A Witch Lives Here With Her Little Monsters

Saw that sign at Barnes and Noble and it just fit.

The truth is, as most everyone knows by now, I am pregnant!!!

We couldn't be more thrilled! What a blessing! It's such wonderful news to our little family.

James is elated, Jax can't even stand thinking about it without giggling and saying, "oooh, coot baby!" And Cbear just grins and points to Mommy's belly, "Bee-bee!"

And Christy, well I have wanted more babies for a long time! So, I cannot even handle the excitement. 

We feel very literally blessed--divine abundance.

I've wanted to blog for a while, but with me, I am a "promoter" and a very verbal girl. If I am experiencing something wonderful, you're going to hear about it! If I'm having a BURST, you're going to hear about it, and if I'm having a really cruddy day, you're going to hear about it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't quite so verbal with ALL things, but it's just me. 

Darn it.

So, the idea of blogging about something other than our latest news, or talking about something other than how BLASTED sick I've been, just wasn't going to happen. So until the news went public, my fingers stayed quiet. 

And the truth is, while I am BEYOND ELATED for this little tweetie bird to be safely nested in my baby box, I have been one sick girl. OH my goodness. I don't throw up, but it feels like I'm riding the "Gravitron" 

{You know that one carnival ride that looks like a spaceship, and it spins around and around and around and around??} all day.

Yikes. I literally feel like that ALL day and night. Wow. Pardon me, while I complain for a moment. I warned you, I am incapable of "glossing over" things or faking most things. So, dead seriously, I have felt like a witch! I have hormones flooding my body {that's where the witch part comes in}--not felt like myself at all lately, I feel like I just finished running a marathon when I first wake up in the morning, and also, I'm riding the Gravitron all--day--long! Being prego with my boys, I felt this same kind of sick, but I figured out a way around the constant sickies. Not with this one. Zofran? sick. I eat? I'm sick. I don't eat? I'm sick. Morning? Sick. Afternoon? Sick. Night? Sickest. Okay, you get the idea. Complaining complete.

GRATEFUL GIRL

So, have I mentioned how excited I am to have a tweetie bird nestled safely in my body?! I AM! And I very humbly realize it could be MUCH much worse. So grateful, I AM. 

The whole point of today's post is the recognition of just how quickly one can go from being a girl who's pretty much high on life most days, 

to being a peuky, exhausted witch in less than three months. 

This is me now.

This is real.

Witches, in fact, do exist.

That's it.

I'm being a witch for Halloween.

In fact, why wait for Halloween? I'll start the whole witch thing like a month ago!
I think I might have the cackle down, been practicing my spell casting lately, and pretty sure my pregnant concoctions count as brew. 

And, at this season of my life, while I am SO in love with my sweet babies {always}

looking through the peuky, exhausted, witchy goggles I've been sporting, my sweet babies can sometimes appear as.....well......

 little monsters!

Cute little monsters!

Bless their hearts.

Couldn't have asked for better timing, right?

The countdown is on, in just 4 weeks, 

I'll be back!!!

xo

SO grateful

New Hairs For Us

We dipped Cbear's hair in Kool-Aid.

Jax looks like his Mama at this age, with his new blonde cut

We went with a "Bieber" look for me. 

James wanted a "flowier" look

Cbear in 85 years

What do ya think? Sexy and we know it.

Good laughs are therapy on a "valley day" like today.

Grateful girl.

xo

The Switchboard

Here is an excerpt from my journal entry on July 29th, 2012.

"It's now 5:30am. I woke up at 3:30 am with my neck and back killing me! And my contacts in, teeth not brushed-never good. I have had the hardest time getting back to sleep. My mind is just RACING. I feel so overwhelmed. So out of control. I feel like there are SO many good things that I want to do- and some "must dos" that I am missing out on. I'm really struggling with that. It's been a very busy season. I feel guilty for not making the summer a little more relaxed for Jax, but maybe that's just me being ridiculous again. I really just feel like I am always in a hurry! It's driving me crazy! I just need to get over filling my days with SO much. I just love so many things and people, and want so much for my family and my life. I really get to sit down, list my priorities, and actually practice scheduling peace into my life. Something has to go, not sure what, but there is just too much (mostly good) in my days, and on my mind. 

What is my #1 purpose?

What is absolutely, bottom line MOST important?

It's time for a start over, re-do.

I also get to look back over this beautiful summer and notice where I spent a lot of my time. Feel gratitude and validation for the truth. Just get that reassurance that, for the most part, I AM already choosing the BEST things, I just get to calm the inner chatterbox. 

Why are some of the most important things going undone?

How can I make some decisions, then be thrilled with my NOW?

I get to notice the growth that has come, there have been 

miracles--already.

But have I allowed yesterday's miracle to be today's normal?

Oh, please no.

I get to be in gratitude for the miracles I receive, and REMEMBER them.

