Comparison Oblivion is the Giver of JOY

Interesting. I just finished reading a post. All about how this woman walked into church with her family all mismatched, not dressed in anything special for Easter Sunday. And how they aren't the "perfectly matched plaid" family in pastels on Easter Sunday. And how she looked at all the families walking in in their perfectly styled outfits matching head to toe. With accessories, purses, etc to finish off the perfect look. And she says how at one point she would have compared herself and felt so inadequate, and beat herself up because of the stark contrast between how her family is dressed and the seemingly perfect family.... She also said how she has come to realize how much more she appreciates having good health, and living her life. She doesn't worry about those insignificant details anymore.

All of this struck me in such an interesting way. Because I feel like I have been on both sides of this story. And comparison. I know I have been that Momma who was GIDDY to put together beautiful, new, spring outfits for my precious babies to wear on Easter Sunday. And how seeing them all together, on Easter Sunday, in a photo about made my heart burst all over the place. And how those are the moments that I always dreamt of as a Momma. Enjoying the moment, reveling in the spirit of the day. And feeling totally blessed beyond measere, and at peace with it all.

And then, I remembered how last year on Easter, we weren't even at church. We were home sick. Because we COULD NOT catch a break with the winter sickness. And we didn't even think about getting new Easter clothes. And how I felt sad that we missed church, and taking part in all the fun activities and the beautiful spirit that we enjoy on Easter Sunday, but how I felt at peace with it all. My insides felt still, calm, okay with "missing out" on Easter. Because I understood that the MOST important components were in place. And the rest doesn't create happiness, it's just extra stuff. That is just for fun.

And then, I remembered a time when I actually used to abhor the thought of posting an obligatory Easter picture of all of my kids in their new outfits, smiling so perfectly and looking so perfectly put together, because I didn't want to be
"one of those Utah Mormon mommies." NOT because I didn't LOVE the picture, and wanted to share it with the people I love, but I didn't want to be lumped into some group. I didn't want to "appear" to be following the pack and doing what I did out of a "wanting to fit in" motive. Because I DIDN'T want to blend in. AT ALL. And how I actually used to GO OUT of my way to set myself apart from "the norm" because I REALLY didn't want to just follow the pack. BE just like everyone else. Just another cheesy, Utah mom. But, it's interesting how in the attempt to be "authentic" and be ME, I actually wasn't. I was actually denying myself of that gift. To just be me. Now, I can see just how very judgmental and immature this thought train was. Bless. My. Heart.

And then I realized. I do not feel like I need to "keep up with the joneses," or "post my obligatory Easter pic" or "make sure we all wear matching pastel outfits." Or even look left or right to compare myself to anyone else. I honestly don't even think I noticed if anyone else had matching pastel outfits on at church today? I don't think the thought of making sure we all matched even crossed my mind. But I guess we kind of did match? So, this year, were we one of the families that "appeared" to be all perfectly matched? Is that a bad thing? Hmmm....

What I DID notice is a whole bunch of darling families at church in the cutest Easter outfits. With their facing beaming with excitement. I noticed some cute kids, families in their regular church clothes but those beaming faces! I noticed some beautiful parents slaving away to keep their children alive and happy. Some in pastels and others in black. And can I even remember who wore what? But the thought of comparing, or drawing conclusions about me, my family and other families honestly didn't even make it into my mind. And to be honest, I would like to venture to think that it probably didn't enter most other people's minds either!

I guess the point I am coming to here, is most people are doing what they feel is the most abundant choice. Some Easters, the most abundant choice for our family was to put our regular church clothes on, put a smile on our faces and get our little tushies to church to worship our Savior. Some years, we were able to wear brand new Easter clothes to church! But we got our little tushies to church to worship our Savior. Other years, we were at home, sick, in pajamas watching movies all day long on Easter Sunday. And the clothes stuff? And matching? Or not? Is it even worth a thought? Is it even a topic that deserves a moment of our energy or time?

I feel FREE!!! Cause guess what!?!? I LOVE seeing all of my friends and families post their DARLING family pics on Easter! And I LOVE to share my photos too! Matching? Non-matching? Black? Maroon? Pastel? GREEEEAT! WHO GIVES A flying RAT'S A! The faces! The grinning! The love, the JOY! The families, of all shapes and sizes.. THAT is what I love to see. THAT is what fills my heart. And the thought of "setting myself apart" or even NOTICING if we matched, they matched or didn't is like, HUH?!

And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by YOU. I know that most of you if not all of you are JUST LIKE ME. WE DO NOT CARE! Is it fun to get a new outfit at Easter? Or a new tie? Of course! But does it define the kind of Mom I am? Or define what kind of family we are?! UUUUUUUUH HELLO!!! Of course NOT.

It feels so wonderful to just be. To accept what is. The season. To LOVE what is. To know that true happiness doesn't come from stuff. But sometimes, stuff is FUN! And that's okay. BUT it doesn't define me, you, or anyone. What really matters is pleasing HIM.

