A Tender Day

Today was a beautifully, normal day.

I felt especially tender, today. I cried, and sniffed the tears back most of the day. 

But, they were Happy. Humble. Grateful. "Not having room enough to receive it" tears.

I went to a Humanitarian Service meeting at the Stake Center this morning.

The Spirit touched my heart, and it changed me.

They explained one of the projects they were doing, that involved giving dresses to children in Kenya.

At one point, they showed a video of some highlights of this project. One of the highlights was a group of Africans standing up, clapping, dancing, and singing a song.

{They kinda looked like this}

Here it is:

"I am happy today, so happy.

In Jesus name I am happy.

Because he has taken away, my sins away. I am happy so happy today.

Hallelujah!

{tapping watch}

The time to be happy is now, is NOW.

{point down}

And the place to be happy is here, is HERE.

{holds hands with neighbors & swings}

And the way to be happy is to make someone happy and to have a little heaven down here.

Hallelujah!

The time to be happy is now, is NOW.

The place to be happy is here, is HERE.

And the way to be happy is to make someone happy and to have a little heaven down here.

{jump!}

Are you kidding me? These people have so much to complain about, SO much. And yet here they are, sincerely singing from the bottom of their hearts, with grins on their faces, this song of praise to their Savior, of gratitude, and being outward focused, and living in the moment with joy!!?!?!?!? 

Humbled. Grateful. Compassion, and then, the tears.

I am getting my hands on a copy of that video.

Then, after I came home, I had the opportunity to explain the experience to Jaxon, 

and show him some videos of Humanitarian work of the church. And some photos. 

My tender-hearted little guy was glued to every word, and every image. 

After I tucked him into bed tonight, he heard me in the hall, and from his bed he asked, "Mom? Why do those kids with their bones showing not have any food? Oh, I just hate it. Poor guys."

{Pardon the horribly sad photo, it must be remembered with today's experiences}

A moment I shall not forget.


Another powerful, yet totally random

Bathtub epiphany:

Lately, we have re-committed to pay a 100% full, honest tithing. To be quite honest, this is a commandment I haven't been extremely diligent at. For the first few years of our marriage, finances were a source of chaos- enough said. But, we have been blessed, the last couple years, and I have felt strongly, it IS time to commit to this. So we have committed. Sounds easy enough. BUT it has been hard! Getting into this habit takes a LOT of self discipline, planning, etc. BUT James and I have both felt we desperately want to experience the blessings promised to full tithe payers. So, naturally, the last couple of days, I have felt those doubts creeping in, as they always do. Daunting thoughts of other things that "need" to be purchased, instead of being integrity on our commitment and covenant. So, what I have decided to do, is immerse myself in conference talks, the scriptures, beautiful music, Mormon messages, anything to invite the Spirit into my home, and heart to solidify the commitment and obliterate the fear, and doubt--whenever I feel the darkness creeping in. 

It turns out, it WORKS!

Sure enough, when I pray for inspiration, then prepare my heart 

{aka shut up the incessant mental, chatter box}

Heavenly Father answers with precision. 

And here is my answer: 

{the best I can do with words, one of those "hard-to-capture-with-words" things}

As a mortal, I have many distractions, good and bad, that can keep my mind humming and 

my heart "in" the world. 

Heavenly Father wants, deeply, for me to come to Him.

And He also wants, desperately, to bless me.

BUT, He CANNOT bless me, or be with me

unless

I come TO Him, and 

qualify

 for the blessings. So, there is this place.

I call it {for now} 

The sweet spot.

This place, at first, may not seem sweet. In fact, for a mortal girl, it can be very uncomfortable, and can turn

dark, and lonely and hideous. 

This space is where the doubt creeps in, when the fear rears its ugly head, and the devil, himself,

runs his number. This number is very specific, and, I believe, each of us has a "number" the devil knows 

he can use to GET us.

Just a couple of examples of Christy's number...

Self-beating, guilt, comparing, imaginary stories, excuses, rationalizing, judgment,

HURRYING, picking apart my body, focusing on my "imperfections," feeling inadequate,

obsessing over my weaknesses, overscheduling, obsessing about my house, maintaining an inward focus, worry, WORRY, worry, 

fault-finding in my favorite sweeties, PERFECTIONist thinking, all or nothing-ness, anal-izing,

to name a few.

This space is ugly.

No fun, it's dark, depressing, and my light is dimmed, 

arrows go inward,

And he GOT me.

So, why do I call it the sweet spot?

Today, I got that answer.

A paradigm shift. 

It's this moment, the one where I feel all, or one of these uglies creeping in, that I have a CHOICE.

Once I recognize the pattern, I can CHOOSE to immerse myself in light, until it permeates the ugly, 

OR

I can choose to submit, give up, and allow the ugly to drag me into the cave. Where no growth occurs, and 

the Divine connection is severed, and commitments broken.

{One of my favorite Greg Olsen paintings}

In this moment, there CAN be a real, literal recognition of my "weakness." {Ether 12:27,28}

My mortal state, my total and complete dependence upon my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

There can be a sweet remembrance of my Divine nature, and of my 

literal Father in heaven
who can lift me- out of the cave.

Who KNOWS me, and who has ALL strength, ALL power, and IS the very definition of peace.

& that, is sweet.

And that is also why I am given trials of my faith {today, tithing} 

{insert whatever else is challenging, here} 

It is BECAUSE I get to remember that I am a mortal. 

I do not have knowledge, strength, power, and peace 

without-Divinity.

As soon as I recognize this, and turn to my Father in Heaven, 

and access the infinite, and unconditional power of the atonement,

through my Savior, Jesus Christ--

the sweetness melts my fear, reminds me of what I know- to be true, strengthens me, gives me

the power to put my faith in action, and fills my complete being with 

peace.

Divine peace.

The kind that He created, designed from the beginning, and gifts to His children. 

It comes only,

only

from God.

Sweet, so sweet. 

No words can explain, 

and I am so grateful.

xo