{Interjection: I am such a list girl. I mean, really?!? Even at 3:30 in the morning, feeling totally stressed, it's time for lists? Crazy girl.}

What I want more of in my life:

*peaceful, study and writing time

*connection with Jax, Cbear, Jamous

*peaceful, in-the-moment playing, reading to my babies

*writing, reflecting, blogging-it truly is therapeutic

*temple time

*scripture, doctrine study

*cooking-relaxed cooking {if that's even possible}

*read and finish A book at a time. Don't start ten and finish none. Parenting/marriage/biographies

*communion with God in prayer

*Walks, runs

*mountains

*teaching my babies fun stuff

*pictures PRINTED out, put in frames around our home

*create peace with finding a babysitter, to facilitate dates happening more

*organizing pictures time

*piano

*work on a monthly value for family

What I want LESS of in my life:

*pressure

*HURRYING

*feeling inadequate

*questioning myself

*beating myself up

*comparing my faults to the "illusion of perfection" in others

*wasted time

*stress about cleaning

*desire to do it all: Gain a better understanding of doing one thing at a time

*worrying about future: enjoy the joys of now while they're here

What I'm doing right:

{This seems a little awkward, but here goes. Straight out of my journal. I'm stretching, right?}

*Teaching my babies to love

*keeping up on their books of cuteness

*striving to cultivate a love for their Savior

*having FHE

*reading Book of Mormon stories to them

*taking lots of pictures

*teaching them to love each other

*working on Jaxon's articles of faith with him

*completely organized the basement, phew

*love doing hair part-time, creating some extra money for our fam

{This feels really really weird. Awkward! But I felt totally inspired to list this. To see some reality amidst the "illusions" in my mind.}

*I know my heart is in the right place

*having so freaking much fun with my babies, laughing our brains out

*Commitment to 100% full tithing!

*started my blog-finally!

*striving to praise Jamous, let little things go, striving to be unconditional for him

*striving to focus on the joy in my life, being satisfied with my now

*striving to be positive with Jax most of the time

*striving to be a supportive sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, etc."

These lists are in no way "complete" or in any particular order. At 3:30 in the morning, my mind exploded onto the pages of my journal, and this is what came out. 

I can see how the aching neck, and back and inability to sleep were Divinely perfect. In the middle of the night was the only "peaceful" time where my heart was open and still. This was a wrestle before God for me, no doubt. 

Because after this "mental vomiting, cleanse" I had a very direct, and precise download of clarity.

One of the most undeniable answers to prayer I have ever received.

Here's the answer:

{Quoting from my journal again}

"I get to decide what I am okay with being

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

at.

{spectrum of "how I'm doing" in every aspect of life.}

In every role of life, and every desire I have, decide where I stand.

neutral/no movement------okay------good------better------best------excellent

Realize I CANNOT, in this life, be excellent at everything all the time.

Especially for an ADD, perfectionist girl. With a million wonderful thoughts, {visualized being done so flawlessly} flooding my brain incessantly. 

It's almost like creating a report card for myself, with all the different roles, desires I have.

And DECIDE where I can be okay, good, neutral and it's actually healthy to be that way in-

and where my priorities and my PURPOSE require me to be better, best and excellent!

And here's the key

AND BE AT PEACE WITH IT.

Some days, and weeks call for more from a certain area. 

Like a dial, or adjusters on a sound equalizer-switchboard.

That looks kinda like this-

or this

Moment to moment, my priorities/the correct balance will change. So, my roles will fluctuate-somewhat.

There are always constants, but some roles will move on and off the switchboard and the 

level of intensity of some will fluctuate, for each role and desire.

THAT is just the way this mortal life was designed. I can't possibly achieve perfect balance, in this life, that doesn't change. It will change constantly. 

And when one area, role isn't at full blast, 

IT'S OKAY!

I get to take a look at what IS at full blast, at the moment, and realize it's perfect.

Divinely perfect.

As long as I am staying in tune with the Spirit, and He is guiding where I set each switch for the moment, I can be at peace with how I am spending my moments. 

Ah!

Relief!

Bottom Line:

Once I've prayed, planned, and prepared, I can live completely in the moment, and know for certain, that I AM on God's errand, and He is happy with me. Which, in turn, means I feel 

peace

and 

enJOY each and every moment.

Recognizing that seasons change, and God sees the whole picture. 

Have faith, and BE still in this.

Love,

Deet Dee"

That was the end of my brilliant light bulb moment that came in the middle of the night. 

Taken right from my journal.

This "download" has completely changed my life. 

Since this revelation, I have had MUCH more of the 

"I want more of this in my life" list in my days,

and MUCH less 

guilt. 

Honestly, I feel I have been blessed to have that "5-letter-word" diminished to almost nothing, in my heart.

Where God is, guilt isn't. 

{The "mommy" guilt, I'm referring to.}

And as I am seeking to bring God into my heart, my life, my switchboard-the guilt is gone!

And leaves 

peace 

in its place.

xo

Chapter 2-Brad Wilcox: Juggling Before God

What's really interesting to me, is that at Education Week, just a couple weeks later, I had a Divine reinforcement of this exact concept. 

And, seriously?!

I have been reading books, listening to talks, writing in my journal, 

searching

for an answer to this "age-old" question, of how to create balance 

{and ultimately have peace amidst a chaotic, good stuff-filled life}

for YEARS!!!

I've tried SO many things to achieve this balance, but always felt the anxiety that I still wasn't measuring up.

Because "achieving balance" is not something that is set up, organized, created, 

or 

checked off.

So, I searched, and searched and desperately sought out the answer.

You just read about the very intimate, Heavenly Father to Christy Cook Jex answer that I received. 

The answer.

The one that works, over and over again. The answer from the one and only true source of truth.

That doesn't change, from beginning to end, it's the same.

Oh, how grateful I am for the answer I received!!! 

I feel 100 pounds lighter!