I used to spend my LIFE trying tirelessly to please EVERYONE. To feel like I was "approved" by everyone. HOLY DRAINING. I feel such a stark contrast with that now. I know now, I am most certainly NOT pleasing everyone. I know there are probably more people who disapprove of me than ever before. BUT it feels wonderful to me! It's okay! I do my very best. And I don't always measure up to others' expectations, and I am okay with that. AHHH.. My heart is fuller than it's ever been. I am not always perfect at this. Not gonna pretend to be. But my heart's desire is to please ONE. Him. To make SURE I am in alignment with His plan. His desires for me. For us. Because HE is the ONLY one who can fill me ALL. THE. WAY. UP. His approval fills me to overflowing. And HIS way is ALWAYS the best way.

The Pendulum

I'm alive! It feels so good to look at/remember that I have a blog that I love! And have I mentioned before how much I LOVE to write!? Oh, I love it and miss it. And have been inspired many times to KEEP writing. So I must. I have NOT been creating time to write lately and I desperately miss it. I am creating another shift and exercising my "Christ-centered Peace" muscle and overcoming my "perfectionism" inclination. My tendency is to avoid blogging unless I have three hours of un-interrupted peace to sit and write in peace. BAAHAHAHA... Have you noticed how regularly I have been blogging lately? Yeah, so it's gonna be short, imperfect, real, but SOMETHING, RIGHT?! 

I had baby Lucy on May 3, 2013. She is SUCH a dolly dolly! I am SOOO in love with her! We all are. I feel abundantly blessed every day to have a gorgeous, sweet little daughter in my world. So blessed. Joy that is FAR BEYOND description...

With her pregnancy, came some very difficult trials for me, if I'm being real and honest, and I am.

I was SO sick. Like I never could comprehend how sick I could be-in lots of ways. I was physically, car sick for about four months. Every day and night. It didn't let up at all. Which was so exhausting. I was extremely fatigued. I have never experienced that kind of exhaustion. Mentally I was a crazy person. Oh nelly. I was depressed, no doubt. I felt post-partum depression/anxiety while pregnant...Huh?? I was not seeing reality--I felt a severe hormonal imbalance that 

rocked. my. world. 

I remember actually experiencing feelings/thoughts/emotions that I NEVER felt before. Like..."I must escape this pain. SOMEHOW." And "What is the point of this agony? Of life?" I remember specifically visiting the temple with great hopes to receive revelation/comfort regarding the thought I struggled with the most--"Heavenly Father asks that I multiply and replenish the earth. And that's exactly what I am striving to do. So, why is this absolutely killing me? Where are the blessings? Grace? Where is the end? Relief? Why does this have to be SO hard? If I am striving to do what Heavenly Father asks, WHY am I SO unhappy?" {I am getting very real right now. I am a happy, grateful person, but this was honestly the anguished pleadings of my pregnant/hormonal soul.}

The responsibilities I had were overwhelming. 

We were building a home. YAY! And along with that, there was SO much to do! And even more to pay for! Eeeeeek. We were completing project "get completely out of debt and get our finances in perfect order so we can pass a financial rectal exam-pending." I had two young, energetic boys that I ADORE and felt a great desire/stewardship to nurture, love, teach. I was dealing with very challenging ADHD/defiant behaviors from my oldest son. I had the wife/homemaker responsibilities that had to be addressed on a DAILY basis. {Can't the laundry just stay in mountains?!?} And there was a few months of a very intense marital struggle that was very difficult for me. James' work situation was such that he was under intense pressure to perform--OR ELSE. {With a baby on the way and our home being built. Ah. yikes}

I was still doing a crazy long hair day once {let's be honest--more than once} a week that was about 13-14 hours a day. And keeping my clients cared for and taken care of was of chief importance to me. 

The bottom line of this whole pity story of mine is this:

I simply HAD to be in a "good place" in order to meet my responsibilities and I didn't feel up to the task.

Like, NOT AT ALL.

Then, there was the guilt for not feeling good. 

OH MY GOSH. 

I think all the mamas out there can relate!

I was not in a good place and it was killing me. 

Drowning. Fast and hard.

So, December 2012 I was at the height of this hellish feeling and I went to the Savior of the World with my Jamous. I had been "wrestling before God" with this for several months and didn't feel like I was breaking through anything--no lightbulbs. No epiphanies. It was and continued to be a dark place.

BUT 

I was still seeking for the light, and I knew that if I continued to wrestle, Heavenly Father would come through. And I knew that.

As we were stretching during the intermission, it came. 

I remember so vividly.

I was wearing my coral maternity blouse with a little gold buckle at the collar bone.

I was stretching my back {my sciatic nerve pinched like CRAZY during my pregnancy}

And looking down on the crowd from the balcony.

Completely unforeseen tears streamed down my face and I felt that heavenly hug, Divine understanding, make sense of my madness. I got the download I had been aching for, the purpose was clear to me where I felt like I had been wearing REALLY dirty goggles. My pain was all I could see. But at this moment, I felt a paradigm shift and I felt so much love from my Heavenly Daddy. 

