how I love His peace. It's my addiction. {tears}

I KNOW this is true. 

And my heart is changed. Converted. From a struggling, imperfect girl-

to a Divine, spirit daughter of God 

on a mortal journey to learn.

All is Well.

xo