AND THEN

 at Education Week, listening to one of the most sockety men I have ever known,

Brad Wilcox,

I had a Divine reinforcement of this concept.

Oh, my heart! So grateful.

Spoken so eloquently, and from so much experience and Christ-centered service that seemed impossible to balance, 

Brad Wilcox beautifully portrayed his "download" on this same idea. Receiving this revelation, having the same concept completely gifted to me, by someone who I adore- in a way that melted my heart!?! God is good. How grateful I am for His very personal love and concern for this little crazy girl. Watch for similarities in his "download" and mine. It's clear that the source of the epiphanies was the same. 

He calls it "Learning to Juggle Our Many Responsibilities."

He told a story about a man who juggled for God. The book is called "The Clown of God."

It's a beautiful story. So perfectly portrays the essence of this concept.

Here are some of the ideas he shared that reinforced, so perfectly, my "switchboard" epiphany.

"There is a scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that talks about how we will not be tempted beyond what we can handle. But, sometimes, it is taken out of context. So the meaning sounds like, "we will not be given more than we can handle."

He quoted a man named Chris Belcher {who went blind from cancer} who said, "We ARE given more than we can handle-the Savior makes up the difference."

He also went on to say,

"Simplify! We already have. What do we cut out, vacations? Church? Exercise? Eating healthy? Okay. 

Prioritize! 1. Family 2. Church 3. Work-sounds really nice, but the realities are different. Is it even possible to balance?

Elder Holland said once, {paraphrased} 

"What must come first and foremost, is our personal relationship with God."

Then Bro. Wilcox said, 

"When I do this, the Holy Ghost always tells me what comes second, and third. And it changes day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. I'm avoiding the crisis by allowing God to manage my moments. It's the only way I can live this multi-faceted life, being pulled on every side- IN PEACE.

How does Christ know who to pass over, and who needs a miracle? The Spirit will give you a little tug here, or there, who needs a little more. These tugs make the "good tasks" I'm doing "better." 

Also, I can live with integrity, and peace amidst the multi-tasking, knowing that I am in alignment."

One thing he said that I LOVED, 

"Juggling doesn't allow me to be everything to everyone everywhere, but it allows me to be something, somewhere, to someone."

Bro Wilcox talked about a time when he felt overwhelmed with his many responsibilities. He asked his wife, "When is it just going to even out?"

She {a nurse} said, "When you're hooked up to a heart monitor, you don't want a straight line. The ups and downs mean you're alive! And that you're participating, not just existing."

Another thing he said, that I could paste on my mirror,

Remember, "I am juggling for God!

The ball size, number of balls are different for everyone. But our purpose must be the same. Christ died so I can live, learn, juggle. As we do, we learn to be more like the master juggler of the whole universe. Our efforts to juggle are worth it." 

These two experiences have changed me forever. I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to receive personal revelation from God. The trick is REMEMBERing to seek it. 

But I am so grateful that He is always here, ready and willing to teach me, comfort me, and fill me with His peace.

Why?

While in church yesterday, I heard something that hit me.

I know for a fact, I've heard it before, but I was prepared to hear it differently.

We were discussing why we live the gospel.

And this was a LIGHTBULB for me.

In parenting, in marriage, doing hair, daily habits, eating and exercise habits, saving money, spending money, running errands, feeling fulfillment in everyday craziness, knowing what to simplify-out of my life, capturing moments with my camera (and my phone more often), choosing to get up early and get the critters ready for 9am church, making choices to NOT do something, choosing not to hold a grudge, and move on, setting up my vteaching for the month, choosing to forgive, knowing when to move on, choosing to play with my babies instead of the "to-do" list, choosing not to get drunk when I've had "one of those days" as a Mommy, and I'm spent...

This concept applies to all of the above and so many more.

Pres. Uchtdorf, one of my most favorite apostles and mentors, said this in his talk, "The Why of the Priesthood."

Simply stated,

"The why inspires the soul."

In every aspect of life, if chaos, confusion, frustration, or indecisiveness comes, asking "why?" inspires the soul.

It brings purpose, clarity, peace, simpicity, resolve, strength, 

and joy in what I DO choose to do.

He also said, 

"The what informs, the why transforms."

I love this. 

The "why?" transforms me from an informed "what-to-do-list," psycho, over-scheduled, lunatic 

to a peaceful, eternal-perspective-REMEMBERing Christy of Christ.

{Did you know Remember is my favorite word?}

And that's the truth. Could it really be so simple? If I can only 

REMEMBER

then it is pretty simple.

Here's a link to the actual talk

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-why-of-priesthood-service?lang=eng&query=priesthood

I'm sure I can figure out a cool way to make the link inside the word "here," but for now, it's not perfect, but here it is. 

(Remember-this is my journey from perfection 

{not doing things unless they're perfect} 

to peace 

{realizing that doing something-imperfectly is much better than doing nothing-perfectly.)

I'm stretching!

While this talk is specifically addressed to priesthood holders, and priesthood responsibilities, I love how Sis. Joan Hall adapted it to women.

"The why of living the gospel."

I love it.

xo

A Journey of a Thousand Miles, Begins With a Single Step: A Single Step

This beautiful quote, "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step," is by Lao-tzu. Had to give the credit where it's deserved. 

Well, today was the first day of school. YEAH! And boo, at the same time. 

As much as I am convinced that I am SO ready for school to start, and ready for a change of pace, 

I still get a sting in my eyes and a lump in my throat once I watch that little brown eyed boy bound into the school for the first time.