And here is the download that changed everything.

The pendulum swings BOTH ways. 

There MUST needs be opposition in ALL things.

We MUST know the bitter to truly appreciate the sweet.

To the degree that the pain reaches, is exactly the degree that the joy reaches when the pendulum swings the opposite way. 

The fact that I was experiencing SUCH anguish meant that there was INTENSE joy coming my way. The place was being carved out to be CAPABLE of truly experiencing that kind of JOY. Had I not been in such turmoil, I would not have been capable of feeling the deep and indescribable joy I was headed for. Does that make sense? I'll tell you---it did NOT make sense to me until that moment. Until Heavenly Father touched my mind and my heart like only He can, I was out of alignment, and could not make sense of it all. But once He graced me with just another little taste of His knowledge, it all aligned, my mind and heart got clear and immediately I shifted.

So, instantly instead of feeling picked on, confused, frustrated at the discomfort I was experiencing, I was able to see the loving hand of God!

He was blessing me with the ABILITY to receive and transcend the pain with exceedingly GREAT JOY to come!!! 

It was ALL a blessing! A gift! 

He allowed the bitterness so that I could be ready, be prepared, be EQUIPPED to feel the same degree of heavenly joy.

For that pendulum to take that SAME momentum it had gained swinging into the valley of death, and when the time was right, when the "fourth watch" had come, the pendulum would soar into joy and happiness that is beyond mortal description.

Once again, I learned how good God is. 

Always.

I was SURE before, that this was just senseless suffering. Like I had been dealt a crappy card. 

Some women just have easy pregnancies, and float through the whole thing.

Surely, I was just afflicted because I was one of the unlucky ones.

But NO.

ALWAYS and forever, there is always Divine wisdom and order.

ALWAYS God loves us, and me.

ALWAYS He wants to bless me. 

ALWAYS He KNOWS my suffering and watches with compassion.

ALWAYS He carries us, me.

ALWAYS there is a unique, carefully orchestrated plan for each and every one of His children.

ALWAYS, each day is numbered and has a purpose.

ALWAYS there is light, if I

KEEP ON SEEKING, asking, knocking. 

Even just a little.

This season wasn't my greatest example of daily scripture study.

My heart was so heavy it seemed overwhelming.

But I did seek a little, and that was enough.

It wasn't as season of complete faithfulness and positive attitude on my part.

But I did keep tiredly striving, and that was enough.

I didn't pour my heart out in prayer on my knees each morning and night for hours at a time.

But my exhausted, desperate pleas for relief  and understanding were enough.

I don't think this can truly be captured with words-the feeling was so big and all-encompassing that I was changed-again.

And I saw again, how this mortal life is a series of epiphanies.

 All spaced out and strung together intermingled with struggles, hardships, heart-wrenching trials that don't seem to make sense.

But always the pendulum swings both ways and brings joy and happiness that can and will always surpass the suffering.

And that is good news.

Grateful. Blessed.

XO

We walked around temple square after the Savior of the World--while it was a blizzard! I have never felt the spirit so strong on Temple Square until this night. A little piece of heaven was gifted to us on that night.

Yesterday's Miracles

Here is the talk I gave in my church's sacrament meeting last week, before Thanksgiving.

{Learn more about my faith here}

A few years ago, I was in the midst of a few very difficult trials, all at once. (Isn't that how it always happens?) It was a soul-anguishing season, to say the least. One of these trials included my precious Daddy. He had discovered that he had a cancerous tumor in his small intestine. I remember desperately pleading with my Heavenly Father to please just spare my Daddy. I would be on my best behavior forever more, if only my Daddy could be okay. Immediately after finding the tumor, he was scheduled to have surgery where they would remove the tumor, and get a better idea of his prognosis. Needless to say, we felt agonized by this waiting game.
{To read more about this experience, click here}

The day of his surgery, our number one prayer was that the cancer hadn't spread to his lymph nodes-- because if it had, it would be very bad news. We found out, following the surgery, that unfortunately, the cancer had spread. I remember my Mommy, and Daddy and I holding each other on my dad's hospital bed, sobbing, after hearing this heart-breaking news. It couldn't be true! And then, soon after, we learned that it had just spread locally, and it was contained, and was completely removed-- the surgery was a total success! It was truly a miracle! The sequence of events that led to this amazing news, was inspired all along, and we were, undoubtedly the very blessed recipients of a miracle!

I vowed that day, that I would always remember the miracle we had received, and that I would always thank Heavenly Father for it. It turned out, that every one of the difficult trials we faced during this season, turned into absolute miracles, at the hand of God. We were witnesses of many modern-day miracles, and we were graciously blessed. As I pondered the events that surrounded this experience, a very simple truth was revealed to me, that I strive to remember.

{Taken right after his surgery in 2008}

I will never allow yesterday's miracle, 

to become today's normal. 

Once again,

I will never allow yesterday's miracle, to 

become today's normal. 

How appropriate that on this beautiful Sunday before Thanksgiving, we get to share some thoughts on gratitude. I am truly grateful for this opportunity today.