Time goes SO fast. 

I remember, as a kid, thinking a month was SUCH a long time. And a year, was never-ending.

Well, those days are long over. 

My baby boy just turned 2!

And my other baby just started 2nd grade!

How did this happen?

I'm still in 2nd grade? How is it possible for a 2nd grader to have a 2nd grader?

It's a mystery.

It's an emphatic reminder that I MUST slow down, play more, snuggle more, talk more, LISTEN (about some one's future plans, that involve building a factory where droids do all his work, HE is in charge!

and he creates real light sabers, compasses, Santa's sleighs and much, much MORE-in one long, run-on sentence with no breath in between)

more.

I love my babies, 

like more than I can even express. 

I FREAKING LOVE MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They drive me absolutely inSANE at times. But then, the next moment, they melt my heart 

with something hilarious or sweet, and I'm smitten. All over again. 

OOOOOH how I love my babies.

I want more, lots more. 

Okay, so the last couple months, I officially began a journey from perfection to peace.

On a drive home from Zion's National Park, where we hiked Angel's Landing,

and the Narrows, I had an "aha!" moment.

We had such a blissful time on this trip. I mean heavenly.

For me, I LOVE to hike, run, walk, strengthen this healthy body I've been blessed with.

And, even more, I ADORE nature, God's creations, this beautiful earth.

Because it always involves feeling an abundance of God's love-and feeling the Spirit, the whole time.

I LOVE it. 

I also LOVE my babies 

(meaning: my actual babies, but also the people I love most in this world. My sweet Jamous, #1, my parents, family, siblings, and I have a few babies that are my framily-friends I choose for family.)

However, when all three are combined-

Well, that is my definition of HEAVEN.

Literal heaven.

So, we experienced this at Zion's, and it calmed my soul,

I could breath deeper, I felt at peace from the core of my being.

It was almost as if my "vibration" was deeper, slower, more at peace, and sensitive to 

eternal perspective.

So, then, as we were just driving into Utah County, where we live, I felt this very sudden surge of anxiety come over me.

I started panicking. My body felt tense, tight, achy.

My heart started pounding, my breathing began to race,

FEAR overcame my being.

What?

How is this possible?

After such an exquisite experience, how is this feeling so suddenly overtaking my soul?

It was a moment where I fell right into a "sweet spot." 

Remember me explaining this?

Well, I felt a shift. I wanted to get to the bottom of why this was coming on.

I love my life! I am so blessed!

So, why when I was re-entering my life, was there such a flood of anxiety threatening my very peace of mind?

The quality of my life. 

"I don't want to live this way, Hunny."

I said to my sweet Jamous.

I felt an intense desire, like never before, to get feedback, from my Jamous, the one who knows me best, watches my antics, why I was feeling this?

How am I creating this?

I asked him to give me some honest, un-filtered ideas as to why this was coming on.

He was hesitant, at first. It turns out I have had my days of 

"thinking I have it all figured out." 

Not very open to my sweetie's suggestions. Not willing to see things from a different paradigm.

So, after a second, and third re-assurance that I truly wanted his feedback, he finally gave me some.

"Hunny, you're too damn hard on yourself. You just expect WAY too much of yourself. You want to be 

perfect at everything. You want to be the perfect Mom, wife, sister, daughter, grand daughter, friend, ward sister, compassionate service leader, hairstylist, housekeeper, you expect to be perfect at your eating and exercise. You want to please everyone, and do everything all the time. You are running WAY faster than is wise, and you have strength. You beat yourself up all the time. It's bad."

He went on and on.

And while I've always known I was a perfectionist. I didn't, until that moment, realize the UGLY side of  it.

I kinda thought it just meant that I like to do things 100%-perfect. "How can that be bad?" I thought.

I just wanted to reach my full potential. And I realize I have been given MUCH, and have lots of passions,

and roles that I want to pursue. Like, eat up for dinner, dig into. 

But, at that moment, I was "downloaded" with the reality of the way I was choosing to engage, think,

expect of myself, BEAT UP ON MYSELF, etc.

And I was also "downloaded" with how hurtful this is to me. To Christy, my spirit. That I was missing so much of the peace and joy my life 

has to offer, because of my obsessive thoughts, my out of control desire to 

PLEASE FREAKING EVERYONE!!!

Oh my gosh! How sick I am of thinking I have to be perfect!! 

And put my peace, and joy on the sacrificial alter

 in the name of "pleasing people." 

Who, as it turns out, aren't the ones I can blame. It's MY expectations, my ridiculous ideas of achieving perfection in this life. Actually fantasizing about how amazing it would be to wake up one morning,

on top of it ALL! 

What the hell?!?!?

As if that's even possible??

Oooooh, how disgusted I am with the thought that I have been deceived.

It's one of my biggest and ugliest weaknesses.
Satan has had some success with me on this one. Or used to, at least.

He probably can't get me to commit some huge, heinous sin, on a daily basis.

 But he can absolutely get me to run this number, beat myself up, believe the lies, be prisoner to my 

obsessive, perfection thoughts. 

Because this one looks beautiful. It seems 

SEEMS beautiful. 

Lots of goals, wanting to be good, serve others, improve.

And when I buy into this bull shiz, here's what it looks like to my family, my babies, and all those around me.

I am RUSHING, hurrying, all the time. My house is either perfect or a wreck, my heart is heavy. I'm not really ever anywhere. Because I'm always multi-tasking to attempt to attain the un-attainable, "being on top of it ALL!" I'm uptight, easily irritated. Less patient, less joyful. More worry, anxious, doubtful, fearful.

I pick at my Jamous. I am so much more aware of all of his weaknesses, because my job is to perfect him too, right? I read anything BUT the word of God. I'm searching for a secular answer to alleviate this feeling. 

I'm stuck in the all or nothing/black or white mentality. So, I'm either SUPER fit, or SUPER itchy (eating emotionally, not working out unless it's perfect, not eating healthy unless it's perfect.)

Staying up way too late, cleaning, stressing, worrying, playing back the day, giving myself a beating for everything I "think" wasn't perfect.

Just for a moment, looking over this horrible space, I create for myself, 

isn't this precisely where Satan wants me?

I don't reach out when I'm in this space, I don't feel worthy to pray, 

so I don't. 

I don't share the love I have with those around me, I'm too consumed with my imperfect state. 

This one has been  a life-long struggle for me.

It's been a roller-coaster, and definitely hasn't defined my life. 

There are times and seasons where I feel it almost overtake me, 

then other seasons where I feel it conquered. 

But, at that moment, in the car, I was acutely aware of the contrast.

I experienced such joy, happiness, contentment, peace of mind, my heart was soaring.

And then, 

BAM!

I felt "the cave" come on so strong.

It was a tender mercy. A sweet spot.

I was gifted with this experience, so I could SEE and FEEL and KNOW

the stark contrast of these two "spaces" and CHOOSE which one I wanted to adopt permanently-

As my way of BEing, my way of life.

To pass on to my beautiful children. 

I have a CHOICE.

So, thus began 

 My Journey From Perfection to Peace.

And from that moment, June 10th, 2012, I was on a mission.

To study, learn, come to KNOW the beast I was facing, (perfectionism)

so I could BEAT IT!

Which, now I know, is a blessing. Struggling with this beast is hard. It requires an awareness of my thoughts, 

my expectations, humility, total and complete TRUST in my Savior, and a commitment to change. 

And this is hard, for a girl like me, to do. 

But, I can literally see how I was given this, and other "beasts" as a catalyst to get me 

closer to Christ and my Heavenly Father. 

Who I love beyond anything I could ever express with words.
This beasts compels me to 

rely

on His Divine, enabling power, His atonement, His mercy, His love. 

Because, I've tried wrestling this beast without their power, 

and it doesn't work.

Sweet Spot.

As I infiltrate this struggle with the 

power, mercy, and love

of the atonement, I can do it! We can do it!

I would be a liar if I didn't testify, that I have literally felt the REALITY of the 

enabling power

 of the atonement.

I have attained "that feeling" of "being on top of it all."

Because I know that where I fall short, my beautiful Savior takes what I've done, and 

super charges all my efforts. And then, He, so lovingly, turns to me, and fills me with His peace.

Oh, how I love His peace. It's my addiction. {tears}

I KNOW this is true. 

And my heart is changed. Converted. From a struggling, imperfect girl-

to a Divine, spirit daughter of God 

on a mortal journey to learn.

All is Well.

xo

Precious Baby

Have you ever been in a situation where there is a teacher, instructor, book, seminar, or anything, where you are asked to make a list of your strengths? I have. So many times. It's always a bitter sweet experience. Honestly, at first, I feel very uncomfortable. Who likes to sit and do that? I usually feel "at a loss" to begin with. And then, I innately know the very strongest attribute of Christy Cook Jex. And I feel okay admitting this, and sharing it, because it centers on other people. It's my capacity for love. I know, that a very major part of my mission on this earth, is to love people. Not just feel the love, but to verbally express it. Also, as part of a very personal, and sacred blessing I've received, it mentions that I have an "eye for beauty. Not only in the physical dimension, but the spiritual too." And I recognize that. I do feel like I'm able to truly "see" people. I truly do BURST for people, like a lot. I feel intense surges of pure, Christ-like, explosive love for people! It usually ends in either a bite on their arm, a big squeeze, a clenched, shaking jaw, an explosion of  "oooooooooooh," a little smack on the butt, or James takes a beating. Cause he's usually standing closest to me, and someone has to take it, right?! Or, he'll be the "scapegoat" if the person isn't near me, isn't big enough, (babies) or strong enough to take such a blow. 

And, on top of this, I've felt also, that I MUST share with them how I "see" them. Because, I know for a fact, people don't hear the compliments we think of them nearly as much as would serve them. So, if I walking by someone who has a pretty smile, they're gonna hear it. "Stranger" or not. Or if someone looks extra beautiful, they're gonna hear it. If they have a beautiful set of ........feet, they're gonna get squeezed. ;) If they have a fuzzy set of ear-lobes, they're gonna get bitten. (My poor brother-in-law.) Or, if I recognize a spiritual attribute that I admire, it won't do un-said. I realize that being so verbal like this, with people, could cause my words to seem "watered down," but I don't care. They're still going to hear it, and I mean every word I say.

Today I had one of the most profound experiences of my entire 30 years on the earth. 

I cannot let this day pass, and the intensity of this experience fade even for one day without recording the moment of today. 