I don't know about you, but when I study the Gospel, I love to get to the roots of doctrine. When referring to the roots of what's important pertaining to gratitude, there is nothing more meaningful, deeply rooted or sacred than the gift of our Savior's atoning sacrifice. It is the foundation for all other blessings we receive. This gift, alone, is cause for rejoicing every day! And this gift, is what brings true joy, happiness, and peace in this life—for this infinite gift, I know each of us is deeply grateful.

Pres. Marion G. Romney said it best.

“We should be thankful and express appreciation for all favors received—and surely we receive many. The chief objects of our gratitude, however, should be, and are, God, our Heavenly Father, and his son Jesus Christ, our Lord and Redeemer. …

“To the Lord Jesus we owe an undying debt of gratitude, for he bought us with a great price. It is impossible for us, weak mortals as we are, to fully comprehend and appreciate the sufferings he endured on the cross that he might gain for us the victory over death.” 

To me, to be grateful and to remember are closely related. My all-time favorite word is the word remember. I love it. It has a sacred place in my heart. To me, it denotes Divinity. It reminds me of keeping all that is sacred, true, and holy in the front of my mind and heart. To “remember” means to live from this space of remembrance, and keep a bright recollection of God's handiwork in my world. To stay united with Christ in all that I do. To always remember, and be grateful for the miracles I receive.

I love what King Benjamin said in Mosiah 4:11,12. You can turn there with me, if you'd like.

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel."

I love this, listen carefully to what “always” happens when we do this...(four things)

“And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.” 

It's interesting to me, that being grateful is a commandment. In D&C 59:7 it says, “Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.” And yet, while we are commanded to give thanks, we reap such huge benefits for obeying.

Who in the Saratoga Springs 7th ward, wouldn't want to ALWAYS rejoice? Or ALWAYS be filled with God's love? That might come in handy?! With Kids? Or ALWAYS retain a remission of our sins? Or ALWAYS learn more about our Creator? Or ALWAYS receive more truth from Him? How much sweeter would each of our lives be if we more fully obeyed the commandment to give thanks? Here's a few questions for us to ponder: What healing could take place for you and me, personally, if we can be just a little more grateful? And claim these promises? How can we be blessed, and bless those around us by being more grateful? If something pops into our minds, I challenge all of us to make a note of it, and test this out for ourselves.

Being grateful is a commandment, and carries with it rich promises. So, what about ingratitude?
This poem says it well:

“How Different.”

Some murmur when the sky is clear

And wholly bright to view,

If one small speck of dark appear

In their great heaven of blue:

And some with thankful love are filled,

If but one streak of light,

One ray of God’s good mercy, gild

The darkness of their night.

Elder Eyring said:

“The Prophet Joseph said at one time that one of the greatest sins of which the Latter-day Saints would be guilty is the sin of ingratitude. THE SIN OF INGRATITUDE. I presume most of us have not thought of that as a great sin. There is a great tendency for us in our prayers and in our pleadings with the Lord to ask for additional blessings. But sometimes I feel we need to devote more of our prayers to expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving for blessings already received. We enjoy so much.”

Elder Eyring also said this:

“We so easily forget that we came into life with nothing. Whatever we get soon seems our natural right, not a gift. And we forget the giver. Then our gaze shifts from what we have been given to what we don’t have yet.”

I can't speak for you, but I know that I have absolutely been guilty of the great sin of ingratitude. A couple of years ago, as part of my New Year's theme, I knew it was time to cultivate a more grateful countenance. So, here's what I did. Every time I felt the need to complain about something, I would stop, and find SOMETHING, ANYTHING directly related to the forthcoming complaint and search instead for a blessing.

For example:
If I'm about to complain about the mountains of laundry that I get to keep washing, drying, folding, putting away, and picking up off the floor, instead I stop. How are these mountains a blessing? Well, they keep my angel babies warm, and clothed. And, the clothes, the many many clothes...a blessing? Or a curse? Immediately, the rage melts away, and instead, my heart is full. As I sit there watching James fold them all. Wink wink.

If I am about to complain about the toothpaste splatters on the mirror, instead I thank Heavenly Father for giving me such a kind, incredibly handsome and intelligent sweetheart. The toothpaste splatter means that my husband is alive, he woke up this morning, he is capable of providing for us, and that he values oral hygiene, which I am, indeed :) grateful for ;)

When my strong-willed little off spring is expressing his great dissatisfaction with being in time-out, and his refusal to comply with the “we must wear clothing to school” rule, when I'm about to look to the heavens and ask REEEAAALLY!?! Instead, I thank Heavenly Father for sending me such a valiant, strong soul! And I am grateful for the opportunity to fulfill the role I have always aspired for most, being a Mommy.

This little spin on gratitude has proven to add light to my heart, brought me closer to Christ, and is a stepping stone on my pathway to discipleship. I can testify of the truthfulness of the promises that come from choosing to be grateful.

Another effective way to cultivate a grateful countenance, is to write. President Spencer W. Kimball described the process of inspired writing: “Those who keep a book of remembrance are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives. Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.”