I was sitting in Merilee Boyack's class, again. Next to my beautiful baby sister, Niki. Sis. Boyack was explaining how much God loves us. She showed a picture of one of her adorable, newborn grandsons. She asked a few questions regarding this concept. First of all, "Does this sweet baby have to do ANYthing to earn your love?" Of course not. But, then, I started drifting...Immediately, the words our of my mouth were, "OOOH shweetie." Only, I had to temper the usual volume, being that we were in an auditorium full of people, in a reverent setting. So, a very muted version was all I could indulge in. If you know, me, this is typical. As soon as there is a baby around, the crazy voices come out, there's lots of gritting of my teeth, shaking jaw, baby peach fuzz-sniffing, and maybe a mouth kiss, and sniff or two or seventy six. My own babies? Well, that's another story. Let's just say, we kinda make out. I cannot freaking handle how much I love babies. ESPECIALLY my precious babies. So, I was drifting into "the zone." The baby zone. Where my compulsions come blasting out, and I feel this overwhelmingly intense amount of sheer bursting love! I first experienced it with my angel, Jaxon. And then with the same intensity (I couldn't imagine this being possible) with our second angel baby, Christian. Once I first felt this overwhelmingly delicious love come spilling out of my heart and fill my entire soul, 

I KNEW, 

I knew, 

with absolute, undeniable clarity, and precision, and great humility that my calling in this life, on this earth, and for eternity, was to be their Mommy. It was the most instantaneous shift, and "download" from Heaven, I have ever experienced. And this runs deep into the very fiber of what makes me breath. And what beats my heart. And it is who I AM. 

All of that was important to depict, so today's moment hits home. 

So, there I sat. Just completely enveloped in "the zone." I could almost smell the baby's breath, and feel the furry hair as I sniffed it. And feel the soft skin, feel the weight of that sweet baby, fitting so perfectly in my arms. I almost wasn't hearing anything else Sis. Boyack was describing. And then this--it makes my chest shake to even type this right now. She said this. "Heavenly Father loves you like you love your babies. Because 

YOU are 

HIS 

precious 

baby.

In that moment, it was as if the tables were instantaneously turned. "The zone" that I had drifted to-filled with 

the bursting love I felt that can't be contained. The feeling that literally has NO words that capture its essence--it's not OF this world, or dimension. 

The feeling of complete unconditional love, unearned, but given fully.

The feeling of total peace, purpose, Divinity. 

I'm struggling right now to attempt describing this with words-

but it's all-consuming, Divine, transcendent, beautiful.

The tables turned.

All of a sudden, I, Christy, was the precious baby being adored.

Being held gently, kissed softly...adored.

It was like Heavenly Father wasn't holding back, nothing was left un-said. He "downloaded"

me with all He was pleased with, in me.

He gave powerful, Divine compliments to my heart. 

That filled me up to overflowing.

{I had to leave, or the snort-cry would have come.}

I literally felt even more intensity of love

from my Heavenly Father 

for me, 

than I feel in my daily life for my babies 

and others.

Read that again.

More?

Is that even possible??!?!

In that moment, I realized a small part of why I get to be a Mommy in this life, 

is to experience on a tiny scale, how God loves His children, me.

So that in turn, I can not only love with a Christ-like love, but 

receive, and believe the love He has for me.

It's all part of the intricate plan He has for me.

Part of His Divine design.

It was a burst. 

From Heavenly Father to me.

He taught me how to love like this. I am created from Him. 

As intense as I feel love, He has given me a mere spark of His capacity to love. 

Just a spark.

The expanse of His capacity to love, all at once, hit me. It surprised me. It humbled me, it was all-encompassing, overwhelming, and like 

nothing

nothing

 I'd ever felt before. 

{This is written in past-tense, but it changed my heart forever. And I feel it right now, still}

It was pure, powerful, the love of God. In all its majesty. 

The unconditional, perfect, infinite love that God has for little, crazy Christy.

In that moment, a flood of miracle after miracle flashed before my mind. As if Heavenly Father was 

reminding me, while my heart was open, of all the countless times He had shown me this love, 

but I somehow missed it. I missed this. I didn't receive all that He had to give me. Until now.

He shows me.

Everyday. 

He's performed literal miracles in my life.

I've witnessed miracles.

I've seen them.

He knows me.

{tears flowing, even now}

He loves me. 

He adores me. 

and

 I am His precious baby.

Cannot WAIT.

I am absolutely BURSTING with sockety concepts from Education Week. 

I CANNOT WAIT TO WRITE THEM!!! 

You just freakin wait.

I Can't Lie

I was thinking {probably better said, over-thinking, I do this a lot} today...

"I wonder if people think I'm just full of it?"

Like I run around blowing sunshine, pretending things are so perfect.

I ADORE my kids, my husband, my family, my neighborhood, my Savior, and the list goes on and on. 

BUT

Does the fact that I adore all these people mean that they are all perfect? And that there's nothing I could complain about? And no room for improvement from me, and lots of these people? 

Absolutely not. 

I had a moment today.

One of the instructors at Education Week, Merilee Boyack, who I adore,

read a poem called "Girl in a Whirl," by, Vicki Gunther.

It basically goes on and on about that "perfect" woman who we all compare ourselves to and abhor.

The one who seems to be on top of everything, finds time to do it all, never down, a resident "pro" at 

everything that our culture can adopt as "must-dos." That are not at all, in fact, must dos. I'll post it, sometime, but look it up. It's fabulous.

Anyway, that's when this thought came. 