President Eyring adds to this: 

"As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me today?” If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes, you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life."

As poor, young newlyweds, James and I started writing “our little list of miracles.”
Here are a couple examples:

July 6th, 2003--We found the perfect shoes for James for 12.99 at Big 5. YAY! Our brand new box springs from the DI for 10 bucks! Christy broke her tooth, but it doesn't hurt at all! Aka We don't have to spend money to fix it until it hurts. No joke: 7 months later: Christy's tooth broke even more, still NO PAIN! :) June 2004 Found out we are pregnant!! So excited!

These are just a couple of examples, but we have pages and pages of these kinds of miracles throughout our first years together. I can also testify of the reality of writing our little miracles down. For me, it's my way of taking ownership of my own, personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and recognizing His hand in the details of my life.

Here's another question: What miracles have each of us received that have gone unnoticed? Are we missing opportunities to record these blessings that could bless us and our posterity? What miracles have I received that deserve to be written and preserved? I challenge each of us to write these things down, just a little more.

In closing,

Elder Hales said, “Gratitude expressed to our Heavenly Father in prayer for what we have brings a calming peace—a peace which allows us to not canker our souls for what we don’t have. Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. 

President Eyring said, “The remembrance King Benjamin urged upon us can be ours. Remembrance is the seed of gratitude which is the seed of generosity. Gratitude for the remission of sins is the seed of charity, the pure love of Christ.”

I know with all my heart that as each of us remembers Christ's atonement, records our miracles, and chooses gratitude, we will more clearly see the very Hand of God in our every day and experience more joy and peace in this life.

Gold

Picture this...

Lake Powell. Early morning. On the very top, open deck of the Jex's houseboat. Laid back, feet up. Enjoying the vast stillness. The sun is just beginning to rise, and brighten up the sky. The water is nearly still, just a gentle wave carefully rocks the boat in a slow, rhythmic, almost hypnotizing way. The trickling of these gentle waves is the only sound. The towering, red rock surrounding me casts an amber glow into the crisp, morning air. 

Aaaaaaah...It's just me, my journal, and this moment. 

Frequently, I will have what I call a "break-through" or an "a-ha moment," a "light bulb," an epiphany...

Usually, these are preceded by chaos, change, struggle, a wrestle before God in some way. 

However, sometimes I feel transcended, gifted a beautiful Divine download that doesn't 

require such a struggle. 

To me, it seems to be a "heavenly hug." An out-pouring from a loving Heavenly Daddy 

who wants nothing more than to express to His babies how much He adores them.

This day, I was given one of those. 

As I sat there, relishing the peaceful moment, I reflected on how grateful I am.

No, really.

HOW GRATEFUL I AM.

I have known some really difficult, humbling, hideous seasons of life.

Trials.

Just like every one I know has. 

And while these trials truly bring with them growth--spiritual strength that can't be gained otherwise,

at this moment, I was feeling deep, sincere, I-wanna-scream-and-shout

gratitude for ALL my blessings!

And feeling accomplished, kind of feeling like, 

"YAY!!! That one is done!" I AM SO BLESSED!!! 

Also, recognizing the opening of a new chapter, and the closing of this difficult chapter. 

It's like I had reached the top of a towering mountain, and was looking back! And looking down. Seeing the journey as a whole--the rough stretches, blood, sweat, tears, and smooth stretches. Taking it all in, and feeling deeply, sincerely grateful to have been carried through it, and now to see it come to an end. 

Aaaaaah.

And, for this moment, I was able to reflect on this particular season of great heart-ache, and uncertainty that shook me to the core. It seemed to be much more than I could endure--and then,

 I realized the very hand of God in all of it. 

I realized how very literally my Savior carried me, blessed me, transformed me, and transformed my husband. How He allowed there to be a trial of my faith, knowing fully my potential, and knowing fully the blessings that would come as a DIRECT result of this trial. 

That kind of love. Just wow.

And that was the precursor to the light bulb that came next.

I was gifted with a beautiful conclusion to all of this.

A heavenly hug.

A Divine download. 

About gratitude.

Often times, as a mortal, I find myself reaching. 

Wanting... more. Always more. 

"As soon as I get___________THEN things will be awesome and I will be happy."

"Just imagine, once THIS happens, THEN my life will be perfect."

"Won't it be amazing when THIS finally happens?! Can you even imagine how life will be then?!"

I call it the "As soon as" syndrome. 

As soon as (whatever it is I'm wanting) THEN all will be perfect! And THEN I can be happy and feel fulfilled, relaxed, done, peaceful.

The focus is always in the future, somewhere else, a mystical place called, "someday."

It's a place that's out of my reach, and always will be.

That "perfect, peaceful" time when THIS happens, is a lie.

IT'S A LIE.

An illusion.

As a mortal, it's never going to come.

NEVER!!!

It's the day-dreaming of a recovering perfectionist girl who fantasizes about that "one day" when all is well in her world. When THIS THAT and THIS have happened, all is perfectly cleaned, organized, everyone is happy, cooperative and I'm on top of it all!!!!

It's impossible! Right?!

Or is it?

Here's the light bulb:

Gratitude is like digging into the land right under my feet, right where I stand. Right where 

I AM, 

now.

And when I do, I find a beautiful gold mine.

A cavern full of gems, diamonds, treasures beyond anything I could ever reach or long for. 

When I start wanting, feeling weak, in my smallness, comparing, being ungrateful, covetous, underwhelmed with life, 

(or ANY negative emotion)

it serves me to:

Stop moving my feet (and mind)

BE still

...Remember...

dig deep

look up and look around. 

Great treasures lie right where I am right now, they're all around!

But if I'm so busy looking into my tomorrows, day-dreaming about "as soon as" I will miss the cavern filled with treasures RIGHT under my feet.

It serves me to remember the real treasures. To remember where joy and abundance really live. 

{In. the. moment.

IN gratitude.} 

THAT'S where abundance lives. That's where I feel fulfilled, relaxed, done, peaceful.  

It's real magic. 

When I do this, my whole reality is shifted.

I couldn't ask for one more thing. 

There is no tomorrow, because today--this moment, is all I'm promised, and all I want.

When I stop searching for abundance, I find that it lives right where I am. It's not going to come "as soon as...." it lives in me. And I CAN feel THAT peace, when I choose to dig into my abundance cave right where I am.

And, indeed, all IS well.

A Witch Lives Here With Her Little Monsters

Saw that sign at Barnes and Noble and it just fit.

The truth is, as most everyone knows by now, I am pregnant!!!

We couldn't be more thrilled! What a blessing! It's such wonderful news to our little family.

James is elated, Jax can't even stand thinking about it without giggling and saying, "oooh, coot baby!" And Cbear just grins and points to Mommy's belly, "Bee-bee!"

And Christy, well I have wanted more babies for a long time! So, I cannot even handle the excitement. 

We feel very literally blessed--divine abundance.

I've wanted to blog for a while, but with me, I am a "promoter" and a very verbal girl. If I am experiencing something wonderful, you're going to hear about it! If I'm having a BURST, you're going to hear about it, and if I'm having a really cruddy day, you're going to hear about it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't quite so verbal with ALL things, but it's just me. 

Darn it.

So, the idea of blogging about something other than our latest news, or talking about something other than how BLASTED sick I've been, just wasn't going to happen. So until the news went public, my fingers stayed quiet. 

And the truth is, while I am BEYOND ELATED for this little tweetie bird to be safely nested in my baby box, I have been one sick girl. OH my goodness. I don't throw up, but it feels like I'm riding the "Gravitron" 

{You know that one carnival ride that looks like a spaceship, and it spins around and around and around and around??} all day.

Yikes. I literally feel like that ALL day and night. Wow. Pardon me, while I complain for a moment. I warned you, I am incapable of "glossing over" things or faking most things. So, dead seriously, I have felt like a witch! I have hormones flooding my body {that's where the witch part comes in}--not felt like myself at all lately, I feel like I just finished running a marathon when I first wake up in the morning, and also, I'm riding the Gravitron all--day--long! Being prego with my boys, I felt this same kind of sick, but I figured out a way around the constant sickies. Not with this one. Zofran? sick. I eat? I'm sick. I don't eat? I'm sick. Morning? Sick. Afternoon? Sick. Night? Sickest. Okay, you get the idea. Complaining complete.

GRATEFUL GIRL

So, have I mentioned how excited I am to have a tweetie bird nestled safely in my body?! I AM! And I very humbly realize it could be MUCH much worse. So grateful, I AM. 

The whole point of today's post is the recognition of just how quickly one can go from being a girl who's pretty much high on life most days, 

to being a peuky, exhausted witch in less than three months. 

This is me now.

This is real.

Witches, in fact, do exist.

That's it.

I'm being a witch for Halloween.

In fact, why wait for Halloween? I'll start the whole witch thing like a month ago!
I think I might have the cackle down, been practicing my spell casting lately, and pretty sure my pregnant concoctions count as brew. 

And, at this season of my life, while I am SO in love with my sweet babies {always}

looking through the peuky, exhausted, witchy goggles I've been sporting, my sweet babies can sometimes appear as.....well......

 little monsters!

Cute little monsters!

Bless their hearts.

Couldn't have asked for better timing, right?

The countdown is on, in just 4 weeks, 

I'll be back!!!

xo

SO grateful

New Hairs For Us

We dipped Cbear's hair in Kool-Aid.

Jax looks like his Mama at this age, with his new blonde cut

We went with a "Bieber" look for me. 

James wanted a "flowier" look

Cbear in 85 years

What do ya think? Sexy and we know it.

Good laughs are therapy on a "valley day" like today.

Grateful girl.

xo

The Switchboard

Here is an excerpt from my journal entry on July 29th, 2012.