 I'll be the first to admit, I am a very vocal and passionate girl. Sometimes, I'm not sure that's a great combination... 

But if I'm thinking it, feeling it, bursting over it, or really bugged about it, you'll hear about it. 

That goes for amazing days, and amazingly shizzy days, too.

So, welcome to an "UP" season in my life. It's real, I'm so grateful, 

and I would NEVER want to portray that my life is perfect, and that it's all easy, all the time,

figured out, and breezy for me. 

As a matter of fact, I have had a couple of experiences and seasons in my life

that were absolute HELL on earth. Totally, completely about did me in.

One of those seasons, I thought I did NOT have the capacity to make it through, literally.

My faith was tested, 

I mean

TESTED.

From this season, I have watched Heavenly Father use me as a tool, to be very open 

with people I love, and share my story, to assist Him in giving his precious children hope.

That even though we ALL have these horrific times, and difficult trials in our lives, 

we can do hard things.

And He is always, just always listening to our prayers 

and ready wrap us in His Divine love, and peace.

Life is a roller-coaster. Sometimes we're UP and sometimes we're down. 

And that's just the way it is. 

So, having said that, the truth is, I feel very blessed and happier than I've ever felt! I truly am becoming so much more aware of how richly blessed I am. It's interesting, because I don't "have" anymore than I've had in the past. But, I feel Christ more intricately involved in my life than ever before. And Christ IS light.

So, naturally, as I invite Him into my life more, there is more light in my life. 

So, even though there may not be any more there than before, the added light in my life, shines on things I never noticed before!

It's like comparing two identical rooms filled with the exact same stuff.

One room is pitch black, 

and the other fully lit.

Does the fact that we can't see what's in the dark room, mean it isn't as full as the other room?

Of course not.

I feel like Heavenly Father has his hand on the dimmer switch, and is gradually brightening the lights

in my life, through our Savior.

And I'm seeing the REALITY of how blessed I am.

Little corners filled with tender mercies, that were hidden in the shadows are now

glistening!

And that's the truth. 

Of course, there are always things I could complain about, of course.

But the truth is, I have SO much to be grateful for, 

so why would I sling poo?

When, instead, I am acutely aware and bursting for how blessed I am!!!

So, I could rant about something unimportant, 

or complain about my pinky toe nail. {I actually did hurt it lately, ;)}

But I KNOW the truth, and I am blessed, grateful, and my friends,

I cannot lie.

xo

A Case of Swass and a Sweaty Epiphany

Today was the first day of Campus Education Week! 

Oh happy day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I decided, today, while driving home-

super sweaty in my gray shirt {not the best combination} from walking 45 minutes to my car-in the blistering heat, literally checked if the butt warmer was "on" on my car seat, because, you know...a little case of swassy and swoobsy??? 

Anyway, I decided, that I am officially a dork. And I'm okay with it. Getting giddy about going to sit and listen to people teach, for ten hours a day, for the next 4 days-

Nerd alert!

 But, I'm absolutely at peace with my nerdiness...

It's me, I'm a dork, a nerd, and I'm Christy. Hello! How are ya?!?

I was thinking back to my younger years, when I was between worlds. Not wanting to "miss out" on the "good life-" Didn't want to be a full fledged "goody goody" because I would be somehow missing some of the fun. But definitely always loved my Heavenly Father much more than my silly mind games, so I always strived {keyword strived} to stay close to what I knew was right. 

{Random, but I feel like Chris Farley-with all these " " marks...So, I'm not, "the norm," I'm not "camera friendly" I "frighten children."}

But today, while jamming out to some Wobble, Wobble, and Bieber- I realized, finally, that 

it is the good life to live close to the Spirit. 

I realized that it's okay to be crazy, jam out, dance my brains out, teach my babies to do so, laugh 

till I pee, ETC {and there's many more things we could put in here} 

AND be in tune with the Spirit. It is NOT the "good life" for me, personally, to

turn my back on God, and my precious Gospel, or even put "the world's" ideas of fun in place of 

being worthy to feel the Spirit. 

Or sacrificing, for any reason, the opportunity to truly experience JOY, 

real joy.

That joy always, always includes the Spirit.

Turns out, the stuff they've been telling me in Primary, Mia Maids {I'm old}

Sunday School, Young Women's, Seminary, Relief Society, Conference, 

Education Week, Women's Conference,

 seemingly self-righteous comments from that "one know-it-all" annoying lady in sunday school,

From my precious Mommy and my sockety Daddy,

all the many mentors I've had,

and all the amazing prophets past and present

&

last but not least, my beautiful Savior

is true.

And real.

I know it.

I feel it.

So-that means I can go to Education Week, and feel the Spirit in rich abundance, 

then ride home, windows down, sun-roof open, 

blasting, and jamming the Wobble-

and it's all good. 

All is Well.

A Tender Day

Today was a beautifully, normal day.

I felt especially tender, today. I cried, and sniffed the tears back most of the day. 

But, they were Happy. Humble. Grateful. "Not having room enough to receive it" tears.

I went to a Humanitarian Service meeting at the Stake Center this morning.

The Spirit touched my heart, and it changed me.

They explained one of the projects they were doing, that involved giving dresses to children in Kenya.

At one point, they showed a video of some highlights of this project. One of the highlights was a group of Africans standing up, clapping, dancing, and singing a song.

{They kinda looked like this}

Here it is:

"I am happy today, so happy.