"It's now 5:30am. I woke up at 3:30 am with my neck and back killing me! And my contacts in, teeth not brushed-never good. I have had the hardest time getting back to sleep. My mind is just RACING. I feel so overwhelmed. So out of control. I feel like there are SO many good things that I want to do- and some "must dos" that I am missing out on. I'm really struggling with that. It's been a very busy season. I feel guilty for not making the summer a little more relaxed for Jax, but maybe that's just me being ridiculous again. I really just feel like I am always in a hurry! It's driving me crazy! I just need to get over filling my days with SO much. I just love so many things and people, and want so much for my family and my life. I really get to sit down, list my priorities, and actually practice scheduling peace into my life. Something has to go, not sure what, but there is just too much (mostly good) in my days, and on my mind. 

What is my #1 purpose?

What is absolutely, bottom line MOST important?

It's time for a start over, re-do.

I also get to look back over this beautiful summer and notice where I spent a lot of my time. Feel gratitude and validation for the truth. Just get that reassurance that, for the most part, I AM already choosing the BEST things, I just get to calm the inner chatterbox. 

Why are some of the most important things going undone?

How can I make some decisions, then be thrilled with my NOW?

I get to notice the growth that has come, there have been 

miracles--already.

But have I allowed yesterday's miracle to be today's normal?

Oh, please no.

I get to be in gratitude for the miracles I receive, and REMEMBER them.

{Interjection: I am such a list girl. I mean, really?!? Even at 3:30 in the morning, feeling totally stressed, it's time for lists? Crazy girl.}

What I want more of in my life:

*peaceful, study and writing time

*connection with Jax, Cbear, Jamous

*peaceful, in-the-moment playing, reading to my babies

*writing, reflecting, blogging-it truly is therapeutic

*temple time

*scripture, doctrine study

*cooking-relaxed cooking {if that's even possible}

*read and finish A book at a time. Don't start ten and finish none. Parenting/marriage/biographies

*communion with God in prayer

*Walks, runs

*mountains

*teaching my babies fun stuff

*pictures PRINTED out, put in frames around our home

*create peace with finding a babysitter, to facilitate dates happening more

*organizing pictures time

*piano

*work on a monthly value for family

What I want LESS of in my life:

*pressure

*HURRYING

*feeling inadequate

*questioning myself

*beating myself up

*comparing my faults to the "illusion of perfection" in others

*wasted time

*stress about cleaning

*desire to do it all: Gain a better understanding of doing one thing at a time

*worrying about future: enjoy the joys of now while they're here

What I'm doing right:

{This seems a little awkward, but here goes. Straight out of my journal. I'm stretching, right?}

*Teaching my babies to love

*keeping up on their books of cuteness

*striving to cultivate a love for their Savior

*having FHE

*reading Book of Mormon stories to them

*taking lots of pictures

*teaching them to love each other

*working on Jaxon's articles of faith with him

*completely organized the basement, phew

*love doing hair part-time, creating some extra money for our fam

{This feels really really weird. Awkward! But I felt totally inspired to list this. To see some reality amidst the "illusions" in my mind.}

*I know my heart is in the right place

*having so freaking much fun with my babies, laughing our brains out

*Commitment to 100% full tithing!

*started my blog-finally!

*striving to praise Jamous, let little things go, striving to be unconditional for him

*striving to focus on the joy in my life, being satisfied with my now

*striving to be positive with Jax most of the time

*striving to be a supportive sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, etc."

These lists are in no way "complete" or in any particular order. At 3:30 in the morning, my mind exploded onto the pages of my journal, and this is what came out. 

I can see how the aching neck, and back and inability to sleep were Divinely perfect. In the middle of the night was the only "peaceful" time where my heart was open and still. This was a wrestle before God for me, no doubt. 

Because after this "mental vomiting, cleanse" I had a very direct, and precise download of clarity.

One of the most undeniable answers to prayer I have ever received.

Here's the answer:

{Quoting from my journal again}

"I get to decide what I am okay with being

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

at.

{spectrum of "how I'm doing" in every aspect of life.}

In every role of life, and every desire I have, decide where I stand.

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

Realize I CANNOT, in this life, be excellent at everything all the time.

Especially for an ADD, perfectionist girl. With a million wonderful thoughts, {visualized being done so flawlessly} flooding my brain incessantly. 

It's almost like creating a report card for myself, with all the different roles, desires I have.

And DECIDE where I can be okay, good, neutral and it's actually healthy to be that way in-

and where my priorities and my PURPOSE require me to be better, best and excellent!

And here's the key

AND BE AT PEACE WITH IT.

Some days, and weeks call for more from a certain area. 

Like a dial, or adjusters on a sound equalizer-switchboard.

That looks kinda like this-

or this

Moment to moment, my priorities/the correct balance will change. So, my roles will fluctuate-somewhat.

There are always constants, but some roles will move on and off the switchboard and the 

level of intensity of some will fluctuate, for each role and desire.

THAT is just the way this mortal life was designed. I can't possibly achieve perfect balance, in this life, that doesn't change. It will change constantly. 

And when one area, role isn't at full blast, 

IT'S OKAY!

I get to take a look at what IS at full blast, at the moment, and realize it's perfect.