In Jesus name I am happy.

Because he has taken away, my sins away. I am happy so happy today.

Hallelujah!

{tapping watch}

The time to be happy is now, is NOW.

{point down}

And the place to be happy is here, is HERE.

{holds hands with neighbors & swings}

And the way to be happy is to make someone happy and to have a little heaven down here.

Hallelujah!

The time to be happy is now, is NOW.

The place to be happy is here, is HERE.

And the way to be happy is to make someone happy and to have a little heaven down here.

{jump!}

Are you kidding me? These people have so much to complain about, SO much. And yet here they are, sincerely singing from the bottom of their hearts, with grins on their faces, this song of praise to their Savior, of gratitude, and being outward focused, and living in the moment with joy!!?!?!?!? 

Humbled. Grateful. Compassion, and then, the tears.

I am getting my hands on a copy of that video.

Then, after I came home, I had the opportunity to explain the experience to Jaxon, 

and show him some videos of Humanitarian work of the church. And some photos. 

My tender-hearted little guy was glued to every word, and every image. 

After I tucked him into bed tonight, he heard me in the hall, and from his bed he asked, "Mom? Why do those kids with their bones showing not have any food? Oh, I just hate it. Poor guys."

{Pardon the horribly sad photo, it must be remembered with today's experiences}

A moment I shall not forget.


Another powerful, yet totally random

Bathtub epiphany:

Lately, we have re-committed to pay a 100% full, honest tithing. To be quite honest, this is a commandment I haven't been extremely diligent at. For the first few years of our marriage, finances were a source of chaos- enough said. But, we have been blessed, the last couple years, and I have felt strongly, it IS time to commit to this. So we have committed. Sounds easy enough. BUT it has been hard! Getting into this habit takes a LOT of self discipline, planning, etc. BUT James and I have both felt we desperately want to experience the blessings promised to full tithe payers. So, naturally, the last couple of days, I have felt those doubts creeping in, as they always do. Daunting thoughts of other things that "need" to be purchased, instead of being integrity on our commitment and covenant. So, what I have decided to do, is immerse myself in conference talks, the scriptures, beautiful music, Mormon messages, anything to invite the Spirit into my home, and heart to solidify the commitment and obliterate the fear, and doubt--whenever I feel the darkness creeping in. 

It turns out, it WORKS!

Sure enough, when I pray for inspiration, then prepare my heart 

{aka shut up the incessant mental, chatter box}

Heavenly Father answers with precision. 

And here is my answer: 

{the best I can do with words, one of those "hard-to-capture-with-words" things}

As a mortal, I have many distractions, good and bad, that can keep my mind humming and 

my heart "in" the world. 

Heavenly Father wants, deeply, for me to come to Him.

And He also wants, desperately, to bless me.

BUT, He CANNOT bless me, or be with me

unless

I come TO Him, and 

qualify

 for the blessings. So, there is this place.

I call it {for now} 

The sweet spot.

This place, at first, may not seem sweet. In fact, for a mortal girl, it can be very uncomfortable, and can turn

dark, and lonely and hideous. 

This space is where the doubt creeps in, when the fear rears its ugly head, and the devil, himself,

runs his number. This number is very specific, and, I believe, each of us has a "number" the devil knows 

he can use to GET us.

Just a couple of examples of Christy's number...

Self-beating, guilt, comparing, imaginary stories, excuses, rationalizing, judgment,

HURRYING, picking apart my body, focusing on my "imperfections," feeling inadequate,

obsessing over my weaknesses, overscheduling, obsessing about my house, maintaining an inward focus, worry, WORRY, worry, 

fault-finding in my favorite sweeties, PERFECTIONist thinking, all or nothing-ness, anal-izing,

to name a few.

This space is ugly.

No fun, it's dark, depressing, and my light is dimmed, 

arrows go inward,

And he GOT me.

So, why do I call it the sweet spot?

Today, I got that answer.

A paradigm shift. 

It's this moment, the one where I feel all, or one of these uglies creeping in, that I have a CHOICE.

Once I recognize the pattern, I can CHOOSE to immerse myself in light, until it permeates the ugly, 

OR

I can choose to submit, give up, and allow the ugly to drag me into the cave. Where no growth occurs, and 

the Divine connection is severed, and commitments broken.

{One of my favorite Greg Olsen paintings}

In this moment, there CAN be a real, literal recognition of my "weakness." {Ether 12:27,28}

My mortal state, my total and complete dependence upon my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

There can be a sweet remembrance of my Divine nature, and of my 

literal Father in heaven
who can lift me- out of the cave.

Who KNOWS me, and who has ALL strength, ALL power, and IS the very definition of peace.

& that, is sweet.

And that is also why I am given trials of my faith {today, tithing} 

{insert whatever else is challenging, here} 

It is BECAUSE I get to remember that I am a mortal. 

I do not have knowledge, strength, power, and peace 

without-Divinity.

As soon as I recognize this, and turn to my Father in Heaven, 

and access the infinite, and unconditional power of the atonement,

through my Savior, Jesus Christ--

the sweetness melts my fear, reminds me of what I know- to be true, strengthens me, gives me

the power to put my faith in action, and fills my complete being with 

peace.

Divine peace.

The kind that He created, designed from the beginning, and gifts to His children. 

It comes only,

only

from God.

Sweet, so sweet. 

No words can explain, 

and I am so grateful.

xo