Divinely perfect.

As long as I am staying in tune with the Spirit, and He is guiding where I set each switch for the moment, I can be at peace with how I am spending my moments. 

Ah!

Relief!

Bottom Line:

Once I've prayed, planned, and prepared, I can live completely in the moment, and know for certain, that I AM on God's errand, and He is happy with me. Which, in turn, means I feel 

peace

and 

enJOY each and every moment.

Recognizing that seasons change, and God sees the whole picture. 

Have faith, and BE still in this.

Love,

Deet Dee"

That was the end of my brilliant light bulb moment that came in the middle of the night. 

Taken right from my journal.

This "download" has completely changed my life. 

Since this revelation, I have had MUCH more of the 

"I want more of this in my life" list in my days,

and MUCH less 

guilt. 

Honestly, I feel I have been blessed to have that "5-letter-word" diminished to almost nothing, in my heart.

Where God is, guilt isn't. 

{The "mommy" guilt, I'm referring to.}

And as I am seeking to bring God into my heart, my life, my switchboard-the guilt is gone!

And leaves 

peace 

in its place.

xo

Chapter 2-Brad Wilcox: Juggling Before God

What's really interesting to me, is that at Education Week, just a couple weeks later, I had a Divine reinforcement of this exact concept. 

And, seriously?!

I have been reading books, listening to talks, writing in my journal, 

searching

for an answer to this "age-old" question, of how to create balance 

{and ultimately have peace amidst a chaotic, good stuff-filled life}

for YEARS!!!

I've tried SO many things to achieve this balance, but always felt the anxiety that I still wasn't measuring up.

Because "achieving balance" is not something that is set up, organized, created, 

or 

checked off.

So, I searched, and searched and desperately sought out the answer.

You just read about the very intimate, Heavenly Father to Christy Cook Jex answer that I received. 

The answer.

The one that works, over and over again. The answer from the one and only true source of truth.

That doesn't change, from beginning to end, it's the same.

Oh, how grateful I am for the answer I received!!! 

I feel 100 pounds lighter!

AND THEN

 at Education Week, listening to one of the most sockety men I have ever known,

Brad Wilcox,

I had a Divine reinforcement of this concept.

Oh, my heart! So grateful.

Spoken so eloquently, and from so much experience and Christ-centered service that seemed impossible to balance, 

Brad Wilcox beautifully portrayed his "download" on this same idea. Receiving this revelation, having the same concept completely gifted to me, by someone who I adore- in a way that melted my heart!?! God is good. How grateful I am for His very personal love and concern for this little crazy girl. Watch for similarities in his "download" and mine. It's clear that the source of the epiphanies was the same. 

He calls it "Learning to Juggle Our Many Responsibilities."

He told a story about a man who juggled for God. The book is called "The Clown of God."

It's a beautiful story. So perfectly portrays the essence of this concept.

Here are some of the ideas he shared that reinforced, so perfectly, my "switchboard" epiphany.

"There is a scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that talks about how we will not be tempted beyond what we can handle. But, sometimes, it is taken out of context. So the meaning sounds like, "we will not be given more than we can handle."

He quoted a man named Chris Belcher {who went blind from cancer} who said, "We ARE given more than we can handle-the Savior makes up the difference."

He also went on to say,

"Simplify! We already have. What do we cut out, vacations? Church? Exercise? Eating healthy? Okay. 

Prioritize! 1. Family 2. Church 3. Work-sounds really nice, but the realities are different. Is it even possible to balance?

Elder Holland said once, {paraphrased} 

"What must come first and foremost, is our personal relationship with God."

Then Bro. Wilcox said, 

"When I do this, the Holy Ghost always tells me what comes second, and third. And it changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. I'm avoiding the crisis by allowing God to manage my moments. It's the only way I can live this multi-faceted life, being pulled on every side- IN PEACE.

How does Christ know who to pass over, and who needs a miracle? The Spirit will give you a little tug here, or there, who needs a little more. These tugs make the "good tasks" I'm doing "better." 

Also, I can live with integrity, and peace amidst the multi-tasking, knowing that I am in alignment."

One thing he said that I LOVED, 

"Juggling doesn't allow me to be everything to everyone everywhere, but it allows me to be something, somewhere, to someone."

Bro Wilcox talked about a time when he felt overwhelmed with his many responsibilities. He asked his wife, "When is it just going to even out?"

She {a nurse} said, "When you're hooked up to a heart monitor, you don't want a straight line. The ups and downs mean you're alive! And that you're participating, not just existing."

Another thing he said, that I could paste on my mirror,

Remember, "I am juggling for God!

The ball size, number of balls are different for everyone. But our purpose must be the same. Christ died so I can live, learn, juggle. As we do, we learn to be more like the master juggler of the whole universe. Our efforts to juggle are worth it." 

These two experiences have changed me forever. I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to receive personal revelation from God. The trick is REMEMBERing to seek it. 

But I am so grateful that He is always here, ready and willing to teach me, comfort me, and fill me with His peace.